The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading discusses detaching with love and allowing our A(s) to hit their own bottom by experiencing natural consequences for their choices and actions. It also discusses that with the best of intentions, we have often interrupted their success too. Only through working the program, and detaching with love can we and our loved ones experience both our satisfactions and our disappointments.
Today's Reminder:
I am learning the difference between help and interference. Today, I will examine the way I offer support.
"Detachment did not mean disinterest...I considered detachment 'respect for another's personhood.'" - from Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism
When I first began practicing detachment, I wasn't able to do it with love. I showed more disinterest or disconnect than love for sure. It wasn't intentional, I just didn't know how to do it and was told if I can't detach with love to detach. I have since gotten better at detaching and it's easier for me now because I have established and communicated healthy boundaries.
The closer I stay to my program and my HP, the better this life is for me and those I love. By detaching with Love, I am able to watch their personal successes without worry as they are now children of my HP. He watches out for me and also for them.
Great daily reading for those who are new to the program or those in need of a basic refresher/reminder.
My wish is for a great day for all of us!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
There was a time in my life when detachment meant amputation. I stopped doing my sig others laundry, stopped picking up after him, etc. I was still very resentful inside though. I didn't have any idea how to manage my feelings or how to feel them without them spewing out on to others. Thank God and this program I have made progress. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I love and accept myself right where I am.
I turned 44 today. My adhd sig other forgot to wish me a happy birthday this morning. It stung for a minute, but I remembered I am not perfect and that we have a pretty good life together and he is good to me.I never reminded him. It's a gift to me to allow others to be right where they are without me trying to fix or rearrange the situation. There was a time when I would have raised hell with him over this and not been able to let it go. Thank god for the program and my hp, I can allow others just to be. Thanks for the topic and letting me share :)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Happy Birthday to you!! May your day be blessed and full of peace, serenity and love!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree completely Iamhere will your post! I wasn't very good either, in the beginning and was also told, by AH that it felt, to him, as if I did not care for him. I learned how to adjust my understand of the disease and therefore adjust how I detached as well. Detaching with empathy and love was tricky but well worth the effort.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I keep meaning to tell you that I love the quote in your signature! I signed up to lead a F2F in July, and it's on Forgiveness.
I might 'borrow' your quote as part of the overview!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Another day... another struggle with the "detach with love" concept for me.
One thing I noticed when I went to F2F meetings was that I felt different. When others
would share, they talked about family members like sons and daughters, parents,
etc. For me it was my wife.
And if the marriage is bad enough then why not end it?
I suppose it comes down to your beliefs in G-d and whether you feel it a sin to divorce
and how seriously you take the vows... belief in the afterlife and such. For others there
are kids and they feel compelled to stay for the kids. Maybe these are the simple
answers.
For me, it came down to loving myself. I respect myself. I work hard, I treat others
well, I'm a good person--and I deserve someone who can love me and appreciate
me rather than a substance. I played the victim for a while feeling like I was
neglected and abused in the marriage--and honestly, I think I had good reason for
feeling that way and I _was_ victimized. Eventually though, as I burnt out even
more, the choice was clear especially when I started telling family and friends what
had been going on: divorce.
I can see "detach with love" more in cases where you're bound forever. Kids and
parents will always be your kids and parents... same goes for other familial
relations. I don't feel it has to be forever in terms of a spouse, though. From
this perspective, it's not a surprise to me that so many of the case studies in
_How Al-Anon Works_ end in divorce.
The program teaches us to take what we want and leave the rest behind. I was also told early on that I needed to look for the similarities in other shares vs. the differences. It was easier for me to detach with love from my AH than my children, no doubt. Part of this was my twisted thinking that I had caused the disease in my children, and could possibly cure it - after all, I was their mother and I birthed them. That was so not the case. They have been far more abusive than my AH, and I've been able to forgive them, blame the disease and detach to allow them to live their lives and manage the consequences of their choices.
Detaching with love is well-defined in the literature and is discussed often in meetings. While it may be difficult to practice, it's not difficult to understand. It's all about using grace, dignity and respect for all persons - and changing us, our responses, etc. to find happiness.
As you engage with this program on all levels, you will find people who stayed together in spite of the disease, others who divorced and still others who separated and then yet others who passed from the disease, leaving a family intact. Each experience is different and it's not about the end result - it's about the journey.
Going to meetings, working the steps and working with a sponsor IMO is necessary to find the peace and serenity we desire. (((Hugs))) to you are you work to understand.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
