The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When AH gets nasty and argumentative and goes into what I call the Dr. Jekyll routine, I have found that the most useful Al-Anon tool to use to say no is:
J.A.D.E.
You do not need to:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
It is the disease, not you or them that is creating the chaos.
The ability to DETACH with love and empathy is very important, if you find that you are in a relationship with an A and cannot, for whatever reason completely end that relationship. I still love my AH and I found that the DETACHING and J.A.D.E. tools have been extremely important for me to master.
I just walk away hang up refuse to participate, when the alcoholic becomes verbally abusive or argumentative. I will usually say, as I walk away that, I will not discuss with you, anything, at this time, you are yelling and screaming because you have been drinking.
No more blaming or taking the blame for the chaos the A creates, it only fuels the need and reason for A to keep drinking.
When I say no to the chaos, Ive made a conscious choice to retain my serenity and dignity, and not take the verbal abuse personally. The focus should always be on you and your peace not on the chaos or the drinking!
Belonging to an Al-Anon group like MIP and attending f2f meetings will give the support you need as well!
Happy Monday {{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thanks for sharing this - I love easy to remember tools that are so important for my tool box.
I has such a hard, hard time realizing that Yes. and No. were answer enough, and that there was no need for added words. It seems as if I was forever following either with reasons/explanations as to why...
I've gotten better in using these tools and the others only through support from my F2F group, MIP, Sponsor and the program. It actually is so much easier to not feel the need to defend everything that is coming out of my mouth especially when the first word is all that is heard.
I will make sure to add this to my toolbox and make it a great Monday!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
