The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's C2C is one that resonated deeply within my mind and heart early on in my AlAnon journey; it is one of the key texts that allowed me to see the 'Why' and 'How' of Detachment with love.
AlAnon introduced me to the concept of allowing the A to face the consequences of their actions; the concept that the A had to reach a point on their own that sparked the desire to make a real change in their life.
AlAnon also introduced to me a crucial part of this process: I needed to get out of the way. I needed to stop interfering with the behaviors of the A, particularly in all areas dealing with alcohol; they were non of my business. It didn't mean I stopped loving the A, I did need to stop monitoring, expecting, condemning, berating, imploring, begging, demanding, and interfering regarding alcohol.
Respect for another is a necessity for a healthy relationship. When I interfere in someone's life, regardless of my intentions, I am not respecting their right as an individual to make decisions, including poor ones.
By interfering, I send the signal that I don't see them as capable enough to figure it out. I must now step in because they are not capable of learning, adjusting, and succeeding in the way that makes sense to me.
I recall times when I was given a new responsibility and micro managed, berated, or had a task taken away from me in exasperation, denying me the opportunity to learn to do it on my own. It was a very negative experience every time, at times leaving me reluctant to try it again lest it bring more unpleasant results. Yet, that is exactly what I was doing to the A, thinking it was OK because the A's behavior wasn't working for me.
I kept her busy with my thoughts, recommendations, critiques, and anger regarding her drinking. As a result, she had little time to work on the problem on her own terms, in her own way, without reprisal from me. Thus, when things didn't work out for her, they were my ideas that failed, not hers.
Not only did this deny her the opportunities to experience her own attempts and failures with alcohol, it denied her the dignity of any victories she might have had. My constant involvement amplified her feelings of worthlessness and failure.
In AlAnon I learned of the importance of showing love to the A, despite hating the disease. Detaching from all of the alcoholic behavior and allowing the A to handle her own consequences and victories made it so much easier to do this.
Today's reminder: 'I am learning the difference between help and interference. Today, I will examine the way I offer support.'
From Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism: "Detachment did not mean disinterest...I considered detachment 'respect for another's personhood."
The A in my life at the time later shared that my change in behavior as I worked to apply this principal made a tremendous difference in how she felt about herself, me, and her own program. In no way can we control the A or possible outcomes, but we can improve our treatment of ourselves and others, including the alcoholic. We can treat them with the respect and dignity of making their own decisions and experiencing the consequences.
When we focus on changing ourselves, we never know how it may affect others. But we can be sure that working to apply AlAnon principals in our own lives will bring us closer to serenity. For this, I am extremely grateful...
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Hi,
Thanks so much for posting this. I'm really new to alanon and struggling with how to detach from the disease without cutting myself off emotionally from my AGF or become cold and uncaring towards her. The way you express your understanding, how to detach with love, I can see what it actually means now. I'm not very good at it yet, but will keep trying. Thanks x
What a lovely detailed post Enigmatic! I think we were posting at the same time!!!
I believe when we focus on ourselves, we not only find serenity, but we set an example of how change is possible!
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You definitely have a good understanding of "detachment", which means you have a handle on what the disease is all about. Good job Enigmatic, you have nailed a very important life changing mindset. {{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
@Clara75 - Welcome, so glad you are here and are reaching out to AlAnon...My realizations, even with the help of the Program, came with much struggle and effort, also. I had found it easy in my past to cut people off if I needed, but detaching with LOVE was something entirely different. I still work hard at it as it does not come naturally, but it does come easier.
Reading the daily readers like this one, Courage to Change, and the others, was invaluable in introducing new, healthy concepts for me to try using in my life. It brought me a whole new worldview and I am so grateful. Thank you for sharing, keep coming back
@Iamhere - Yes indeed, it appears that I was! Your points were well made, thank you. As you point out, focus on ourselves, but we need not forget about the others, who undoubtedly benefit from our more healthy and fulfilling habits. Thank you so much for your service...
@Debb@serenity47 - Thank you for your kind words...I am a work in progress, certainly, and am so grateful that I now have a healthy blueprint. I work on this topic everyday as it touches on so many areas of life, even away from the A in our lives. I've got a long way to go, but pages like this and the ESH from helpful, loving members like you help me so much. I am so grateful the Program and the Fellowship, thank you all...
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Paul, thank you for this wonderful post. The message is so timely for me right now, as I am trying to work out boundaries for my brother's continued stay with my husband and daughter and me. I am working hard on new behaviors, and you gave me a great deal to think about. I hope to write more later, but just wanted to say thank you:)
Detachment is something i spent alot of time practicing when i came to alanon the first time. Lately I have been letting guilt about my sons childhood prevent me from detaching, feeling guilty that because I wasn't there when he was growing up that I must be there for him now and be very involved in his life-he is 21, in a recovery program,and very very angry. I have taken a step back because of some of his behaviors and while I know is the right ting to do to maintain my sanity i feel soooooo guilty. When I was a teenager my family stopped talking to me. I was utterly alone with very minimum people in my life. I don't want my son to ever feel that alone yet his behavior is very difficult to deal with. I think he may have borderline personality disorder and that really scares me. He is in for a rough ride if that's the case. Mostly I have been acting/reacting out of guilt and need a reminder that its ok to set boundaries.
thanks to you all
@vorpal - Thank you for the kind words, so glad that the words from the program were helpful for you at this time. It truly is a daily challenge to incorporate the principals in our affairs, especially in balancing family obligations with identifying, setting, and maintaining boundaries. So glad you are here, hang in there, wishing you strength, hope, and serenity...
@nanyg - AlAnon is an amazing place, always here for us when we need it. This is not always the case for others in our lives, as you can attest to. My heart goes out to you as you work to regain a healthy perspective with your son. I, too, lost my entire family of origin and social group at one point in my life, I can relate to the feelings of isolation and loss that challenge efforts to see things with balance and health.
So glad you are back in touch with AlAnon and finding strength. No matter how hard the challenge or lost that I felt, I never left a meeting or read a page from program literature that did not help me find a better place. Please keep coming back
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Detachment is something i spent alot of time practicing when i came to alanon the first time. Lately I have been letting guilt about my sons childhood prevent me from detaching, feeling guilty that because I wasn't there when he was growing up that I must be there for him now and be very involved in his life-he is 21, in a recovery program,and very very angry. I have taken a step back because of some of his behaviors and while I know is the right ting to do to maintain my sanity i feel soooooo guilty. When I was a teenager my family stopped talking to me. I was utterly alone with very minimum people in my life. I don't want my son to ever feel that alone yet his behavior is very difficult to deal with. I think he may have borderline personality disorder and that really scares me. He is in for a rough ride if that's the case. Mostly I have been acting/reacting out of guilt and need a reminder that its ok to set boundaries. thanks to you all
You can rest assured "it's not your fault" you have no power over genetic engineering nobody has.
If your son has BPD there's only one power that can make a difference and that power is God, pray for his God to show him the way and stand back and let him.
im speaking to myself too as I have a natural default position to want to put my sons malady down to something I did or neglected to do.
thank God for Alanon and its wholesome program which gives me hope for today and peace in my heart
Thanks for the share! I particularly liked this part:
> AlAnon introduced me to the concept of allowing the A to face the consequences
> of their actions; the concept that the A had to reach a point on their own that
> sparked the desire to make a real change in their life.
That is detachment with love.
In my marriage, I did detach... and the consequence is that she drove me right
out of her life because her addictive behavior just burnt me out. The irony is
that detachment with love led to the end of our love.
To me, it's consistent with _How Al-Anon Works_. I remember how astounded
I was that so many of the case studies ended in divorce even when the A got
recovery. Chalk me as another tally in that column, too.
By the way, in rereading this I suppose you could say if I got burnt out then
maybe I didn't fully detach. I did per your definition here though and I think
this definition is a great one. I simply decided I no longer wanted to be with
someone who didn't change. She didn't face consequences in our marriage
that sparked her desire to make a real change in her life. Maybe our divorce
will... I will never know.
What a great post - thanks very much for sharing this Paul.
A longtime member of my homegroup says that there is no such thing as coincidence; I was reminded of that saying when reading your post. My A is in a bad place - not doing much of anything except drinking; I don't think he's eaten anything substantial in the last five days. He lives with me (my brother) and in the not-too-distant past I would be interfering and trying to control and change him. I work away from home for three or four days a week and indeed, when I got home yesterday I took the situation personally and felt the indignation that used to be a natural reaction for me.
I must detach for all the reasons you set out in your post. I cannot take away his opportunities to take responsibility for his actions.
It's going to take all of my program on Monday to leave again for the week and not to call work asking for my diary to be cleared so that I can stay home and 'look after him'. But I can do this - I have to.
