The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am wondering if I feel anxious partly from not posting here as often. My AH filed bankruptcy so the house is not foreclosing yet. When I mention to him he hasn't helped me support our daughter, he claims he has "saved" the house by filing bakruptcy...knstead of giving me any money for our daughter. He has been living in the house without paying a dime for a year now. I don't call that "saving the house." We disagree on the whole picture of our marriage. I still talk to my sponsor weekly, and she reminds me how I like to try and prove myself right to my AH. Why bother? I will never be right in his eyes. He claims I am the reason for our marriage falling apart because I couldn't deal with life. In other words, I decided I could no longer live with an alcoholic who put alcohol and sleeping as his priorities in life. I was so tired of trying to change him. I have to remind myself why I left. I feel lonely at times....sad about the fact I never had the "ideal" family life I thought I would have. Two marriages failed. I try not to be sad about it, I wish I could just erase my brain and not remember things that make me sad.
I now work full time so I have very little time left to do things for myself, like go to al anon meetings. I keep ruminating about the men in my life who have hurt me so much. I am convinced the best thing for me is to be single forever. I am also afraid to move forward with my divorce, because I am afraid of what the judge will decide on child custody. Right now I have more control over when she visits her dad...I have to be sure he is sober before she sees him. It's the safest thing for me right now.
Just coming back to vent about life. I am having a hard time being positive lately. Also wishing I could stop feeling anxious and stop ruminating over past events and worrying about the future.
Welcome back New Life girl , I missed you. I certainly can understand the ruminating over past pain and the inability to move forward. I'm glad you have a sponsor and hope that you will soon be able to work a fourth and fifth step on these issues. I know when I did and became entirely ready to let go of the anger and resentment. The pain lifted.
I understand the concerns and believe me, this too shall pass so please just keep coming back and trust the process
Newlife girl, so sorry that you are experiencing such anxious times. I too can understand, with empathy, how you are feeling. I hear from you that you are having difficulty attending f2f al-anon meetings since you started working full-time, you can certainly attend the ones that are offered daily here on MIP and working the steps on the "Step Work Board" (you can see at the top of this page on the left and right the directions to the meetings and step board) it will begin to help alleviate anxieties. It is great that you have a sponsor and it sounds like they are giving you good advice. Trust in your HP and keep coming back to talk, you are not alone!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
So sorry about your anxiousness and can understand and relate. I second the meetings here - they are a great way to start a day or end the day - either way (or both).
The best tool in my bag for when I am like you describe is to try and bring it back to the moment. It's a bunch easier for me to find peace or joy in a moment than when I consider later, tomorrow or yesterday.
(((Hugs))) to you - keep posting & coming back. MIP is such a special place to share and get ESH!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You don't want to erase your brain because things make you sad, because then you will make the same mistakes yet again! Hopefully your sponsor can help you be able to face those bad experiences and learn from them, learn who you are, in all your glory, and in all your defects, and know you are the only you, and you are the only person that can make you happy.
Keep coming back, sorry if I'm a little preachy today
Aloha Newlife and welcome back. For me anxiousness is about fear, one and the same and when I am fearful I have to check out how my mind is building evidence on what I am afraid of. Too often the evidence is false yet appears real and I am buying into it and coming up with "well I MUST be afraid of this, what else can I do". Learning new alternatives to the what else can I do is in big part what recovery is all about. It takes time and patience and the help of others to arrive at better solutions. "Meeting makers make it" is one of the slogans spoken about in the fellowship. Keep coming back...this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
