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My AH is on another bender. Things seemed rather under control until Tuesday night after I went to bed and then he drank himself silly. He turned on the front house lights and started banging around outside at 11:30 PM or so. I was in and out of sleep, with the light shining through our window. Finally at 1:30 I realized it was quiet and found him passed out in a chair on the front porch. Something told me (and I believe it was from my Al-Anon readings) to leave him there. He didn't look very comfortable, but he was safe. He came in around 2 and drank the rest of the bottle of whatever he was drinking and then went to bed around 4.
Last night he had drank before I got home at 4:30 PM and never stopped. I heard him in front of our house with some of our alcoholic neighbors. I put in a movie and hung out in the bedroom. Once the movie was over around 9:30 I realized the neighbors had all gone home. I went to look for him and he was no where to be found. I finally found him passed out sprawled on the back steps to the lawn. We live in a community without fences so he was in full view of the neighbors if the light was on and he was snoring to high heaven! Again, once I found him and shook my head, I left him where he lay. He had left the water on (I guess he had decided to water the lawn, a big NO-NO in our area of California) so I turned it off and went to bed. I saw our neighbor out looking at him and I am pretty sure he saw me, but I left him out there anyway. I felt like a witch for leaving him, but I thought it had to be the consequence of his actions and I was done swooping in. He woke up at some point, opened a new bottle of wine and came to bed around 3.
All of this is keeping me awake or lightly sleeping and I have to be up at 5. I have a high stress job in the technology field where I have to have all my brain cells about me. I really am an 8 hour girl, and getting woke up all night makes me CRAZY!!
So now he calls me at work and he is acting like everything is peachy. He asks me how I am and I say okay, and I ask him how he is and he says "great!". So we pretend like nothing has been going on the last two days? Slide it all under the rug? This is what brought me to Al-Anon to begin with. The crazy game...
I have Al-Anon this evening and won't be home until around 7:30. If my hunch is correct and this is a true bender, he will be drunk again when I get home. And it will go on and on until he is sick and he blames it on his allergies or something else that is NOT drinking.
I don't want to get all up in his business anymore, I know it doesn't help, but to say nothing seems like an untruth for me. I know this is not the place for advice, but I would like to know what if anything is appropriate to say once he is sober again. He is not usually a mean drunk, he actually would prefer it if I partied the night away with him and he never leaves home to drink. Part of me thinks I should be thankful for that, but I am not. I am tired of seeing the smelly, cross-eyed, slurring, idiotic guy. I want the strong, capable, intelligent guy. I am tired of being embarrassed by his loud mouth and stupid behavior. I hate that I am sure he drives around our gated community drunk. It stresses me out and it is hard to find peace, even though I know he is safe at home.
I pray each and every morning that for the period of time he has clear thinking, God would work with him to help him come to some realizations about his drinking.
But I am aching to say something to him and I am not even sure what it would be. 3 months of Al-Anon is helping, but I am feeling like such a baby right now.
Thanks for listening to the rant...
Beth
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
And..... what would you say? Would he hear you? Would you be knocking your head against the wall? Usually, for most alcoholics, a nagging wife does not constitute a "bottom" for changing their life. They usually need something else. Nobody but them can say what that is.
You are not acting like nothing has happened. It did happen. You are processing it. You are going to bed and getting a night's sleep so you can go to work in the morning so very, very early. Keep on taking care of yourself. You need it! ((((HUGS))))
To me, this is a way of working detachment. You aren't responsible for his behavior and not reacting to it directly with him can be a way of keeping your sanity, maintaining some sleep hours and retaining your job. Why engage? Interacting with him in a non-negative manner doesn't mean you think highly of his behavior. To me it's a method of self preservation. The most important person to know what you think is you. Recovery time and experience are on your side. You can continue to make the choices that best honor and support your wellness. Journalling sometimes helps me to release those words I'd like to say to someone else. I hope you do something loving and nurturing for yourself today. You're not a baby, Beth but the disease of alcoholism can be like an attention seeking infant even when they're snoring in their crib on the backyard steps Hope you get some good sleep tonight. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
You actually sound mature and aware. Nothing like a baby. I could see saying something if it is am expression of your boundaries and not as a way to control him. Alcoholics don't need to be spared the truth. Saying something over and over is when it gets to be nagging and controling. If you have to say something to be authentic to you, say what you mean, don't say it mean, then let it go.
It actually sounds to me as if you are handling it remarkably well.
I don't really read a lot of pretending. He knows he's drinking. You know he's drinking. He knows you know he's drinking.
I hope you can find some peace so that you won't feel like you are pretending anymore.
I've found that if I don't say anything my AW seems to realize for fleeting moments that she's being a jerk, where as if I say something then I'm the jerk so...
And if I'm a neighbor and I see you leaving your too-drunk-too-often husband where he falls, I'm thinking you're a wise woman, not a witch.
I think you're doing GREAT! His choices, right? You are not his mother. Hurray for your strength and self-possession.
I remember once my AW was on a tear (not drinking, but still acting like it) and I was in bed trying to sleep and she started yelling at me, swearing, calling me names, and then turned the TV on full blast, just to be aggressive. I still don't know if what I did was right -- I just lay there in bed and didn't say or do anything. I kept thinking, "What should I do? What should I do?" I knew on some level if I took any of the bait it would get worse. I guess looking back, if I had some of the recent tools I have acquired, I would have just left and stayed gone.
It is so hard to know what to do in the middle of a situation like that. I think it is amazing that you made the decisions that you did, under the pressure of past "training" and the possibly watchful eyes of the neighbors.
I'm really proud of you.
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
I too am proud of your actions (or not...) based on your current situation. I also don't think you sound like a baby - you are tired, worried and working really hard to stay detached and not get sucked into the tornado of doom!
I thank you too for sharing. ESH is awesome all the time but when I get to 'see' someone in the fire-pit handling it with grace and dignity, it gives me hope that I could do 'that' as well as you are.
I am a horrible sleeper so if I function reasonably well on 5-6 hours. When there is interruptions that stress me out (vs. having to go down the hall), it makes for a very hard next day. I have a few 'rescue friends' who I can have sleep-overs with if/as needed. When I have done this, I've gone early enough so we can have a meal or watch a movie, etc. This has been a wonderful tool in my tool-box.....when my boys were smaller, we all went - a couple of my friends have same-age kids. Now that they are adults, it's a bit easier to just 'disappear'...
I have communicated at times and other times just gone. When the active A is in the zone, he's actually not even noticed me gone....while outsiders would find this horrid, I am sure others here can relate.
Keep taking care of you and leave the rest up to HP. When these events are happening around me, the Serenity Prayer is my perpetual mantra.....when I get horizontal, it's like counting sheep for me...
(((Hugs))) - it will be OK and we're here for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Bethany-
I, like you, have not been confrontational on my AW's drinking.
But I also struggle with being authentic, too. I am trying so hard to detach,
Because then I'm not having an all out argument at 1 AM which goes on and on until 4.
I've been on that end, and I have to say this detachment way is much more peaceful.
I do go back and forth like you are doing now. A couple years ago when the drinking was getting heavy,
I told her I thought she was drinking too much. She was drunk at the time and got very defensive and said hateful things.
Then the next day she thanked me for telling her and that she needed someone to keep her accountable.
But all she did was hide the bottles better. It was a guilt thing, and that tape plays back to me again and again.
But really, no matter what I say, she won't stop. So I tell myself that instead of afeeling guilty.
We used to drink together, until her drinking (when she was fun) her demeanor started to change.
I don't drink anymore, and I don't around her. This is a maddening disease.
I like the tools everyone shared. I think it's great advice. I could not function at work without my 8 hours.
Hugs and please take a nap when you can.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
You have some awesome non-enabling going on. I can so identify with how infuriating it is to be continuing as if nothing happened.
Here's how I came to understand it. I tried saying nothing, and of course he went blithely on as if everything was hunky-dory. I also tried saying what I felt, gently or not so gently, and it led to defensiveness and denial and arguments, never to understanding.
I came to realize that was he was ultimately watching was what I did, not what I said. Did I stay with him? That implied that no matter what I yammered on about, ultimately I'd rather stay with him, even when he was drinking, than not. It said that I could put up with the drinking, and all I'd do was nag him about it some. He's good at having things go in one ear and out the other, and people get on his case and he just ignores it. So he just wrote off my nagging as "the cost of doing business."
But really, since I was staying around, he figured that he could get away with the drinking. I guess he was right.
So my understanding is that we speak by our actions, not by our words. Your actions (not rescuing him from the lawn, etc.) are starting to tell him that you won't save him from the natural consequences of his drinking. If it's even less acceptable to you, your actions will reflect it.
I'm impressed that you resisted the urge to photograph him, and send him the image in a text the following day while he is at work, explaining "This is what the neighbor saw, I am glad you were still wearing pants".
Well after reading this then I practiced detachment very well when I lived with ex-A. This was exactly how I behaved. I didn't say much and would process my feelings. I really am beginning to realize the amends I owe is to myself. I made myself out to be way worse than I was and I discounted my needs.
It really use to bother me when I could not sleep either so if he was up and down. I would sleep in the other room. When he asked why? I just said I need sleep and him being up and down bothered me.
I think you are doing great. You are still taking care of you
Thank you all so much for all your replies. My meeting last night was like a balm to my soul and I came home refreshed and renewed. There is so much love, understanding, compassion and concern from those who have experience with these situations. My family doesn't understand and gives advice that with only a few months of program under my belt, I know is futile. But the words you share with me are words of experience and program and that to me is invaluable. Each of you are a blessing to me.
I think the non-verbal had some affect as we didn't have a repeat performance last night. His back was probably a little sore from sleeping it off on the steps!! I have no expectations right now that he will be drinking or not on any given day and somehow that is a relief to me. I was able to be genuinely nice to him and remain detached. I am learning so much in this journey. And there is so much still to learn.
Thank you all for being a part of my journey to sanity!!
Beth
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Well, it is not like you would have posted his picture on Facebook or anything. He would have been the only one to see it.
My experience with Alcoholics is that they have feelings that are screwed up when they are drunk. Yet, the next day when they are no longer drunk, they are unable to divorce themselves from those ridiculous screwed up feelings.
That is some good detaching. Giving him the full consequences of his own actions as they belong only to him. Remember, you have done nothing wrong, dont feel ashamed or embarrassed if you can help it, you done the right thing. This is really loving. Maybe, you will reach the point where you can set healthy boundaries for yourself. Him keeping you awake is not acceptable. I found this to be intolerable and builds resentment. It might be that you get yourself a plan B, whether thats telling him to drink somewhere else while hes on his benders and dont let him in or whether its you leave when he gets like this. Im not sure if this is possible. I think acting like nothing is wrong is pretence. Its okay to express yourself. Its usless chastising him or trying to get him to change in any way but you can have some standards. Getting enough sleep is a basic that is needed for our own life and its okay setting boundaries that get your needs met.
For me, I set boundaries and eventually it came to the crunch that I could no longer live with the disease. Now I have peace, thanks alanon and higher power for that. Keep up the good work, it keeps getting better and better, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 12th of June 2015 02:00:56 PM
Hope you get some good sleep tonight. ((hugs))) TT
