Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Well.... I did it???

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((( Skorpi)))))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Skorpi))) Congrats on completing your work and going to graduate That is a huge accomplishment.

This is an interesting turn of events as far as your wife is concerned,. I know that Al-Anon suggests that we not project into the future and not make any major changes until we have all the facts and information.

I know that I have kept an open mind on issues, and prayed the 11th step every day and at the last minute HP revealed a different road than I anticipated

Keep showing up, sharing and trusting the process--- more will be revealed

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Yay Skorpi!
How awesome to complete you degree under those circumstances. It inspires me. I don't think you need worry about being "underhanded". In think you should do what feels right.
If you stay and feel resentful later, isn't that "underhanded" in a different way?
What is most genuine for you?

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Skorpi - YAY, YAY and YAY!!!! I say way to go and congratulations for getting it all done!!! I am one who would try and stay in the moment, celebrate the completion of your schooling and anticipate with pride the forthcoming graduation! You deserve it!

Relative to the 'what to do' - the great thing this program has taught me is when in doubt....don't. I use this as well as the one day at a time when I am faced with tough decisions.

So, just for today, celebrate. Yourself. You deserve it!

And then, as Betty discusses engage your HP. The answers may not land in your lap in writing, but as there is space between you and she and the active disease, I believe more clarity will come. Trust your HP to lead you and guide you to what is the next best step.

(((Hugs))) - so very proud that you are DONE!!!!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Your higher power could be offering you that get out right there. I sounds like the perfect time to leave if thats what you want. No drama, calmly but i would let her know its happening or when its happened, to her face. Go for it, save yourself.x

Doingmybest · Senior Member

You are stronger than you think and you can do this. Only you can decide the "right" way to go about it and only you will live with the decisions you make. Do what is honestly right for you because you deserve happiness. The hardest part for me is making the decision. Once I have decided what to do, taking action is the easy part.

There will be consequences no matter what you decide, but you already know that and you already know what you need to do. Just listen to your inside voice (that's usually your HP talking) and go with what you know to be right.

Peace, my friend.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations to you! I agree with everyone, I think that you should do what you feel is right, when you are ready.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Skorpi - I often think that Alanoners have a conscience that is on overdrive while alcoholics have an underactive or nonexistent conscience. Underhanded: Think of all the times your wife lied, manipulated, hurt you...who has been underhanded? Truly?

I think part of what keeps us in relationships with alcoholics is that they have also hurt us so badly that we may feel we can't possibly hurt them so we do all the sacrificing for them. I don't know. I don't hear anything underhanded from you....ever as a matter of fact. In fact, regardless of what happens, I think you can hold your head up and say you really tried so very hard to do everything possible to help her and this relationship.

a4l · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations to you, major accomplishment. I can't help but feel a kindred sadness that the a drama impinges on the success of today! It is to my thinking a great success to be graduating. Wife's problems will keep. Celebrate you and the Joy of achievement. In terms of leaving, it was said to me, when its your time to walk you will know. It was hard and I dragged it, the potential a stronger force than reality, and yes that idea of l-o-v-e. It was very hard to enjoy any moment cos our marriage was always on my mind, me planning the next strategy, until I got sick and tired. Yes, this could be a good opportunity for you to leave her. Or it could be another act of self sacrifice. Keep taking care of you Skorpi. In support.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Congrats!!!! What pink says makes complete sense to me. You will know when you know what you want to do. Hugs

deacon · Senior Member

You say that this is not working for you. And obviously it is not working for her either in that she is facing jail or house monitoring time due to her actions. You've tried to help, you have been to hell and back, you have waited for her to see what she is doing and it has been to no avail. She has to walk her own journey and you are entitled to find happiness without the drama of living with an alcoholic.

As for wanting to leave without drama, well why not? Perhaps give her a heads up with a personal letter telling her why you are leaving that will be delivered just as you leave. There is nothing to be gained in experiencing her anger or regret. If she does get her addiction under control and truly wants to be free of it, she will do that but it is her walk.

serenity47 · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations on your accomplishment. Do what is right for you. Sometimes solutions are right in front of me but appear as another hurdle/problem when it is actually a blessing in disguise.

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, everyone.

I think it is so hard for me to keep things in perspective, and to stay sane. I see myself through the words my wife uses to describe me, and while I do this, I forget that she is seeing me through the eyes of her addiction. Of course, I must be a horrible person for not acting rationally in a situation dominated by addiction.

I do think my HP is handing me a HUGE gift. I have to figure out how to use it, and I don't need all the answers right now, I just have to be open to them when the answers come knocking at my door.

I really appreciate all your support. (((hugs)))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Congratulations on finishing! That is a huge accomplishment!

If you've wondered how to separate, but find it's been difficult to take the plunge, maybe her having to live at her mother's is indeed a huge gift.

But you're wondering how you should go about it if you decide to do it. If I understand correctly, you're worried that if you just tell her you're separating or leaving, you'll get a lot of push-back from her, and you may succumb to your own doubts, fears, or guilt and then not really go through with making the break. So you're wondering if just doing it "secretly," without telling her, would be a good way to get around those obstacles.

My thought is that the saying that's helped me immensely is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean." I didn't grow up learning to do everything in a healthy way, so my judgment is off when I try to make hard decisions for myself. The more emotion in the decision, the more I get tangled up in myself. So I use that as a yardstick to figure out if I'm planning things in the healthy way, since it doesn't come naturally to me. It's kept me on the straight and narrow more times than I can count. So I wonder if applying that to your situation would be of use to you. It does seem as if that would mean telling her ahead of time. And if you did that, you'd want a lot of support and planning as to how it was going to go, so you wouldn't be vulnerable to self-doubt, guilt, second-guessing, fear (beyond the normal amount), etc. A big support system for big decisions seems like it's always important.

Another thing I know about alcoholic relationships is that there is lots of drama. The alcoholic feeds on drama, because it confuses the situation, and because they can feel hard done by. When I think about it, leaving "secretly" is a high-drama scenario, the kind that would increase the drama in the relationship rather than reduce it. I can imagine the A tracking you down, full of fury and indignation, confronting you, clinging even more tightly, and the scene being highly dramatic ... ugh.

When I told my A we should separate, I did it by email. I know that sounds cowardly, but I knew that if we were face-to-face it would be high-drama. He was staying with his parents at the time, as it happened. And as it happened, he said, "Well, I knew this was coming," and he didn't protest. (It still would have been high drama face to face, because I would not have been able to stop myself from throwing all his faults in his face.)

Those are my thoughts as you decide what to do and how to do it. Take good care of yourself.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I dug up some assets which helped me when I was in this situation. One was a slogan - thought force regarding being confused and trying to make decisions "When in doubt...Don't". "Patience and Think" were also fulltime guides and I did much of this with my sponsor and the fellowship. The "Just for Today" Al-Anon pamphlet became a daily reader and I memorized it. It guides my daily journey. Practicing humility (being teachable), puts me inline to listening with my ears and eyes for solutions. I didn't have all the answers and so had to ask myself the question "Could you be wrong" when thinking I had the solutions for a lot of questions. Stop blaming got my focus off of my alcoholic/addict and took power away from her and what I thought she was doing and not doing that I used as justification for me not making right decisions for myself. Do you have a sponsor? Great that you graduated in spite of the trouble you have been experiencing. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

LedfootJenny · Senior Member

SKORPI ~ You did it! I mean I hope you've taken a moment, a breath and patted yourself on the back a bit. You've graduated!!!! That is the beginning of a wonderful new chapter for you.

And in terms of "leaving her" - is it possible that she's left you friend? Could her addiction is her first priority, and her long time affair. She's let it take her to house arrest or prison. She's made the first move here... just some thoughts to ponder.

And also - what does packing up and leaving mean? Is it divorce? Is it living under a separate roof, giving you each some breathing room and some time to make clear headed thoughts and decisions?

It's ok to take a break. I remind myself often that: this isn't forever, it's only for right now. And that helps me.

Love and blessings and peace to you as you work on this.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Skorpi you are doing great. Keep taking care of you
And your fur babies. Congratulations on graduating !

Just Go with the flow your answers may come without
Any decisions needed on your part. Try not to worry
Or stress. I know easier said than done.

When my xah moved out it was the best thing for
Me. I told him he was a married man and no he was
Not going off with another woman, he said but its
Over. I did not back down and stood my ground
And stayed in my house till the divorce. What does
His diseased brain think its okay to chase his AA
Women around.

The emotional and verbal abuse needed to stop.
He could not seem to stop himself, he had become
A toxic husband. He wanted out but not in a healthy
Or decent way so he acted out.

Most of his issues had nothing to do with me but to do
With him and the family disease. I was powerless
Over that just did not know it or understand any of it.
I still can not comprehend his logic, thinking and
Behaviors. This was not the man i married and
Truly Loved.

My real recovery took off after he left. I was safe
Emotionally to really feel my feelings and emotions.
I call myself the doormat come alive !

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Congratulations on earning your degree! That's a wonderful new door that's opening for you.

As far as the bond you have with your wife, that's a lot to think about.

One question I try to keep at the forefront when making big decisions is "Am I reacting or am I responding?" It's directly connected to my spiritual condition. When I'm reacting, I'm anxious. I take that as an indication of my dis-ease. When I'm responding, I feel a sense of knowing and peace. I take that as my higher power's will for me.

Wishing you and your wife the best of choices at this difficult time. TT

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, everyone. Mattie, I think you hit the nail right on the head.

I think that I fear what happened last time I tried to leave. I was anxious, and reacting, and unsure. I wasn't honest with her about my intentions, and then I felt guilt, which I think took over when she acted so sad and remorseful. So, I allowed myself to be talked into staying if she got sober. Well, that six month period ended about two years ago, and here I sit.

I think I was reacting all week and all weekend again, because I couldn't focus on my edits and my submission while also dealing with her and her behavior. So, that turned into, "fine, have some beer. Just leave me be to finish this. Fine, give me a drink, just leave me be to finish this." And, it all went downhill from there, again caused in part by her discovery and my guilt over hiding money from her, which I did as a reaction to our different financial priorities and my anger about her spending money on I didn't know what while she hung out with friends and her mom instead of looking for work, working on recovery, taking care of our home, etc.

I seem to be able to express myself best in the morning, and I think that when I talked with her this morning, I was able to respond instead of react, and I was able to be honest with her about being unhappy and feeling as if nothing in my life has really significantly changed in the last two years. I think I would say that I feel a peacefulness about that conversation, but it is a very sad peacefulness.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((skorpi))) - I will tell you that I am much more alert and serene in the AM - and the only reason I can give is that I've had rest vs. end of day I need rest.

I've always felt more productive in every way - mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally - in the morning. I've tried to shift it for times I've needed more focus in the PM, and it's just difficult for me - I guess it's my pattern.

Congrats. on having a peaceful conversation and so sorry if you're sad. Realizing that we are going no where fast in one area of our life while other areas are 'full speed ahead' is a sobering moment, and it seems as if you've arrived.

Know that your HP will guide you to and through whatever comes next. I'm still thinking you need to be riding the pink cloud of college degree - at least for a while longer!!!

Hang in there and take care of you. I too really 'heard' Mattie's message - it's a great way to consider what I am doing when I am uncomfortable or troubled...

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Skorpi,

Sounds like you've done a good job of honoring your true feelings. Our program is about getting honest with ourselves and others. Working that takes courage. None of us enjoys seeing others hurt in the process but if the alternative is taking the hit for them, I think we've lost our focus to put our own wants and needs first. In my humble opinion from what you've stated here, it sounds like you've communicated maturely your wants and needs using tools Alanon suggests. It's natural to feel sadness when coming to terms with what is when it's not what we've hoped. For myself, it came with was a sense of resignation and a touch of guilt. But the future brought clearness of thinking. The never ending anxiety about another left me, hypervigilance about what he was up to was no longer a part of my life and I found myself with plenty of time to fill with positive life affirming things that had to do with my own life. It didn't happen overnight because there was wreckage from the past to clean up but it did happen. Thanks for sharing your recovery journey. Keep coming back. TT

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene