The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone. I am new to the forums but not new to alcoholism. My husband has been an alcoholic throughout our whole 16 year marriage. 8 Weeks ago he decided that he had had enough and checked himself into a treatment facility. I was so happy that finally things would get better for him,for us and for our family. He did very well during treatment and that made me even more excited for our future. Things went very well while he was in but now he is home and I find that although he no longer drinking...he still has the same alcoholic behaviors. The self centeredness,the emotional detachment,the anger, and all that goes along with this disease. I am trying to be patient as I know that he is in a transition stage from the rehab back into the real world but its really hard when he has me in tears every day and I cant seem to do or say anything right for him. So I guess my question is...does it ever get better? Will I have to learn to live with these behaviors forever? How do I hlep him through recovery? How do I help myself?( I have been attending face to face alanon meetings for several weeks but have not had the courage to speak at them.)
If he goes to AA and develops and works a program, he could get better. If he doesn't, he will probably stay a miserable dry drunk and will likely relapse. Blunt but that has been my observation and experience. If you go to alanon and develop and work a program, you could get better regardless of what he does.
Welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and shared your story!
I also applaud you for getting to the F2F meetings. So glad that you've found the courage to attend even if you've not yet shared - that's perfectly fine - when it's time and if you want, you will share.
I encourage you to get some phone numbers from those meetings for local support. Maybe try to find a sponsor who can help guide you through the steps and the emotions/fears that we have as we embark on this journey.
Keep posting here too, and you will get support and at times suggestions. My best suggestion for you is to detach as best you can and try to remember that the disease is still 'there' - it's just arrested for now. If you keep working on you, and embrace the Alanon program, the steps, etc. my hope is you will have relief faster than you think.
You are not alone and it's OK to be where you are at the moment. Try to be gentle with yourself and do something good just for you, you deserve it!
This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It is also progressive. Alanon helps you be able to live happily and serenely in spite of what is going on around you.
(((Hugs))) to you and keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Tracy Yes it does get better. Letting go of expectations and accepting reality was a huge one for me.
Keep attending alanon meetings, pick up some constructive tools: like getting a sponsor, keeping the focus on yourself and your needs, living one day at a time, making gratitude and asset lists and working the steps.
Recovery is a process for everyone so that if you keep showing up you will develop new tools to respond in a constructive manner to the insanity of the world and find serenity in the process.
There is Hope and you are not alone
I also struggle with a husband and son who both use. One drinks and drugs and the other abuses sleeping pills. I struggle because I see what is going on but they say I'm the crazy one. So just lately I have started to read the language of letting go. It has really helped. I've become so angry with them. I am almost to the point of hating them both. I just wished they'd leave me alone. I also thought of moving away to get away from them. This is really hard. I'm so mad at my husband because all he ever worries about is hios stuff. more like junk I think. My stuff get ruined well well just get another one. Yeah and who's gonna pay for it. I'm really thinking about a divorce. I told him I would turn my cell phone over to his name and he says well put the dish in your name. I hate him. I'm furious because everything I have worked so hard for is being destroyed. But when it comes to his stuff cover it with extra stuff and put it in a safe place. Thanks for listening. bln
The program will work if you let it. Ask your husband if he's realised yet that it's the first drink that makes you drunk. If he says he knows then make a plan together to dedicate your lives to working this program on a daily basis. There's no better insurance than that, otherwise the choice in life is quite grim. Even if your husband stays a dry drunk though you can do this for yourself.
it would be better together but it's such a serious matter that you have to face it, if he won't you still can be set free with the help of the God of your understanding and good spiritual friends. Keep coming back it works.
Hi everyone. I am new to the forums but not new to alcoholism. My husband has been an alcoholic throughout our whole 16 year marriage. 8 Weeks ago he decided that he had had enough and checked himself into a treatment facility. I was so happy that finally things would get better for him,for us and for our family. He did very well during treatment and that made me even more excited for our future. Things went very well while he was in but now he is home and I find that although he no longer drinking...he still has the same alcoholic behaviors. The self centeredness,the emotional detachment,the anger, and all that goes along with this disease. I am trying to be patient as I know that he is in a transition stage from the rehab back into the real world but its really hard when he has me in tears every day and I cant seem to do or say anything right for him. So I guess my question is...does it ever get better? Will I have to learn to live with these behaviors forever? How do I hlep him through recovery? How do I help myself?( I have been attending face to face alanon meetings for several weeks but have not had the courage to speak at them.)
Hi Tracy. Welcome to the forum. I have joined recently as well, and it has quickly become a valuable program resource for me. I hope you find the same!
A few thoughts after reading your post. I am in similar shoes, and have been at the spot you are now. My AW was in inpatient treatment for almost 60 days, and the weeks and months that followed were extremely stressful. After her release, she was at home, but awaiting sentencing which we knew was going to include some type of confinement, potentially including mulitple years in prison. This was a dynamic that made it all the more stressful. I was riddled with fear ... what if she relapese? What if she gets sent to prison? How are we ever going to absorb the financial consequences of her legal troubles? I know she was also fearful and confused. She also shared with me how truly frightening it was for her to leave the safety and structure of her inpatient hospital, where she had grown exceptionally close to the other residents and staff there. Now she was back in the environment she had become so sick at, with very few of those support people at the hospital available to her anymore. She now had the responsibility of structuring her own program, fitting that in around work, a family, and while wrestling with the fear of being sent to prison and losing everything. Some of the best advice I got from my sponsor and others in the program was to be empathetic and gentle with her ... and let her, her HP, her sponsor and her primary support network worry about helping her through this difficult time. The best thing I could do was focus on my own recovery, and turn my concern about hers over to my HP. My Pastor (an A in recovery for 15 years) also reminded me that it took us YEARS to get this screwed up, and that it would take a long time to get healthy individually, and as a family. Expecting everything to change overnight was a recipe for disappointment. Finally my sponsor continually reminds me that I will know what I need to know, when it is knowable, and not before ... in the mean time, focus on myself, keep my side of the street clean, and allow my wife the dignity of working through her program, her issues, and her choices on her terms and at her pace.
One thing I often need to remind myself of as well ... the disease became the focul point for everything that happened in our family for years. It was so easy to assume that it was the root for every problem we had. In reality, removing the active disease from the home began to reveal that it had been masking a lot of issues that had always been there, and for the first time in many years, were now front and center. There was no more sweeping them under the rug of disease. They are now out in the open, and there is no blaming the active A for the problem. It's a ultimately a healthy thing to discover this, but it's jarring and hurts at first, Especially when you begin to fully see and accept your own role in them.
In the end, most of the answers to your questions are going to be up to you to answer. It's a difficult concept to get your head around, especially early in the program when we have spent years allowing the attitudes and behaviors of our A dictate how we feel, what we do, etc. But I have found that as I have learned to 'Let Go and Let God' more and more, it becomes easier for me to live in the present, rather than be gripped by my fears of the future, or resentments from the past. I have learned that I feel better when I take care of myself, and that I am far more effective providing for my daughter and effective at work when I feel good. And I also feel so much less burdened and stressed knowing that I didn't cause her condition, and I have no power to cure or control it. It frees my mind to focus on me, our 9 year old daughter, and my job (in that order) ... the things I can, and should, be focused on. I have a long long way to go, because I can slide back to fear and trying to control on a moment's notice. But now I have tools that help me to recognize it when I do, and strategy's for employing those tools to find my balance again. I believe that you will too if you stick with the program, get a sponsor, and work it.
Keep coming back. The program works if you work it, and you take it One Day at a Time.
