The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My whole body feels like it is feeling emotional pain right now. It is past emotional pain not current but my whole throat feels like it is on fire and my stomach was in knots until a few minutes ago when I logged in.
My partner is away this week and we have just put our dog in kennels to be looked after for a few days as I am also going away later this week for an event with some members of my alcoholic family.
My family broke down when I was very young due to alcoholism and I think my body is feeling the loss right now. I have just recently started a written step 4 for the first time and I think with other things going on around my recovery it has come to the surface to be heard. I didn't know I still had so much pain inside me.
Walking into my empty house I feel like I am walking into an emotional void that is sucking the contents of my body out. When we left my dad (more than once) if felt like we were pulling the whole house apart, felt like we were pulling its heart out. So when I walk into this empty space now I feel like I'm re-experiencing it (or experiencing it to this level for the first time.)
I become much clumsier and more forgetful when I am like this. I can't put long thoughts together either. I have made some mistakes at work today but that's OK, I don't need to panic or punish.
I know that it is only for a few days and everything will be ok afterwards, everything is ok right now, but my body doesn't feel like that. It's like my body is processing the information separately from my brain. Coming out of denial about it.
I've felt this before but never like this.
There's a reading in courage to change saying out loud what I am doing right now like 'I am in the bathroom' or whatever. Think I need to do that and plenty of self care.
Just needed to share.
x x
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"There's still so much in me that I need to learn to love."
I understand your emotional pain. It is so intense
And yes coming out of denial is a big part if it. I
Attended alanon ftf neetings and just listened for
Almost two years. I was at rock bottom and there
Was one way and that was up.
I have my fourth step sitting beside me ready to
Start when i can focus better. My foo issues are
Inside of me and my XAH issues were my immediate
Concern so i have been focusing on him.
I hope i do not have to go thru this level of turmoil
Again when dealing with my foo issues. I live in a
Mind fog and it is not much fun. Too much of my
Inner Resources are being used for my emotional
self. It has to end sometime soon i hope:)
What a powerful and honest post - thank you for sharing.
(((hugs))) & positive thoughts to you from me...
I have also had those moments and it's incredible sadness that kind of just takes over. My experience is similar to yours - it has to run it's course and then it lessons and I find peace. I've been there and thank goodness for what we learn here - this too shall pass.
I've decided that these periods of mental and physical disconnect are just a part of my 'growing up in public'. There are still issues that I've not 'uncovered' in my step work and my HP helps reveal them and work through them as I am ready to handle them.
I am sorry for your pain today and hope that by sharing, it brought you some peace. For me, journaling, writing, talking with a trusted program friend and/or sponsor are all great ways to get to the other side.
We are here for you and you're not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
