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I'm training for a marathon and today I'm supposed to do 12 miles.
I'm not at all happy right now, though.
I did it! I broke free of my XAW! The divorce was final about one month ago. I remember reading _How Al-Anon Works_ about one year ago and being surprised how many of those marriages ended up in divorce even when the A was in recovery. In my case, after many blackout benders she finally went to rehab. By that point I felt broken by internal conflict over why I was still in the marriage. I limped along for a few months and then, in our last couples therapy session, I figuratively looked deep into her eyes and saw that she was not ready for change. I saw this in her attempts to blame me and to have me go back to individual therapy: denial at its very best.
On a couple occasions when we'd talk about our marriage, I said "I don't want to get divorced... if we get divorced then I'll be slapped instantly with 12 months of major depression." I'm living that now. I cry most days and I think of her often.
I don't know if my emotional issues right now are simply grief over the loss of my family (e.g. wife, two stepkids, and three cats that I will never see/talk to again) or if they are more Al-Anon related. Anyone who goes through divorce probably feels some degree of loss like I do. I know that when I think about addiction though, I get sad to tears. I flash back to those times when my XAW would lock herself in the bathroom and pass out on the floor. I remember when she was drunk, suicidal, and/or having a panic attack. That happened a few times. How many husbands ever see their wives in such a state, I used to wonder? What made all this so devastating to me was the contrast to the beautiful, cheerful, happy, energetic, and once-aspirational individual she was when she was not drinking. That was living and that is the person I fell in love with--not Mr. Hyde who seemed much closer to death.
So there's the divorce component and the loneliness that saddens me to tears. Tears are also characteristic of my thinking/reflecting on addiction and the horrifying effects that can have. What am I dealing with right now, exactly? Divorce? Al-Anon stuff? Does it even matter?
I have my plan for coping and I'm doing a decent job. I'm keeping up with exercise, I'm eating healthy, I'm working hard during the week, and I'm looking to start fostering some kittens. I'm reaching out to friends and family with whom I lost touch (addiction in the household tends to do that, I think). I've seen a couple good friends and a cousin in the last five weeks. I hope to continue doing that. I've called a couple guy friends and organized some barbeques over the last six weeks... those are enjoyable for a moment.
I feel like I can't be much of a friend to anyone right now because I'm such an emotional mess myself, though. This makes me wonder about what I need. Sometimes I feel like I just want someone to hold me and let me cry. My XAW used to do that on occasion when she was sober and we would talk about our marriage. She's gone now. Who else? Nobody wants to see me in this state... those who know me have never seen me this way before. Heck, I have never seen me like this before.
Maybe I should cover a big wall with poster board or construction paper and write the numbers 1 to 365 on it. Every day I can cross another off, then... every day I must be one step closer either to being happy again or at least not being so sad.
Remorse after a divorce is finalized is extremely normal. It definitely a time of reflection and that is what you seem to be doing. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to keep yourself healthy and the activities you have and are planning all sound like you know you need to interact with family and friends at this time. You should cut yourself some slack, because you are doing very well. It is okay to feel remorse right now, it has only been a month.
You may want to join an Al-Anon group and do some f2f meetings. The Al-Anon family and MIP forum members here are such a great support group to bounce feelings and thoughts off of.
I think you are doing all the right things for yourself right now, you should be proud of yourself!
Wishing you happy days soon.
Please come back to chat anytime you need to!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Aloha Mark and welcome to the board. I have a suggestion which is to read your post as if someone else wrote it and listen to the person describe what happened, what is was like and what it is like now. Why do that...empathy and compassion for the victim of our disease alcoholism. You've been beat up and Debbie suggest getting with those of us in your neighborhood who have also been beat up by this insane and often fatal incurable disease. You are not the only one who is being hurt...your xaw is being hurt as are the children and yes the cats. I would suggest more meetings rather than more miles to give your insides a chance to heal...your spirit and your heart and your emotions. Keep coming back...((((hugs))))
Only you can determine if you want/need Alanon, but a part of me says, "Why Not?" Nothing changes if nothing changes...
Your one wish/desire in your post beyond going through your grief was someone to hold you so you can cry. You will get that if you want at a local Alanon meeting. It is the only place where I felt I could be a part of, open, honest, raw and not be judged or embarrassed.
There are meetings here also twice a day if you want to check out online meetings - the schedule is top left area of this board.
(((Virtual Hugs))) to you as you walk through this time in your life. The literature and my experience tells us that this will pass and there is a better life on the other side of the grief/pain.
Keep coming back!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mark, im sorry you feel so down. Your self care is excellent though, there are many positives in your post, much to be grateful for. I think when our dreams and hopes and plans for the future are gone, it is a blow but you can make others, more realistic ones that will be met. Alcoholism is a taker. Its sad and a hard road to travel but im at the stage after leaving my ex then completely ending contact with him that im grateful for everything our family has been through to be honest. When my relationship ended i felt many emotions but the overwhelming feeling of freedom has never left me. It brought me to alanon, to enlightenment, to a place where i say what goes on in my head. Im free to choose to be happy every day, to live fully, to look for the joy. Other things do creep in, yes like sadness or anger or self pity but ive learned to search out the good in every day. A year of depression seems inevitable if you make your mind up for it to be. Your in charge here mark, your not a helpless victim and your showing that through reaching out to people in your life and here. Can you up your meetings or your program work, its the only thing that gets me back on track.
Welcome Mark I love the self care program that you have started for yourself Please keep coming back here and sharing You are not alone, there is hope and remember it si progress not perfection that we seek,
Hi Mark. I know how you feel. I just posted about very similar feelings that I am having today. This will be my 2nd divorce. The addiction aspect makes me very angry. I am convinced if there wasnt a drinking problem, our marriage would be ok...but if I am honest...my AH has many other problems too. I am trying to look at the positives of divorce. As a single person, we can do whatever we want without worrying about the spouse's opinion, feelings, etc. no more walking on eggshells. But I understand the need of just wanting to be told everything will be ok....thats when I talk to my sponsor and friends. Exercise helps, too. hang in there.
Jerry, you raise a very interesting point. It's hard for me not to hate my XAW at this point. She went to rehab. She learned about the trauma and devastation of her childhood, which I do believe was the source for all of her addictive behavior. She was put (or put herself?) in a position to succeed. It's very hard for me to forgive her denial, though, and the way she continued to blame me for things when she could not see past the nose on her face.
Stepping back though, I have a long-standing dilemma with regard to my thinking about the A. Are they to be pitied or are they to be blamed? A large part of me believes at some time in our lives, in adulthood, we are expected to act like adults and that is our duty. Do we give felons a pass for their traumatic childhoods that may have led to a lifetime of crime? No. We send felons to jail. We consider felons bad people. Should we regard As in the same light?
I have an easier time feeling pity and giving the pass to As who have not yet come to AA or done any other treatment. My XAW went to AA meetings though. She had a couple sponsors. She went to intensive outpatient treatment. She went to rehab. Despite all that, in the end she blamed me and demanded that _I_ go back to therapy. She couldn't see that the cumulative effect of her addictive behavior is what paralyzed me and wore me thin. Are you kidding me? She basically had an experiential masters degree in addictive behavior at that point and she continued to uphold the denial.
"But that's part of the disease," I sometimes hear.
No! She's an adult. She has a brain. She's now been more than educated about her condition and what to do. She simply does not want to change. I firmly believe that's what it comes down to and for that reason I can't help but think of her as a bad person--much like I would think the same of a sociopath and narcissist.
I once got into a discussion at a ftf Al-Anon meeting about something like this. We had a double winner at the table. He defended the A. I certainly did not want to offend him but still to this day, I think she was a bad person while I was married to her.
I'm guessing there are no definitive rights or wrongs in a discussion like this but it helps to air thoughts/feelings and I'm definitely interested to hear other viewpoints.
What about the double winner? He's in recovery! He was working the program! He put in the time and effort that it takes to be sober. That's admirable, in my view. There is no better example of Good and inspiration than people who have gone through hell in their lives and come out a role model on the other end.
-- Edited by Mark17 on Monday 15th of June 2015 09:29:41 AM
I also felt if there wasn't a drinking problem we would have been fine. For a while I felt sad because "alcoholism destroyed my marriage." This probably contradicts some of the thoughts I just typed in response to Jerry.
Maybe it's true. Maybe "alcoholism" is to blame... the disease that cripples anybody in its wake like cancer does.
It's hard for me not to believe there's an element of free will involved, though... that the A has a choice whether they want to change or not. If they do then there are ways: 12-step programs, rehab, therapy, etc. If not then they won't--in which case, is "alcoholism" to blame or is she to blame for being a bad person? I feel more the latter right now but I may be wrong. Maybe later I'll blame "alcoholism."
I guess, though, if I were to blame "alcoholism" then why not blame those who gave rise to her addictive behavior? Her parents are dead but they abused her and neglected her... I could blame them. What could would that do? What good does any blame do anyway?
I don't know... good food for thought, though.
Newlife girl wrote:
Hi Mark. I know how you feel. I just posted about very similar feelings that I am having today. This will be my 2nd divorce. The addiction aspect makes me very angry. I am convinced if there wasnt a drinking problem, our marriage would be ok...but if I am honest...my AH has many other problems too. I am trying to look at the positives of divorce. As a single person, we can do whatever we want without worrying about the spouse's opinion, feelings, etc. no more walking on eggshells. But I understand the need of just wanting to be told everything will be ok....thats when I talk to my sponsor and friends. Exercise helps, too. hang in there.
Hi Mark17, this is why you hear many people refer to this as a cunning, baffling disease. My wife has been in recovery for 1.5 years. Why did she choose when she did to recover? She had already chosen once and relapsed. The only thing I can think of is because she finally figured out that to not recover was worse than to recover. And that she decided that recovery was more precious to her than anything else in life.
We already had marital problems before she became an alcoholic. Part of the reason she picked up the bottle was long-term depression that wasn't being treated effectively. Much of the reason that people drink is because it is just easier to do than face life on life's terms. Even someone who has been educated with AA, rehab, IOP, etc, still can decide that it's easier to just be drunk than to have to deal with life. Alcohol/addiction can have that kind of hold on a person.
What about the double winner? He's in recovery! He was working the program! He put in the time and effort that it takes to be sober. That's admirable, in my view. There is no better example of Good and inspiration than people who have gone through hell in their lives and come out a role model on the other end.
You never know when that hell ends for anyone. You weren't there for that double winner when he was going through that hell and you just wanted to give up on him. Many people probably did, that might be why he finally chose recovery. You may look back on your XAW in 5 years and be happy for her because she finally chose recovery. And for her, when she goes to an meeting, there will be somebody else there who has no comprehension of the hell that she went through to be able to stand there that night. She might talk about the divorce, and events after that still didn't wake her up. But something will do it, and then what you have been through will be part of the story.
Or she won't choose recovery, and you will shake your head and maybe be glad you got out every time you see her when she is going further down the hole and refuses to acknowledge it.
One of the best books I know of for this kind of topic is "How Al Anon Works". I would recommend it.
Kenny
BTW Congrats on working on the marathon. I have only done 1/2 marathon, I still can't fathom going one inch past 13.1 miles!
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Monday 15th of June 2015 03:45:49 PM
I've been in recovery a long time and am a double winner...Al-Anon first, 9 years alcohol free and then AA after I finally took the alcoholic assessment myself that I wished my alcoholic/addict wife had done. Before I came to understand alcoholism the disease my alcoholic/addict wife was a bitch and after I understood she became a very sick person with a non-curable often fatal disease. I was almost responsible for at least one near fatal event in her life. If you want to read a paper back college text on the disease get a copy of "Under the Influence" I cannot remember both authors I think one is Milam. Yes I went to college on this disease and for me today there are no bad alcoholics. There are very good people who absolutely unacceptable things while under the influence of alcohol and guess what we are in that class when under the influence also...we too have a program. Alcoholism is not a moral issue it is a category 1 disease which is thousands of years older than the life of the Christ. We are an altered species of human beings. I stopped doing pity the alcoholic decades ago when Al-Anon taught me how to put compassion and empathy in my mind, body, spirit and emotions. After I came to understand just how monstrous our disease is pity became a self centered and egotistical way of being involved...for me there was no love involved as compassion and empathy has. I learned to love my alcoholic after I got into recovery...surely I learned to love everyone else also including myself. My definition of love comes from within the rooms of Al-Anon and by another member who took the time to share with me how it was that she came to truly love her own alcoholic husband. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every human being for exactly who they are". I got it and have no excuses now. Notice that the word alcoholic isn't in that definition; replaced by the wider version.
I learned another definition of compassion also..."To feel with" which meant for me to also feel the physical and mental pain and emotional pain my wife was going thru as the disease kept taking her out often against her own will. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and it alters the body also. Why then does the alcoholic drink the way they drink...They have a compulsion of the mind with and allergy of the body (pain) They cannot not drink and when they do the allergy brings them to insanity and often close and then closer to death. This isn't root beer...this is poison so powerful that its allergy is in the drinker and non-drinker.
I am a double...I know what my wife went thru maybe in a different way and still I can read it off as well as she could. I drank when I didn't want to and several times stopped only because I had reached toxic shock...that point where a body says "I've had enough and completely shuts down leaving a continued heartbeat and breath subject to how much raw alcohol was still in your system. Its a quiet suicide attempt. Thanks for letting me share. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 15th of June 2015 07:32:46 PM
KennyFenderjazz--thanks for the comments. It's interesting to see you piece together the future situation from her POV. I've tried to think about that a few times but haven't gotten very far. I figure she probably blames me for lots of things and to me that's her denial working overtime. To me, she has little insight otherwise she wouldn't think that way. Who knows, though? I don't expect to ever see/talk to her again and I must move on.
Jerry--I can't accept the allergy analogy at this point. I also don't have infinite compassion for them. This probably reflects work I still have to do. Ultimately, I had to stop loving her because I loved myself. For me, staying in this marriage with her repeated behavior was harmful to me. I felt I deserved better. I could have worked the "love with detatchment" route harder, I'm sure, but I figured 17 blackout episodes plus strong denial was enough. She obviously wasn't ready to change or accept full responsibility and I know I can't make anybody want to change. The case seemed at least as strong for me to leave and do the right thing for me as it did to stay and have infinite compassion for the alcoholic.
I think I just don't get it yet. That may change or it may not.
I won't be here in this forum deprecating As. The reason is three-fold: first, it's never my job to join someone else's fight; second, my focus here is for the friends and family of As who come here to share; third, I don't feel any anger or hostility toward other As--just my spouse who I suffered with for over three years. There's also an element of thinking she was an adult but realizing she was a child in an adult body but that's onto other things.
