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2 weeks ago my Ah had his first aggressive outburst. The ac and door were his victims. that was enough for me to ask him to leave. I have worked and am still working on this with my therapist. I have set up a meeting with a separate therapist for some couples therapy. I have explained to my AH that we need to start over. From the beginning. I need to take time. I have expressed my fears of the alcohol and that last experience with him. He is staying with his father. I'm not gonna lie there's a small part of me that says yea this will teach him. But it's so fleeting as I continue to learn how this is not my problem. I'm so aware of the 3 c's of this disease. I have gotten my texts of how can you do this. You have taken my life away. I can't work on us apart from you. you have put me in a bad place. I feel like I'm being punished. I need my things. I hope you figure things out. I'm in a place that's not good for me. This won't work forever with me. Why can't I sleep over. And so on. I have expressed to him that we need to work on us. That I want him to go to AA. He has responded with ill go but if I feel like I don't belong I'm not going anymore. that would have crushed me before. Now I go if that's what works for you. I'm doing what's best for me at this point. The hardest part is as I read through all the texts and fight setups through the manipulating words I see that it is truly just all about him. Yes there is the I luv u but... I'm sure we have all been there with that amazing but. His words though do make me question is it him trying to weasel his way back in or am I trying to control him. I don't feel I am. I feel happy again. Taking it one day at a time. Keeping myself in serenity. Letting my HP guide me to what's best for me. Letting go. Not going there in text messages. I luv him. I fear expressing to much luv though because I know what will folllow is then why are you doing this? Words and messages I am starting to ignore. if its not affecting my life that's what I need to stay focused on. I say to myself if he leaves he leaves. I have truly done nothing but love him. It's not my fault is he walks away and decides to not respect my boundaries. Only my HP has what's best for me in store. I'm not sure which is harder living with the alcohol or detaching and respecting myself and boundaries. I know I am done enabling and being codependent.
Detaching and having boundaries hurts for a bit, but then you feel better. "Living with it" with no changes in your boundaries is a life sentence. It is sadly to be expected that he will see everything through the lens of his alcoholism. The alcoholism will do everything to protect itself. He probably does love you as best an active alcoholic can love someone. Where he is probably is a "bad place" for him because he has to question his behavior, it's harder to drink like he wants, and he's not king of the castle...It's emasculating and threatening to his alcoholism in some ways. Trust me though, he will drink because you kicked him out and he will drink to celebrate if you let him come back. In sum, he will drink because he's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. They drink and the alcoholism finds reasons for them to drink. He will only get sober if that's what he wants. And even then, my experience was that I had to want to get sober more than anything in my whole life in order for it to really work. If he was really ready for recovery, he'd already be in the meetings. Just keep doing what's best for you for now. The difference between this and your last post is amazing. You do not sound "jailed" anymore. Naturally, you sound hurt and conflicted, but not jailed. Good work!
(((Hugs))) to you and so glad you posted! I too see some major growth in your post and applaud you for taking action. Keep working the program and taking care of you - I believe as you state that HP will lead you to what is the next best step to take.
Like Pinkchip above me, I'm also a double-winner. I agree 100% that until/unless he surrenders completely to the disease, he will most likely drink again. We always have to keep in mind that this disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. It lays in wait until one lets their guard down and then begins to affect the thinking mind of those with the disease.
His state of affairs right now are not your concern. Keep working on you for you and trust HP.
You aren't alone - we are all just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree with Pinkchip and Iamhere, you are making all the right moves with respect to setting your boundaries and expectations. Letting HP guide you through this process and he/she will definitely lead to the right decisions. Alcoholism is such a horrible disease and unless your AH is willing to admit that he needs help and gets the help, detaching is so very important.
Live And Let Live: The slogan, Live And Let Live has two parts. Let live reminds us to allow others the dignity of making their own decisions and experiencing the consequences of their decisions and choices.
By minding our own business, we are freed from feeling responsible for changing other. We also learn to live by taking care of our own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
{{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
So the aggressive texts have continued. This was the response I wrote: I want you around. I am taking this time because I care about us and luv us. I have expressed to u how I want to do this going forward. We are working on us. We will be starting therapy. It hasn't been more then a few days since I said I'm not ready to have you come home. When it comes to having u sleep over I haven't gotten to that point yet. I really want you to understand that pushing me to do something is not good for me. I see the frustration and I understand. I only hope that u know I truly luv u. That I am doing this for us. This is not a punishment and it was never intended to be. If you don't want to respect my boundaries then I don't know what to say at this point. I am showing you I'm serious about working this out. Taking time to get back to us. I just can't go at super speed. Independence is something I've always had and I don't understand why you keep saying that to me. I luv u. I do miss u. If you don't want to wait for me to figure things out that's you decision. I am also in the boat of 7 years just washed away. This has affected both of us. We are both adjusting to this situation. I want to invest whatever time it will take to make us stronger. ... now I am just waiting for the reply. One thing though I know... I really luv him and don't want him to go. But I can not and will not live my life by his command anymore.
I also wanted to say Ty for the love coming from you guys. The support and uplift that I'm going in the right direction makes my heart smile. My spirit and soul are finally lifting up. Truly amazing!
Boy, this is a hard situation with him manipulating for all he's worth. Clearly the line he's using is "If you really loved me you would let me come back" which really means "If you really loved me you would let me have my way," which also really means "If you really loved me you would pretend for me that there are no consequences to the alcoholic destruction I have wreaked upon you."
In Al-Anon we don't give advice unless there is a threat of physical harm. I am worried, though - as we know, alcoholism is progressive unless arrested by abstinence. So today the door and the airconditioner, tomorrow ... ? So I hope you will hold fast to your safety and boundaries until and unless he is working a formal program of recovery hard and for some time. Some people wait a year before reuniting to make sure their A's are steadfast in recovery, some two years. The good news is that there is no hurry. If he really means it about wanting to be together, he can get into AA and learn the tools to do it and stick with it. Otherwise no amount of good intentions and "I love yous" will prevent the alcohol from making the decisions when he is drunk. Take very good care of yourself!
Working on "us" is a difficult thing when one person is an active alcoholic. It seems to me more that you are best of working on you for now. Marital therapist with an active alcoholic usually is not productive. What do you hope for the marital therapy to achieve? Just curious.
That's a really good question you brought to my attention. I was thinking it would help us to each learn each other better. Learning how to better communicate. Understand what sets each of us off. I'll still continue with the therapy once it's started. Now that youve made me think though I myself am wondering if this will even be an honest session due to the fog he lives in. Everyday I realize that the approach to better understand us and him and how we operate as a whole is forever blurred by the alcohol wet brain he has grown into. Here's to hope. God will continue to guide me. Thanks for that nudge pinkchip. Very eye opening. I see I am still kinda in the mud of the regular approach might help this out. This really is in his hands when it comes to himself. hmmmm.....
