The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been seeing a lot of posts about changing the A.How can I make him or her change?How can I help him or her see?I lived like that for so long,I believed it.After becoming miserable with my life I started this program and I have learned that it is always about changing me.The first question I asked myself was,"what gives me the authority over another person?"and, "How can I expect a sick person to make me happy?",Those are some things my therapist had me think about.I didn't like it but it was the truth.This has been the most important thing I have ever learned. I am getting there,I have bad days sometimes but I don't have bad months.
I'll be interested to hear what others have to say but immediately when I read "changing the A," my reaction was "you don't!" I don't think it's our job to change the A and I don't think it's anything we can do anyway. They have to decide to change themselves. What I read in _How Al-Anon Works_ and what I gathered from the F2F meetings I'd attended seemed to teach "detachment with love," for example, so you can live your own life independently of what the A is doing and still be happy (or at least not internally negative and thereby causing yourself damage). In essence, that means we don't change them. For me there was a long debate whether I was going to stay married to her and continue subjecting myself to that or whether I could learn to tolerate and still be happy regardless of her behavior. Never did I aim to change though... she always said she wanted to change. In the end, I don't think she did.
Hi Mary~I know exactly what you are talking about! I tried for years to get my A to change. She has multiple addictions and she has abused herself in lots of ways. Until alanon I was miserable. Now I have two years in and I'm in a much better place. This past week she had two echo cardiograms because her health is getting bad. Thanks to alanon I am not saying, I told you so. I'm truly concerned for her but not surprised in the least. I will be supportive but of course this was going to happen. Her ship may be on rocky waters but I am in my life boat, Lyne
In my chaos/crazy days, I tried to change everything - them, schedules, how I did what I did, when, etc. No matter what effort I put into place, they all continued on their journey(s).
Only through working this program, the steps and the lovely folks who walked before me have I learned that I have to change me - my actions, reactions, emotions, etc.
I can love my As, show compassion and empathy and set healthy boundaries which allow me to detach with love.
I love all 3 of them, just hate this disease.
My AH has had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents & triple bypass surgery, yet he still eats like before, drinks some and does 'other' that I am not aware of. I do not monitor him, I do not remind him, I do not watch him. He's able to choose for himself how he lives and possibly how he dies. That does not negate for me that he is the father of my A boys, and someone I love.
I can't change him or them or anything/one else, but I can learn to love me enough to co-exist with them and let them be.
(((hugs))) Mary & all - it's not easy working this program but so worth it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When I first started to attend f2f meetings and we'd take a moment at the beginning of the meeting to think about why we had come, I used to close my eyes and think about the alcoholics in my life and say a little prayer for them. I've stopped doing that. Now I think about me. I'm there at the meeting and in the program for me. It's me that needs the help and is seeking help. i'm not trying to change them, I'm trying to change me.
I love that part of my program.
I now know that I have a right...nay a responsibility to leave people to their own path, no matter how it looks to me.
What I get in return is tenfold.
Not only do I get to experience the joy of letting go and saying "not my circus", I also get to enjoy people for who they are and not what I can fix about them.
You know the funny thing? After 2 years in al-anon, as far as I can tell, every single person in my life who seemed to me to be an alcoholic 2 years ago (my ABF, my mother, my brother, my other brother, my sister etc etc) still seem to me to be alcoholics! Yet life is heaps better for ME and they all seem to be much nicer too!
Magic.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
