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So, with the help of his addiction counselor, my husband set a date for quitting drinking. It was last Friday. Since then, he has admitted to me that he had two beers on Sunday and one on Tuesday . I know that's not exactly encouraging, but considering how much he was drinking before, it may be a decent start towards recovery. Plus, he joined a ten week intensive outpatient group this week that he genuinely seems to like.
He's experienced some shaking and a lot of sweating, both of which I was told were common withdrawl symptoms. He was supposed to go to a nurse practicioner this past Wednesday to get some medication to help with the physical withdrawls. He cancelled the appointment, telling me he was too busy and he's doing much better and didn't need the medication. I told him that I thought he should go to the appointment because I thought the meds would really help, but then I let it go. It is his recovery, afterall.
I've got family (aunt, uncle, cousins) in town until Monday. I see them every few years or so. Because of my work and all of the activities they're cramming in while they're here, I really haven't been able to spend much time with them. They invited me to an adults only event for tomorrow night (Saturday). It's probably the last chance I'll get to see them.
I asked my husband if he can watch our baby tomorrow morning while I work and tomorrow evening so I can visit with my family. There will be alcohol served at the event, so he wouldn't be attending, anyway. He said no because he's worried that he'll have bad physical withdrawl symtoms while he's alone with our son. So, last minute, I had to get my dad to watch the baby while I work and I can't visit with my family at all. My parents, who usually babysit for us, will be at the adults only event with my family. I don't have a back-up sitter.
I understand his fears about some bad withdrawl symptoms popping up while he's watching our son. I really do. And I would never risk leaving my son with someone whose physical health is that questionable. But I can't help but be really frustrated with him for canceling that appointment if that's the case. He told me he doesn't need medication, yet his withdrawl symptoms are bad enough that he can't watch our son for two hours while I visit with family I rarely get to see? He's contradicting himself big time and if the tables were turned, he'd be having a huge fit right about now. I guess I just wish he would see that when he makes these kind of bad decisions, it doesn't just negatively effect him.
Also, I feel like I'm not supposed to give my two cents about how he chooses to recover, but what am I supposed to do when his ill-advised recovery choices negatively effect me and our son? His choosing to skip out on that medication appointment and then claiming he's scared of the withdrawls has made me feel tethered to him, like I can't leave him alone in case of palpitations, seizures, etc. Not only that, but I feel like he's just setting himself up for a relapse. Why can't he just follow all of the counselor's advice? It's like he thinks his tactics will work better than those of the professionals.
Anyway, I am glad that he's trying and all, even if his methods are questionable. Hopefully, this is the start of a new chapter for us.
I would like to say that it is wonderful your husband is getting help! The contradictions he is expressing are all part of the recovery process, as well as his partial compliance with those professionals he is working with. It is a very rocky road that an alcoholic travels, while they are in the mist of drinking and recovery, simply because alcholism is a chronic disease that lasts a life time.
The chaos does not go away immediately, if anything is may be worse because of the withdrawal and if there is a relapse then there will be alot of remorse and anger.
DETACH with love and empathy and let him plan his own course and recovery. You must DETACH for your own serenity and peace, for the sake of you and your son. Have you joined an Al-Anon group in your vicinity? Making that connection with folks that are experiencing the same things you are, and joining this forum, MIP, will help you alot. Al-Anon's 12 step program, MIP and my HP have literally saved my sanity and given my life back! Wishing you both sucess and hope you come back and chat with all of us as much as you would like!
Hey Smiley - Glad you are here and glad you posted.
Everything Debb says above me is spot on. It's a bit uncomfortable at first to 'mind our own business' and 'stay in our own hula-hoop', but is necessary for our peace of mind.....I live with my AH and have 2 A sons and if I don't detach and live my life, I am quickly sucked into theirs.
It happens when I let my guard down and then I am miserable!
Keep coming back and do what you can for you and your son. (((Hugs))) to you all as you embrace recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Alcoholics are extremely willful and part of true recovery means turning one's will over to a higher power (or many higher powers). Typically, we refer to a higher power as a spiritual one, but I know for me, I was resistant to ALL powers higher than myself. I didn't want to listen or admit anyone knew better than me in my drinking. I only started recovering after I was willing to admit I didn't know squat about recovery and that I needed to learn it in AA. Withdrawal only lasts about a week typically. After that, he's dealing with cravings if he has them... That sweating and shaking is usually done by 6 days or so.
Smiley, I do think alanon will help because, even after some time in recovery, Alcoholics are pretty bullheaded and stubborn. We cling to dysfunctional ways of doing things that would not make sense to others and do so until it becomes painfully obvious that change is needed. I suppose this occurs in others as well...folks in alanon probably too. I just know that detachment is a necessary tool for dealing with an alcoholic in recovery and/or an active one.
A person new to recovery has to learn to be functional all over again after years and years of self-sabotage and self-medicating. As a grown person trying to figure out how to handle things I should have learned in my late teens or early twenties, I would often feel embarrassed and just "act" like I knew what I was doing. This was frustrating for my parents and other loved ones who had to watch me make mistakes. I can only imagine. Plus, I was on who did stay the course in recovery. I imagine if I didn't, it would be worse and detachment would be even more necessary.
Prayers for you and your husband. You have a sick person on your hands. It may help to remember that. I'm not making excuses for him, but he does have a disease which has elements of busted thinking and he is SUPER early on in this recovery, if you can even call it that. I might not want to leave a young child alone with a person at that stage anyhow.
If you find yourself getting angry at the insanity...going "WHY!!!??? WHY does he do that?" Well...the answer is usually pretty simple. Because he's an alcoholic. So next focus on why you are asking the question in the first place when you know the answer and what you are going to do about it.
. I know that's not exactly encouraging, but considering how much he was drinking before, it may be a decent start towards recovery. Plus, he joined a ten week intensive outpatient group this week that he genuinely seems to like.