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I've been contemplating seeing a therapist for a long time now.
Recently, daughter has started having some counselling and what both her school counsellor and her new extra-curricular counsellor have said to me is that "You should seek some support for yourself, mum". I felt that they meant it in a positive and encouraging way. Like, "hey, you matter too, daughter's mum!!" I have felt as though they are good, positive professionals.
So I thought yeah, I probably should. I've achieved a bunch of stuff and made a lot of changes in my life but in some way's I've hit a wall, with the fears and isolating and OCD and stuff. There is still stuff that is bigger than me. So why not? What do I have to lose? Why not seek some counselling for me?
So it's been a long time in the making; finally yesterday I went to see someone and I was feeling pretty positive about it.
It wasn't a tremendously positive experience though, really. . She had never heard of al-anon for a start which I thought was a bit weird as the only place I could get an appointment was in a public health clinic where they deal with a lot of drug and alcohol issues. I would have thought that at least being acquainted with al-anon would be a given. And then beyond that I just felt as though she didn't like me very much and was watching the clock. I tried to explain al-anon to her and I really got the impression that she thought it sounded stupid. What I got in the end was what I felt was a sarcastic "well, it sounds as though YOU think it's helpful". It was pretty condescending.
Anyway it didn't go well. I went in with some enthusiasm, kept an open mind and walked out feeling like an idiot which I don't think is entirely my own doing. I didn't feel as if she was very enthusiastic at all and a day later I still feel the same way so I don't think it's just my imagination.
So the experience left me feeling a bit glum and humiliated.
Today daughter had a friend over for the day. I had made a big effort to get our place looking nice and had given daughter a stupidly large sum of money to do this thing she had been planning with her friend (going to the Asian grocery store to buy a lot of unknown foods to try- a culinary adventure). I had to go and deliver newspapers. Daughter freaked out when she saw me getting ready to go and hustled her friend away to avoid having her see me set off to do it. Then I heard her making excuses to explain what I was doing. "Oh she's just helping out a friend who is sick".
So I walked around delivering papers and feeling like absolute crap about it. We live in a crappy area and a lot of the houses have their letterboxes stuffed full of rotting junk mail so I don't deliver to those ones. Also there are people who like to bang on their windows or come rushing outside to demand that they not be delivered that &^&^ *&^#% ^^%. I try to remember which is which but it's a lot of houses so it's sort of russian roulette.
But then there are the good ones. Like a couple of older ladies who come and wait by their maibox and hold out their hand for their paper and say 'thank you so much dear. You know I used to do this when I had young children. We have to do what we can, don't we?" and that makes me feel a lot better. Bless them, I guess they know pushing around newspapers in a derelict perambulator isn't exactly nourishing for the soul.
And then when I got home daughter kind of tried to order me around as if I was the hired help, in front of her friend. Until I said, sweet-heart I am not your butler and if you want things, you might have to make use of your arms and legs.
I guess it's weird. I've never functioned at quite this level of humility before; even with my ABF and my ex husband before him there were 2 people contributing to the household so we at least had a decent house and I had disposable income and before that I was a lot more functional and highly paid. This situation now is difficult, and it's depressing. It's going to be a long uphill battle.
Life didn't magically become wonderful when I stopped living with ABF. My soul is much more free and that is wonderful but we are much poorer and people treat me with a lot less respect now that I don't have a partner. That really bugs me. Even when my partner was an alcoholic nightmare and everyone knew it, I was treated with a lot more respect than I am now. When people know that you are a truly single mother, they really seem to feel as though they can say and do whatever they fancy with no accountability. It makes me feel like going on some kind of feminist rampage.
It also doesn't help that daughter's father refuses to pay for anything but keeps dangling carrots..now it is a cruise next year. So my grandmother heard about the cruise fiasco and called me to tell me I can't let my daughter go on a cruise because she will fall of the boat and drown. She was really adamant about it too. It was a ridiculous conversation and not what I would call helpful. I hadn't even contemplated the idea of her falling off the boat. Thanks Grandma. Then she told me a story about a recent cruise where the ship had a power failure and people were locked in their cabins for days and had to lie in their own sick. Awesome.
Then, my mother called. She was drunk and at her holiday house. So I had zero patience for listening to her until she said "well I can tell you don't feel like talking but listen, I had a thought. I thought maybe next year, in the July school holidays, I could take you and (insert daughter's name) to Broome for a week". Now for those of you that don't know, Broome is one of the most beautiful coastal towns in Australia and not a cheap place to take a holiday. It's somewhere I always just figured I would never get to go.
So I didn't know what to say.I spluttered and said "well I don't know" and then she reminded me that she took my siblings there a few years ago and I ended up saying "that sounds wonderful, mum".
So I don't know how I feel. I haven't been on any kind of vacation for something like 15 years (unless you count my honeymoon which I really don't). And after a lifetime of my mother and I barely speaking she's just doing all of this nice stuff for me. She bought me a car. She has paid for at least half of daughter's school expenses. Now a vacation? It's lovely, and I don't question her motives but I feel sad that I can't make any of this stuff happen on my own. I feel excited and sad at the same time. Like will the only nice things in our lives happen because of other people?
I will turn 40 during the week of the vacation she is planning. I don't know if that is wonderful or tragic.
I do know that I will be 39 in 4 weeks time and delivering newspapers and still going to uni, single and owning nothing of value isn't really what I had in mind.
Having a hard time holding my head up at the moment, to be honest.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
So sorry that so many things ganged up on you in one day.
I do see something positive in the appointment with the disastrous counselor. You knew right away that it was a red flag that she hadn't heard of Al-Anon. What kind of counselor newbie doesn't even know about a long-established and famous support groups for those dealing with alcoholics?
Early on in my journey, I didn't know enough to distinguish a good counselor from a bad one, and I wasted a lot of time with a bad one who did me absolutely no good except for making me feel more hopeless and alienated. You've saved yourself that step.
After that, I consulted about four counselors for every one that I ended up seeing. I "auditioned" a lot, and found a great one, but then she retired not too long after. So I "auditioned" around four more and found another good one, not as great as the first, but pretty good.
Along the way I found all kinds of counselors with big red flags. Ones who tried to sell me stuff ("this herbal supplment will help balance your mind, only $80 for a month's supply, available only from genuine distributors like me"), ones who gave me outright bad advice on the first visit ("if your mother would be upset, just tell her lies"), ones who had no clue about alcoholism ("Why don't you just ask him to stop drinking?"), and the truly bizarre ("you know this is a sign that aliens may have infected you when you were in your mother's womb"). In my area of the world, practically anybody can set themselves up as a counselor, and even those with real training can still have a lot of their own problems.
However, the good ones were worth their weight in gold.
So this is just to say that your experience, though aggravating, is part of the journey of finding a good one and disregarding the bad ones. I know that when you're ready, it's frustrating to have to wait and weed through the unsuitable ones. And the rest of your day sure didn't help. But as the other poster said, this too shall pass. You've come so far! And you're going much farther. Hang in there.
(((Hugs))) to you first and foremost! And I agree - this too shall pass. Life changes are scary and then when we feel the one step forward, two steps backwards - it's so easy to see what is wrong with the world. When I get 'there', I am almost forced to go back to basics - Step 1-2-3 with as much gratitude I can muster up.
I would not worry about a vacation yet - just today. All we have is today, yesterday is gone and tomorrow's not yet arrived. Do the next right thing as our program says, just for today.
I have also learned about professionals and the interviewing process. It's necessary to find a therapist that's a good fit, and that doesn't mean the same to me as it would to you. Anytime I was seeking professional help, I talked to friends, family, program folks and got recommendations. I then would ask for a phone discussion to get a feel for them and their experience as it relates to my life/issues. I always take HP with me...esp. for this!!
It's not a one size fits all and I feel sure your HP will guide you properly in your search for outside support.
Positive thoughts your way!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Unfortunately I can't shop around for a therapist. As a part of the "national mental health plan" everyone can have 6 subsidised sessions with a government appointed professional. There s not a chance on Gods Green Earth that I could afford a private therapist. The cost is beyond belief. I can work with this one or I can shut up and get over it. So I will try a few more sessions and call it a day if it's still bad.
It irritates me that A has better access than me to mental health care and welfare. He gets freaking food vouchers and counsellors. If he in't happy they bend over backwards to help him.
Not that I ever wanted to be reliant on those things or have them for free.
I had to have an interview with the people who pay my student allowance the other day. They want me to work. I had my daughter with me and I asked the representative, how? I was never before a lazy person, but what do I do? Do I leave my child at home in the evenings when I don't feel she will be safe? How do I do this? How in the name of all that is holy am I supposed to work and be a single mother?
She agreed she would not leave a 12 year old girl at home alone. She said unfortunately the system is "1 size fits all" and they assume people have support, co-parents or family to babysit so that single parents can work. She said she would help me to "cover it".
I don't want to freaking cover it. I want to be a competent person. I want to support my child. I am sick of feeling disabled and I am sick of feeling at the mercy of everyone else.
I will find a way, just freaking watch me.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Mel, I turned my whole life around starting at 36. Financially, you might be facing some hardships, but don't discount all your other progress. You have shared some disdain for materialism before and I'm not sure how you feel about joining the proverbial "rat race." I do believe you are exceptionally bright and if you want to bang out the rest of school and build a lucrative career...you will do it. Mel the sufferer is mostly dead and replaced by Mel the survivor.
Your spark and tenacity will get you through this - combined with your program & HP! I believe in you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I dislike the speed bumps of life, but almost each one has brought me new growth once I got to the other side.
Keep doing your thing, working your program and trusting your HP - you are a survivor as pinkchip suggests and it will be OK!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Hugs)))
First off, I think that's crazy you have to go back to this therapist. Frankly I wouldn't. Sounds more damaging than good (though not as big of a quack as some another poster experienced. Nonetheless....)
I understand how you are feeling. I don't understand Australian laws and it sounds as if they aren't very supportive for single moms in every arena.
I have been in my own self pity about the turn of events in my life, and when you turn 40 (I'm 42) you begin to look at your life and evaluate. How did I end up here? I wanted so much better for my life, for my family, etc. I, too, was making a lot of money years ago when my A and I were first together. Blame it on the downturn of the economy, poor planning and choices, or for me lack in self-confidence, I am now working a minimum wage job that I was doing back in high school. So I definitely understand the embarrassment. Especially when I see people I know and they say, you work here?!? Yeah, doesn't feel good. I keep telling myself, at least I'm not selling my body. Could be worse. But it could be better.
Right now, I'm leaning heavily on my HP to be able to pay the bills, and so far I have just enough. I hope you can find assistance and don't feel bad that others want to help, as long as there truly are no strings attached kind of thing. I think your mom really wants to help in her own way. You will make it. It's a hard road, but keep doing what you're doing.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
The most valuable thing I own Mel is my peace of mind. While I've crawled my way out of extreme poverty, I still live month to month, paycheck to paycheck and I know that losing any of my income means scaling back spending even more. Single motherhood, singlehood period seems to bring on many different prejudices; some women think I'm out to steal their man; some people think I'm a man-hater; some consider me a low-life because I don't dress a certain way; some men act like I should be grateful for their attention and jump at the chance to hop in the sack with them - comical it truly is!
The only comparing I do is when I compare my state of mind, my peace and serenity to where it was the first time I entered Al-Anon's doors - I've come a long way. You have too Mel - I know its hard and I'm sorry its hard - take what you want and leave the rest applies to life as well, enjoy the gracious grateful ladies on your route and dismiss the rest, you are doing a job and its an honest living. Just keep swimming.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
sorry to hear the therapy experience was off. It does happen, and its not cool at all. Awesome about the holiday! Dont stress about being forty. I know we do it, I've been doing it since I was a kid. Where will I be in x amount of years? Became what have I done in x amount of years? And honestly it does me no favours. You are you and I am me, and frankly I envy you the exercise of your paper run. Keep on keeping on. Alanon is a fantastic programme
there is a fantastic outpatient programme for US the codependents accross the ditch, but I think that's pretty rare. Like you said, there's heaps for the drinkers and druggies, not so much for the partners. Still, keep on keeping on my friend. In support.
I am glad you plan on trying a few more sessions, I tried my different counselors like I did al-anon I committed to 6 sessions and if I still didn't think it was a fit I asked for a different person. I too am on the system until I finish school and I have tried 3 different counselors until I found a good fit. It can be very disheartening when we compare ourselves to others, but remember you are getting stronger and doing a lot with your time. Being a single parent and going back to school while having a job is the hardest thing I have ever done! I know this too will be the most rewarding, I am raising my children to be respectful, good humans that realize paying back to this world is a big part of what is important to me. Working is mandatory for me to pay my bills as well, school will allow me to help people while making a decent income, so just like you I am headed up and out. I just turned 37 a couple weeks ago and I am finally coming into my own and figure by 40 I will be pretty wise for all the things I have learned in hard life lessons. You are growing through all this hardship and although it may not always feel like it, I know I can get down about things in the midst of it all, you are doing some really big things! Keep your head up and remember who you are! Sending you love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Monday 15th of June 2015 10:48:22 AM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks so much everyone.
I know this will pass and one foot in front of the other will eventually get me to where I need to be and hopefully an approximation of where i want to go
You know what struck me reading back over my words and your responses?
A year ago I lived in a pretty nice house in a very nice neighbourhood by the sea, and because I split the rent and bills with A, I had lots of money left over for niceties. Yet I was miserable and ALL I wanted was to find my independence and the motivation to finish my degree and start my life the way I want to start it!
Now I am doing without the niceties but I am doing exactly what I wanted to do, ploughing through the degree and building an independent life.
So I guess it's OK if it feels crappy a lot of the time. At least I am feeling crappy whilst being in motion! That's a lot better than being trapped in a nicely decorated prison cell. It's all good.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
(((missmeliss))) - positive thoughts and prayers still headed your way!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't know you personally, even though we have had many communications via this website, for all I really know you don't even exist! I say this because, for someone I don't know really exists, you have some of the most well-spoken (maybe well-written instead?) insights and ESH I have read from anyone. Your original posts are insightful and you seem to understand yourself well, and your ESH to others I think is very compassionate and also insightful. If that psychologist thinks you are stupid for being in Al Anon, then too bad for her, I'm going to guess you have more empathy in your big toe than she has in her entire degree!
Don't feel crappy about what she thinks. She's just another random human being who, unfortunately, the government thought should try to help you. Apparently she can't, or at least isn't willing to try. That's not about you, she owns it, it's her job.
And, as you said, you are doing what you want to do now. Freedom has a cost, but it's great to be able to go to bed at night knowing that you are making your own way, living your own plan as much as you can bending sometimes to life's terms.
