Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

mjferg · Senior Member

Another learning experience!

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Way to go for not taking this personally.

Sounds like to me this was about him and his unreasonable expectations, manipulative behavior and basically lying to you saying he only wanted to make amends. Although perhaps he did originally think he only had good intentions. We all lie to ourselves sometimes. I'm happy for you it didn't make your world spin...

mjferg · Senior Member

I was talking to a friend about this,I asked if they thought I was naive to think someone wouldn't want something in return for doing something like this.I believe it is possible for people to just do good things,but how many people really do that?

mjferg · Senior Member

I am also wondering what is stopping me from speaking up about how I feel at times?I have become aware of it several times at different occasions I have wanted to speak up about the way I feel about something and I don't .Does it just develop over time because I am kind of disappointed in myself for not saying something.I was thinking about the need to pick my battles, I guess to have more peace ,unless someone is in my life on a regular basis ,I don't feel the need to confront,maybe that is actually growth.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary -

Congratulations on not reacting and not letting old tapes keep you from trying to do the right thing...

I am going to play devil's advocate for just a moment - what if his attentions were real but what he 'gave' is all he has at the moment? What if in the moment, he found you desirable and attractive and just 'went for it'? After all, you are a lovely, bright woman that he used to love.

Did he do things wrong? Yep. Was he presumptuous? Yep. Should there have been a dialogue before he arrived on where he was staying? Yep.

In my family/world, none of those would have been discussion points from 'them'. I have for so long been the detail lady, so either I would have asked, or it would not have been settled ahead of time.

I know there are many times I don't speak up as I am just unsure I want to deal with the 'projected' discussion. I just posted about C2C today and it reminding us to stay in the now.....well - I tend to do that as best as possible, but uncomfortable communication and our inability to communicate well does keep me quiet at times as I project and assume the worst....it's a part of who we are I supposed and I know I still have baggage I try to leave but pick up at times.

I believe the exchange as you describe was growth for both of you...we are asked in our reading to look at how far we have come - I also have to remind myself how far my A(s) have come. We are all imperfect trying to move forward, or so I believe!

You handled yourself with grace and dignity. I see your program working well. Glad this has passed for you and the great thing about life? You can choose to keep him or NOT as a friend on Facebook - you have choices and clear thinking!!

(((Hugs))) - make it a great day!

mjferg · Senior Member

Yes, I thought about it that way also.I am trying not to jump to conclusions these days.I need to work on my trust issues as well.I talked to a male friend about it and he gave me a man's viewpoint."Of course that is what he was thinking",he said.I suppose it is about where I am at right now.I know I am not completely over my ex emotionally and it would be dishonest of me to try and have a relationship with a man right now.I would be lying to myself and him if I tried to ignore that.As far as sex goes I am extremely shut down on that one.I was with my ex for five years and I loved him as best I could.I also believe sex is different for women,it's more emotional.

Mark17 · Veteran Member

Hi Mary,

I totally echo what glad said. Yes I think it was unreasonable and manipulative.
Yes he may have had good intentions but he could have also been lying to
himself. I think A's do that often and even if he is in recovery, he may still
have the thinking of a dry drunk.

I don't know if it matters whether you're naive. In retrospect we're naive
if we get duped. If things worked out fine then we're never naive. I got
duped by my XAW who thrashed the trust I had in her with the divorce
settlement. I was certainly naive given the way things turned out but
I try not to "shoulda, woulda, coulda" about it since I can't change the
past. In the future, I will certainly handle things a different way.

I unfriended my XAW in a heartbeat. I need to not remember her with
bitterness and hostility but I also need her out of my life completely. I
don't know if that's contradictory or not.

Thank you for sharing!
Mark

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

A healthy person would have made it clear that his offer was contingent upon whatever it was contingent upon. Saying it was a way of making amends suggests that it is free and clear of obligation or pressure. It sounds as if his recovery has not come all the way. That's not unusual, but it's unfortunate. You sure had some healthy responses to all his oddness. I can understand being thrown off guard by his expectations, but then you gathered your wits and responded with clear boundaries. And now you know where he is as regards healthy thinking. Good going!

mjferg · Senior Member

Thanks to all who responded and I am glad that I am growing and picking up on things that are unhealthy!Mattie you hit the nail on the head,that is exactly what I was thinking.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene