The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's amazing how quickly one can lose their serenity ... and in this case it has nothing to do with my A.
My Mom is suffering from her own progressive disease, which I didn't cause, I can't cure, and I can't control. But, the Al-Anonic in me certainly wants to try and control or take responsibility for how she feels as it progresses. She has COPD, which for those who have been lucky enough to avoid learning about it, is a progressive disease that impacts the Lungs.
She has been admitted to a hospital twice now in the last 2 weeks. In both cases, she suffered falls prior to being admitted, and while she wasn't injured in the falls, it speaks to the likelyhood that she is not safe at home, and we as a family are scrambling to try and get the services and coverage to fund them in place before she is discharged. Because I am the only one in my family that lives near her, understands her medical condition and needs, knows the community etc I am driving the bus, so to speak, to get the services in place. I have spent countless hours talking to Doctors, Social Workers, County Bureaurocrats, other family members, trying to control her care now, and in the future.
She is now in a Rehab hospital, and after one really good day on Monday, she is struggling again. I called her today and she sounded awful! . Then she launched into a laundry list of all things pissing her off getting woken up crappy food too many pills to take breathing treatments not getting her this or that on and on. It reminds me so much of when my AW was active ... and then would have one of those moments where she was sober ... upbeat ... committed to getting help ... and then 24 hours later passed out face down on the kitchen counter. So demoralizing.
In a conversation I had last night with her doctor, she indicated her anxiety issues are her enemy. They (doctors) look for triggers for her COPD flare-ups and in her opinion (and I agree) her uncontrolled anxiety appears to be the source of the last couple admissions. She gets anxious about everything. She can be sitting calmly and the discussion of her having an appointment a week from then can cause her to start breathing as if she ran a marathon as she contemplates having to do all that she will need to in order to get ready for and then go to appointment. This kind of Anxiety, triggers the COPD the COPD stresses the heart it can trigger a Heart arrhythmia that taxes the lungs which makes her more anxious as the breathing gets harder and around and around we go.
My Mom herself is feeling guilty about getting anxious. Last night she started to get teary eyed as she apologized to me that she was not growing old more gracefully. It was heart breaking. I feel soooo helpless (because I am) I feel so scared for her, and for myself and family. I'm gripped with fear. I know from Al-Anon that all I can do is my best to get her the care she needs, be empathetic and compassionate, and make sure she knows I love her and turn the rest over to my HP. But I can't do it ... or at least not for very long. It just feels so woefully inadequate, and I feel like I need to do more to make her feel better ... to take away the things that make her anxious ... to get doctors to find the cure, or to make her more comfortable ... to get Social Workers to move faster to get services in place ... to make sure I don't let my family or her down.
Its so obvious she will never be able to return home safely. Given these last two hospitizations, her coming VERY close to needing CPR/DeFib in the ER during her last admission, the sobering prognosis from her Doctors, and my observations of her the last couple of days I am terrified we are either going to lose her soon or watch her suffer with anxiety, increased isolation, the misery of struggling to breathe, and her own fear of dying far longer than anyone should have to.
Why, despite everything I know, do I feel like its within my power to control any of it? I've learned to let those things go with my AW and her disease. Why can't I do it here?
Sounds like a very difficult and tumultuous situation. I got nothing for you except for cliches and stuff you probably already know: ODAT, keep coming back, and the serenity prayer. They all help... I'm working on practicing them myself.
Thanks for the share, Dave. Feel free to share more anytime!
So very sorry for what you are going through - it's tough watching someone we love go through pain and crisis.
I believe that you are doing an outstanding job and being a great son. I am sure she feels that way too even if she's not able to state that to you.
My best suggestion is 'breathe'.....just breathe. Take a small break from all and do something just for you. Spend some quiet time and reflect on all that is good in your life/world. Just for now, just for a moment - just for today.
That's the best I got - try to stay in the moment, and trust your HP to guide you through it all.
((((hugs)))) to you and prayers and positive energy to you, your mother and your family.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I went through something similar with my father, multiple hospitalizations, and COPD, so what you write of is painfully familiar.
I found that I just had to stay focused on doing the next right thing. I tried to be there for my Dad as much as I could, even though it was difficult to watch. I didn't want to look back on my behavior with regrets. It was challenging, but I tried to do what was best for him. I started viewing things differently. On Thanksgiving, I initially thought "poor me, here in the hospital trying to feed my Dad mushed food" and I had to change my attitude to, "I'm really lucky I can be here with him today, because it's probably his last Thanksgiving, and it's an honor to help him." Again, it's not easy. I guess my main point is you are not alone in feeling this way.
Dave, you are handling one of life's most challenging situations with honor and grace. I also found your words painfully familiar. Seven years ago, my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer, and she died four months later. I have had a lifetime of navigating many, many admits and stays in hospitals, rehabs and ancillary care facilities for family members experiencing acute and chronic health care issues. It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can and more for your mother. I am sorry that you are dealing with this on your own: that's really tough. Please know that you are definitely not alone. Hope you are able to get some rest tonight.
Your wife is truly capable of handling things on her own....so nonenabling is easier. Your mom....it does not seem that way. Detachment is harder. And while alcoholism is a disease, there is an element of self-sabotage there. With your mom, I don't really sense there is so much. Usually COPD is brought on by smoking, but you didn't say that, and even so, it doesn't sound like the current issues are because of that.
How I would deal with my ailing mother having all these problems would be much different than a self-sabotaging alcoholic that needs to suffer the consequences of their own behavior. Your mom needs to suffer less...period. So it's different.
Be gentle with yourself Dave. It's a different scenario. Yes, you still can't swoop in and fix it all, but you are allowed to have different feelings. My heart goes out to you...it's your mom. Plus you are used to being strong for everyone else and making all the decisions. Ideally, enlist support so you aren't alone in this. Not sure if you have siblings or not or other relatives to help....(even if it's just emotional support).
