This is very interesting to me...in an unusual way...lol. I think one thing that I didn't get at the end is the "YOU NEED ME!" Phrase.

Many people may find this disturbing...I don't know why, but it feels somewhat scary to me...perhaps because those of us who have lived in severe physical abuse often literally "feel" the blows when "smack" is read.

My true physical abuser was not my AH, but my 1st husband....and the steps were so scary because I had absolutely no history in dealing with a person like that. I was very young and very naive...just barely 19. He was so charming and strong and despite my reservations, I married him....because I was bound to him...I felt sorry for his life, I believed the lies (and it was all lies...from childhood, to school, to adulthood). Mostly what stands out to me is that NOBODY,BUT NOBODY believed me...and I had never been a liar.

Of course, things escalated so quickly that bruises and scars don't just appear and he couldn't hold it together in front of others forever, but he truly took a toll on my life that I have never been able to completely overcome. Some damage is not repairable.

Please know I am not referring to AH! I do not even know where 1st husband is or if he is still alive. I do not know where he really came from or what was ever true, but I do now understand true sociopathic behaviors and I hope no one here ever has to deal with a true sociopath.

One of the skills he used was to beat me for some infraction...like no ketchup on the table (I don't ever...and never have eaten it) and then sit in the corner and cry because I made him do it (beat me).  This was to play on my feelings of guilt and shame.  I felt guilty for not doing (whatever).

So your "poem" does hit home in many ways...just know that there is a "feel sorry for me because you made me do it" aspect and a very big "I can't live without you"..."you are the only one who ever loved me", along with the picture perfect scenario the "outside" world sees. The "it's really your fault" is very very hard to overcome so we try and try to do everything we can..forever...to keep anyone happy. This is especially true when everybody is fooled by the abuser because he/she is such a great person and always shows everyone how much they love you and need you. Rarely can anyone see past the charade unless they really want to...and most people want to believe nobody is capable of that kind of behavior.

Please know that I have worked on this for 25 years now and am much better, but don't feel sorry for me because I did get out and I did live and I did learn. I now understand that some people are too sick and that you must simply get out when and how you can. Thank God i was able to do that and I pray anyone else who lives with an abuser will get help and get out.

Sorry if this post was a drag....it's just that the memories flooded back in and couldn't be stopped. I had to get them out. They never honestly leave when you have experienced them, but they do get less painful.

AH is not an abuser in a physical way (or even a name caller). I am proud to call him my husband despite the disease of alcoholism...than God he is in recovery now and I pray he will continue that path. I cannot control him and have honestly (for the very first time) come to understand the true powerlessness of my attempts to control or change another person. Al-anon's 3 c's are very, very real, powerful and poignant and are an amazing force in my recovery.

-- Edited by Doingmybest on Sunday 14th of June 2015 06:23:57 AM

I am a double winner, and did identify that the intended subject was the alcohol or substance.

However, it was not like that for me either. The disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive.

It's been a long, long while since I've considered the allure of the disease, but for me, the progression was much slower (not in days) and the seduction was sweet, not intense or painful.

I believe it would be very difficult to write about the seduction of the disease unless you've lived it. Have you considered writing about it from the Alanon side?

I may be crazy but not 'dumb' - if the disease caused that much pain, I believe my bottom would have come sooner. For me, the pain of addiction was towards to end of my progression, and then there are 4 places to go - jail, mental institution, ground or recovery.

As a double winner, I believe the loved ones feel the pain much, much sooner than the alcoholic/addict. I don't know if this helps or not....but - there it is!!

Best to you with your writing!

I tried something else, it's closer to a poem but still not quite

Promises of pain no more

Nothing else was he telling

He didn't tell the side effects

of what he was really selling

It seemed harmless... it almost made you emotionless

But by then you were careless. And soon you became helpless

Your cravings became bottomless, almost ceaseless

But that's when you get ruthless, remorseless and relentless

Your loved ones were one clueless but now they are defenseless,

They tried to help but they're powerless over something so faceless

Your nights are restless, your sleep dreamless, you look forward to tomorrow less

Your desires become aimless, the world seems colorless

You try to find help but you're clueless, it seems hopeless

And less and less and less

But now you're becoming new

like a caterpillar to a butterfly

It's worth the waiting you do

You first become remorseful, A bit careful but then you get hopeful

That you will be joyful and thankful, even grateful, prayerful

Your future soon looks wonderful, some would say blissful

Your rest can once again be peaceful

No one said it would be easy

But you're worth it