The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the last 4 years, ever since I met my A I've been hoping and hoping he'd get better. We got engaged almost 2 years ago and I just kept putting it off telling him that it wouldn't happen until he got better. 2 weeks ago I left the country as a last ditch effort to make him see that he needs help. And as of today he's now 10 days sober.
I was well aware of the toll his drinking was taking on me but I didn't expect his recovery to affect me like this. I feel devastated that I'm not closer to support him right now. I'm scared of what recovery will mean for me if we try to make things work again. Will I walk on eggshells forever, should I embrace sober living now though I've never so much as over-eaten, let alone abused any chemicals? It hurts that while he can call me from rehab when he feels weak, I don't have the same privilege to lean on him when I'm afraid, because I have to be strong. I'm totally blown away that the one thing I've wanted for so long is now so scary now that it's happening. Am I a monster for being afraid of his sobriety? For hoping that his counselor will teach responsible abstentia? I've seen how sobriety has changed once kind family members into pious jerks who shame others for having a Dr Pepper. Is that the life I'm in for? because his drinking made me feel afraid to leave him alone and go see friends less he escalate because of anxiety I don't have a support system other than him, and I feel like he can't be a support to me now at all.
I feel like the worst person for feeling all these things. I feel so lost.
That's a nice phrase isn't it? "Welcome Recovery".
I'm glad you found this board, because it sounds like it was made for you. I am relatively new here and I've found hope that I thought was gone forever. In my short time with al-anon, I've found more caring, knowledgeable, experienced and non-judgmental people than I've ever known.
Al-anon can provide you with tools and skills to help you navigate the road ahead and lead you to answers to all of your questions that work for you.
I can only answer 2 of them right now:
1. You are NOT a monster! Living with the effects of alcoholism will make anyone question their motives, actions, reactions and perceptions. It's a cunning and extremely destructive disease.
2. With Al-anon's help, you will only walk on eggshells if that is your choice. Working the program, and learning from the many people who have been exactly where you are now will help you restore confidence in your decisions, and firmness in your limits and boundaries.
There are Face-to-Face meetings in most communities, phone meetings, online meetings on this site, and of course, this board which I find to be a very warm and welcoming group of people.
I hope you can find a combination of al-anon tools that will help you. And please keep checking back here. There are people here that can answer just about any question you have about the program and there is a wealth of experience in the posts covering a wide range of topics.
Welcome OhCanadia - so glad you are here and have found MIP.
Most of us have been where you are and I wanted you to know you are not alone...
This forum is a wealth of information and ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) relative to surviving and thriving in spite of the disease of Alcoholism. This disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. While we may or may not have an issue with substance abuse, it is a family disease that spreads way further than the one who is active in the disease or in recovery.
Alanon teaches us how to find peace and serenity in spite of what is going on around us. Alanon teaches us how to focus on ourselves and be the best we can be. It also teaches the three C(s) - We didn't cause it, We can't control it and We can't cure it.
F2F (Face to Face) meetings are very helpful as it gives you a local network of program friends for fast support when things are tough. The program stresses the use of a sponsor, who is someone that is experienced and has walked the path prior to you. A sponsor is a great resource for moving forward.
If you can't get to F2F meetings for any reason at this time, MIP (this board) offers meetings twice a day most days - you can look to the top left for the schedule.
We are glad you are here. Try to not stress to much for now and just take the day one moment at a time!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome OhCanadia! Glad to have you here with us. Alcoholism effects everyone is comes into contact with. Some woarse than others. That means it effect how WE think, feel and act. It's a FEAR based diesase with a FAITH based solution. The suggestions above are spot on. Your A is now in recovery and you're full of fear. It's time you work on you and figure out how Alcoholism has effected you.
Hugs to you, face to face meetings will help
Address your issues if you go with an open
mind. You do not need to speak only listen
And Absorb the wisdom. It is a program for
Us to heal in and make our life better in spite
Of the alcoholic. It is a me program :)
One thing that's reassuring is that you have plenty of time. You don't have to feel different right away, or make big decisions right away, or conclude how it's going to be right away. If he stays in recovery (I should add the sad statistic that less than 25% do - but 25% is still a whole lot of people) - it will develop and change and he won't be steady right away. It takes people one or two years into recovery before they really start being who they're going to be longterm. So you have plenty of time to wait and make your own life good and see what kind of person he turns out to be. These initial weeks aren't how it will end up. And how it will end up, whatever it is, will be clearer and much less confusing than these tumultuous early weeks.
I'm sure you're right not to jump back in when everything is emotional and uncertain - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, and let things shake out as they will. Hugs!
When I was with my alcoholic boyfriend I did the same, didn't look for marriage until he got sober. I felt a strong desire to help and the helpless feeling that comes with that for me was an addiction. This choice, not to marry, didn't make it any less painful when we broke up- I felt like a failure because I couldn't get the end result I hoped for.
Really it had nothing to do with me. A better result would have come from me focusing on my career, family, health goals hobbies- and left his sobriety to him. That kind of loving detachment- what alcoholics need to recover was impossible for me. Some find it possible with guidance from Al anon. Some decide to leave the situation. Some do not make any decisions about staying or leaving- and just learn how to cope.
The phrase you didn't cause it, you can not control it and you can not cure it helped me.
Making a gratitude list helps me almost immediately. Every tiny and big thing in my life I'm thankful for- my pets, my car, my health, my favorite T shirt- if you keep that up some of the frustration does lift.
Here we know how you feel because most of us have the same feelings. In person al anon meetings in your community can will offer more answers- this group in person support meeting felt odd to me at first- I am so thankful I gave it several tries- ultimately tried several different groups till I found one I felt comfortable with but we try to place principal above personalities- you'll be surprised life circumstances are different for all of us but this thing of alcoholism.. the pain frustration, it's all so similar. Teachers doctors or fast food workers or students.. all share very similar life experiences. YOU are NOT ALONE!!
Here we try to encourage each other and I wish I could wipe away your pain and frustration. No one else can but some can offer their Experience, Strength and Hope, we call it ESH for short.
So IF like me deep down your real question is how do I find peace in my life and my relationships I would say find in person meetings. for me it was like learning any new skill- it did not happen overnight but I was encouraged immediately (and I'm a work in progress not "healed" or perfect by any means!!! ) but it's sooo worth it!
Keep coming back, you'll find you can post your feelings and not be judged!! You'll find so many who know how you feel.
-- Edited by glad on Thursday 11th of June 2015 12:23:22 PM
-- Edited by glad on Thursday 11th of June 2015 12:43:13 PM
-- Edited by glad on Thursday 11th of June 2015 12:45:36 PM
