The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I continue on my journey with my new tool bag thanks to Al-Anon, I am trying to spend less time thinking about the character defects in others and more time reflecting on the issues in my own heart and mind that need tending. So much of who I am at (gulp!!) almost 50 years old (gasp!!) is not serving me well and needs to be dealt with honestly. What in me serves me well and deserves to stay and what part is not working at all and has to go? These are the things I am pondering lately. The hard part is, the biggest, ugliest of all the traits is going to be my relationship with money. I have spent most of my life dealing in the accounting world although a bit player, not a mover or shaker. But my own relationship with money has been at best, strained, and at the worst times, disastrous. And the dishonesty that I feel I harbor almost all stems from my hiding of my debt and the fact that I spend more than I have. I don't have huge debt in comparison to some, but I have more than I feel comfortable with and WAY more than I want my husband to know about! He asks now and then, I tell him what I owe and then say "I am paying my payments" quickly after. He just shakes his head. He is not bothered by the same demons I am and he doesn't understand why I cannot keep the debt under control. Just don't charge it...that is his philosophy. Some of our most intense arguments in the last 20 years have stemmed from the subject of my credit card. The thought of this debt can keep me awake at night and contributes to so much anxiety in my life. I have borrowed and paid it off or down and then charged it right back up again. It always seems justified to me, a trip to see our new grandbaby, a weekend with the family, out with friends.
So, today I want to face this issue head on and try to get some relief from the stress and discomfort I feel when I think about owing money like this. I want a plan of action, and to make some real progress. I cut the card up, although I still have some reoccurring payments that are applied to it. I ordered a book about finances and women from Amazon and one from the library.
I think if I can gain freedom for myself in this area, anything else will be a cake walk.
Any and all prayers and positive energy are appreciated while I slay this dragon!!
Thanks!
Bethany
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Thank you so much for sharing, Bethany! I'm not saying you do but I always believed my XAW also had addiction issues with other things including money. To me it was very interesting to hear a first-person account of the situation you face. That seemed particularly candid.
Kudos to you for wanting to take this on and committing yourself to improvement. We support you 100%!
Feel free to share anytime.
Mark
-- Edited by Mark17 on Wednesday 17th of June 2015 02:25:00 PM
I am also sending positive thoughts and prayers your way....
I believe we all have demons when we come to the program and awareness and identification are key to changing what we can.
I too believe you will slay your dragon - one day at a time!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate. This has been on my own list of shortcomings too. For me it relates to maturity, something im only just getting in my forties. Taking responsibility for yourself is well worth it and it relates to our self worth. Good for you and thanks for sharing.x
