The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks Debbie .This informative message on Step 4 is a winner.
I know before program and learning how to stop blaming and judging others and to look within to examine myself and my motives, to see how I hurt myself by my attitudes, I would never have accepted, acknowledged or seen that I tried to manipulate and control by being kind and supportive and if others rejected my efforts I felt like a martyr and harbored resentments and self pity .
Having the courage to work this Step gave me the acceptance of myself as an "imperfect human being" like everyone else I found that I had many asset and a few destructive weapons that I had developed early in life that hurt me in my everyday life. Seeing this gave me the ability to be willing to shed the destructive tools and join the human race with self esteem and self worth. Working the 10th Step each night helped in the process.
Step 4 looked scary for me and my brain was in denial. In my denial, I was able to justify and rationalize many controlling and manipulating behaviors as helpful and loving.
Each time I said, "Yeah, but..." my sponsor suggested I go back and read/learn/study/pray about Step 3 - turning over my will and life to ...
In my crazy heart, I did not realize my actions, reactions and words were as harmful as they were. It took me a while to see that they were harmful, wrong and part of a pattern
that I would need to change if I wanted true serenity, peace and happiness.
The Ms are a great way to begin Step 4. Step 4 for me was the beginning of a true assessment of who I had become, how it had happened and how I wanted to change to be a better me.
Progress - Not Perfection and bringing HP to the table both assisting me in taking action on this Step!
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Debb for the great reminders. This is one I need to work on ongoing. I need to stay in constant 10 step to be sure I'm not falling back on undesirable behaviors.
__________________
I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I especially liked loosing the "Martyrdom" aspect of my personality! It helped me to be so much more happy and peaceful when I was not feeling so resentful and put upon.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Numbers 2, 3 and 4 were pretty easy for me to lose once I started to detach.
The martyr one was harder... and still is harder. For the most part I am happy and love my life. But then come those days that are gloomy and glum and my sadness about the whole situation starts moving me toward martyr. Those are the days that I have to be aware of what I am feeling and not to act or talk on my martyrdom. I do not like other people (or myself) who blame others for their situation, but...... sometimes it fits. I like to think if it is a momentary thing, it is just sadness talking. If it lasts for days, then it is martyrdom.
I was surprised to learn I lived the 4 ms for years. What me? The good one, the one that puts up with the craps and does everything on my own. Lol. Oh yeah, this was me. It's funny, these destructive behaviours left me when I became aware of them pretty quickly. I have in the past tried to tell a newbie about this. It hasn't gone down too well But if folks can see this in themselves then freedom from it is near. Love your recovery debb.x
Thanks Debb...your post is timely and relates closely to this mornings home group discussion on amends making, how to do it and how not to. The 4 M's early on kept me in justifying my character defects until I learned that no freedom from pain would come from it. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
