The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ive been slipping lately with my program. Other things have distracted me, some of which ive shared here. Ive kind of lost touch with what im all about. Im redefining myself or other aspects of myself and ive stopped being honest and taking that honest look at my shortcomings and assets. Ive had the rebellious mindset that i had lost for a while. Im like i will do what i want when i want it and what the hells wrong with that?
Well, it was that whole bad attitdue that kept me imprisoned and miserable in my own mind for years. Ive lived in Gods will and its the place to be. Ive worked out that there is something bigger than me and i dont have all the answers. I have a name for my distorted thinking, well lots of names and ive accepted some of my shortcomings, some have gone, some linger most likely always will.
Ive stopped looking within. Thats the whole problem. Im looking outside at what others are doing and what they might be able to do for me, looking for that outside relief for the inside job. Im the buddhists empty ghost with the tiny mouth again.
At my meeting tonight someone read out the alanon promises and it got me thinking about these. This program offers so much, everything to me really, ive had it, ive lived it felt it and i want it back. Ive got to do the work though. Its not free this programs gifts and the gifts are the best gift you can ever have. Peace of mind and serenity, wow, you cant get any better than that. Its the most valuable thing ive ever owned in my life but its not free. Ive got to do the work. Meetings, readings, meditation, just for today card, prayers, sponsor, lifting the phone, reaching out here. Practicing the principles, trusting my higher power and getting that conscious contact and then its mine again.
Self-awareness is such a gift. I applaud you for sharing with us that you're recommitting to your recovery!
I have to remind myself often (more than daily) that I am worthy and I need to look within for my happiness. For me, it's a by-product of low self esteem for so many years, and low self worth for equal time. I do believe that my HP wants me happy, healthy and whole - and that we are all put her to enjoy and add value.
When I find myself in a 'funk', I truly have to step back and remember it's about my attitude, my actions and my spirituality....When I can keep those 3 'at the top', my heart and mind align with joy.
Thanks el-cee for sharing your honesty!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Elcee, just because you are changing doesn't mean you are being totally rebellious. I'm not sure how much you really have slipped off your program and meetings, but I know there are some changes you are making to try and be more fulfilled and they are scary and difficult and confusing. Hiding out in the program and avoiding making necessary changes is not good either. Balance....at a few years into this, it's largely about balance. So back to alanon and maybe get some more clarity so you don't feel so off kilter, but knowing a bit more of the story, I think you are still going to want to continue evaluating your life and what you want from relationships.
Thanks everyone, hey pinkchip, dont worry pal, ive got a date soon. Im still on that quest but im bringing my program with me a bit more, staying true to myself.x
