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I am taking our girls for a two week trip while my husband works overtime. He has a drinking problem and is dealing with it by not drinking. A few weeks ago he was three days short of two months without alcohol. I was so proud of him for going such a long stretch and then I felt so upset that it came to an end. He is not working a program and is not enrolled in therapy. When I asked him what his plan was, he responded that he wouldn't drink while he is working overtime and while I am away. I know I don't have any control of the situation but it's so hard not worry. All I can do is tell him that I love him. It makes me feel like I am not doing enough. He did so well and then self sabotaged. It's hard to imagine our life without him drinking. I don't know how to stop worrying. I don't know how to trust him. It feels like there is a hole in our marriage.
I wouldn't trust any alcoholic to not drink that has no program. Keep expectations low. I do not like to always come off sounding harsh, but it's factual that, even with a program of recovery, most folks don't stay sober. When they just try and "go on the wagon" failure rate is like 99 percent I think. So I would try not to be depressed about it...but just accept it is unlikely he will stay sober with no program.
I had to pass through a long phase of trying to stay sober on my own and failing before finally accepting that I needed AA and then actually following that up with going. To top that off, I was one of the rare folks that sticks around AA for the long term.
Acceptance of what is helps to stop worrying. Focusing on what the alcoholic does instead of what they say helps because their promises mean nothing. They do not mean to lie. They are just in denial and are not ready to admit that the disease owns them.
When you to alanon, you learn to better focus your energies on things that you can control and let go of things you cannot (such as your husband's alcoholism and his refusal to attend an actual recovery program). You will find a way through the tools offered, readings, sponsorship in Alanon to be at peace regardless of him and his disease. Sometimes this means an end of a relationship, but not always. Take it one day at a time and take your worries to alanon rather than to your alcoholic.
You are For Sure in the Right Place for Healing, Growing, and Learning just what this Disease is all about ;) So WELCOME...
When I First Got here I to was All those things... Including an Alcoholic :/ I Started Al-Anon in 08 because I Just Lost My Afather to this Disease & I Was Struggling Uncontrollable at times... and after being here just short of 2yrs I Decided to GET SOBER :) Now I'm Not going to say any of it was Easy, and I Did Not Go to AA, I Continued My Journey IN The Walls of Al-Anon... Today I'm Getting Close to 5 yrs Sober in Oct :) BUT... Like Pinkchip Mentioned about AA... I Could Not have Done it On My Own... My AL-Anon Family Wrapped me in Such Love and Care they all Gave me the Courage and Strength to go at it One day at a Time...
This Program is Solely For YOU ;) Your Recovery, from Living with the Alcoholic... I Truly believe there is More Healing here then Anywhere Else I have Searched for it, So I Truly Hope that you KEEP COMING BACK... The More you Share the More you will see Nothing you Say someone here hasn't been thru something Similar and that's the Blessing in it all.. You NOT Alone...
If there is a Face to Face Al-Anon Meeting in Your Area, Check it Out... I have two I Go to Weekly, and if Our Little Town Had More I would Go MORE...lol Just because it so Much Helps me in My Day to Day Life Dealing with All My Alcoholics in my Life... I Have A Very Long Family History, as Many Here do ...
Do your Best to Make your Trip an Enjoyable one, that's what Trips are For, No Stress, and Letting Go of what we left behind even if just for a Few days or weeks ;) Your Husband I'm Sure can take care of himself just fine... So ENJOY your Time with your Kids Undistracted from your Normal everyday... And Know.. We are all here in Support of YOUR Recovery ;)
Please Take what You Like and Leave the Rest...
Friends in Recovery
Here's a simple yet practical tool that I got from hotrod (one of my personal heroes here).
I was complaining about looping my tape of all the rotten things that have happened or haven't happened (stored resentment) and she suggested that when I catch myself doing it I simply replace that tape with an al-anon slogan, preferably one pertinent to the concern, but it doesn't really matter, it's merely a practical and effective way to replace negative imagery and self-talk with positivity.
I'm still working on making it an automatic response, but if you can catch yourself worrying, give it a try. It works.
I wrote the "al-anon scale" on another post the other day to try to help someone trying to come to terms with how having a relationship with an alcoholic makes you sick. It's really goofy, but I've been singing it to myself simply because its to the tune of "doe, a deer" from sound of music, and it's an ear worm. Anything you can do to keep al-anon tools and principles in the front of your consciousness as opposed to the back...
D'oh! a beer! a stinkin' beer!
Hey! I better get some help!
Me! the one who's suffering!
Fog! I can't see past myself!
So, I better learn some skills!
Love myself so I can grow!
Team with folks that have strong wills
and I'll never go back to D'oh, D'oh, D'oh, D'oh...
I hope you and your girls enjoy your trip. Our Alanon Preamble reminds us that we "can be happy" whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. It can take lots of deep breaths and letting go to stay in the moment and not project the worst. Your husband will do whatever he will do.
From my recovery experience it made no difference whether I was around or not if my exah wanted to drink or use drugs. Yes, he didn't necessarily do it in front of me but the result was the same. My presence wasn't more powerful than his addiction to use. He used. If he had chosen to keep sober, it surely wouldn't have been because anything I said or anything I did. It would have been because he had made a connection with a power beyond his own human frailty as well as mine which was now guiding him.
I think alcoholics and their ability to recover are as different from one another as we Alanons are. We may see similiarities between ourselves and others but ultimately it's a journey between onesself and their higher power not between a wife and husband, child and parent or the comparison of one alcoholic's recovery or alanon's recovery to another person's in the program. To my family's surprise, my dad got sober and stayed sober the last fifteen or so years of his life with no program at all. Who knows... hp.
Alanon meetings have helped me when I'm travelling and something is weighing heavy on my heart. The meetings at least temporarily restore my spirit and keep the dark cloud of alcoholism at bay. Prayer helps too for me. You and your girls deserve the nicest time you can have with one another.
There's always hope out there for your husband, always.
All any of us can do is take things a day at a time. ((((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
When he was still drinking and I went away with the 4 daughters, I would try to have as little contact with him as I thought I could get away with. He only managed to drag down my mood because I always could tell that he was drinking and well on his way to passing out. I could have fun with the kids if I concentrated on the kids.
Go! Have fun! You deserve it! When you get home look into AlAnon in your area. Come to this web site too for your own mental health.
What maryjane said is also my strategy when my boys were younger. If I stayed in the moment, and focused on having a good time with my kids, it gave me some peace of mind.
I am also a double-winner (AA & Alanon). Since addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive - it takes control. The disease makes the active person selfish, self-centered and in complete denial of most that occurs around them. I have the mantra of, "I Love my A, I Hate this Disease."
I would not be where I am had I tried to do it alone. It is in the programs that we learn to live in the present, not the past and not the future. It is through the steps and self-inventory that we identify, recognize and own our defects. Once we own them, we have the ability to begin to change - with a HP of our choosing.
Recovery is not easy but it is worth it. Neither of my kids has known their father sober, and that's a shame. The disease has robbed me of the person I met and fell in love with - a kind, gentle, loving, un-selfish man and given me a completely different person. I know now (they are 23 and 21 with their own A issues) that all my efforts to protect them, shield them and cover for HIM were pointless and they resent me for it. I wish I had found Alanon much sooner - for all of us. They deserve better than they got - an A father and a CRAZY mother.
Turn your AH over to your HP and enjoy your children! They grow up so fast - you never get these times back! And - he is going to do whatever he chooses to do - it's the disease that's in charge right now...
Love yourself enough to keep coming back! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
