The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been awhile since I have logged in and for the most part I have been doing well. I had to stop internet for a bit so that I could pay some things. Which leads me to my resentfulness. My ex never paid for the lawyer for the divorce and gave me the run around. I had to wait 6 months in my new county and I filed here as soon as the 6 months were up which was in late December. I filed and he gave me a hard time about signing papers but after a few weeks he finally signed them. I made arrangements to pay lawyer in payments and just paid my last payment. He called me to complain about receiving a call from a debt collector on a debt "we" owed. I had already paid debts as I had consolidated it into one. At the end it was a debt he owed on a credit card he had taken out without me knowing while we were married. He then stated that he had used the card to pay for things for our home and that I am responsible for paying half as we were married then. I was at a loss for words. I just said I am not paying for a credit debt that you took out without telling me to buy booze and used to take your mistress out on dates with. If you would like to take it further we can dig up charges to the card and have a judge decide which charge I am half responsible for. Then I hung up. I am resentful because no matter what this man still thinks he can squeeze me out of money. I paid all our debts on a consolidation card. I paid for the lawyer for the divorce. I paid for rent, utilities, cars, ins, phone, etc in our home for all the years we were married. I felt like I had finally broken away from him and he comes up with this.
He has moved on a long time ago he lives with the young girl he is dating in her families home. I just wanted to break away from him for good and start my life again. I attempted dating early in the year. I think I may be ready to date again but I am not actively seeking it out. If it happens it happens. I know that whatever man I get involved with will have to accept that I am an Alanon member, that I have been hurt in the past both physically and emotionally. I was very broken and that flashbacks happen and that I am not perfect. Its okay to be alone and it is okay to be with a partner. It is just now I have to be picky and choose a man that is healthy. I also know that my age range of 40+ is difficult most people are set in their ways. I can just give up on love but it wouldn't be human of me to not feel. Alanon has given me the tools to look for red flags, to back off of a situation that is out of control, to let go of the need to control and let people decide for themselves. I am grateful to the program. I am better than I was but I will always be a work in progress.
I think your reactions, thoughts, and feelings make perfect sense. I can see your program at work in thr way you talk and in how you describe where you are at. Alanon doesn't promise no more problems or challenges, but it does offer better ways of handling them. You can hold your head up high and keep moving forward living life on spiritual principles. It would be impossible to not have some resentment at what you are describing. What I admire most is that you do not sound like a victim at all. Keep on truckin!
I don't think you sound "resentful" in a bad way. You sound like you remember so that you don't get caught in a manipulative web of lies from an alcoholic. You HAVE TO remember. That is self protective. I heard, "You can look back and remember. Just don't stare." You sound very healthy to me.
I appreciate the 'realness' of your post. I too think that where you are is perfectly fine! I can relate to thinking a chapter is closed and then having it reopen over petty things. It does stink, but you handled it as I would - facts and a firm response.
When I was 'sickest' I either caved or I raved. There wasn't much rationale thinking which I see in your response.
(((Hugs))) to you - the great news is this too shall pass....
Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
so timely .... Thank you