The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
four days back into the program and i already see many changes and, though i'm even hesitant to admit it, gifts.
i'd noticed for a few days that while my hard-to-define-friend-sort-of-significant-other-who-is-healthy-and-so-accepting has been giving me a ton of space recently, that i was plagued with guilt every time i saw his little icon in my phone. at first i applied the program by accepting that i felt guilt and not letting myself get too far down the rabbit hole in figuring out "why?"
today i was able to gain the strength and clarity to face that guilt, and i realized it's because i wasn't being upfront about my need to cease contact. he's amazing - he embodies so many qualities and has never asked me to be anything other than i am. i've been very honest with him about who i am, to the best of my abilities, and he's accepted me so lovingly. i've never met anyone like him and i have an immense appreciation and respect for the being he is. that said, he became - like all of my relationships - my HP, in a sense. "what would he do? what would he think? what would he say?" became my gauge. i always seem to do this. i got to a place where i admitted to myself that i just couldn't "fix" that in the speed that i wanted. he is an obsession i don't know how to let go of, so i let him go. he provides a great challenge with my people pleasing - but i can't do it. i mean... i can't. god knows i tried and now i am trying to accept my limitations, and i realize he's not the last ever opportunity to face this defect.
i let him know via text - a mode of communication that is useful for me for the sake of parsing out what true statements are instead of reacting, one he accepts - and he has not yet responded, though i am extremely confident he will be loving, understanding, and accepting.
i feel so heartbroken, i do. i feel so sad, disappointed. i feel badly that i couldn't give him what he deserved, even though he never asked for more. and confused, that i put demands on myself to give him so much more when he hasn't asked. and doubtful. but i'd rather be in this pain, opening up, braving honesty and different perspectives than back in the denial and anxiety.
sigh. i seldom feel like i have any idea what i'm doing.
Sounds like progress Madison. I've heard it said around the rooms of Alanon... People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime and it's up to us to figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. The whole poem is actually quite nice too.
Madison -
"....but i'd rather be in this pain, opening up, braving honesty and different perspectives than back in the denial and anxiety."
Growing pains :) ((((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Sounds to me like you are a very honest person. I think that is a wonderful human quality, you should be proud. Welcome to MIP, keep coming back to chat with us.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hey madison - thanks for the post and for sharing your ESH. I tend to struggle when anything changes, and when a relationship of any kind ends, it's an event that I gotta go thru and process.
I think it is healthy to be sad and confused....and agree with those above me - growing pains and just part of the process.
Saw you for a minute in the meeting tonight - gr8 to see you again over yonder.
(((Hugs))) to you for continued growth!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
