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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> happy and worried
Post Info TOPIC: happy and worried
Wife


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happy and worried
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Hi All, 

I'm new to this, so not really sure how it works. But I could really use some guidance and support. I've been married to the man of my dreams for the past 10 years. He's an amazing husband, father and friend. Right after the financial recession of 2008, we started struggling financially, and he started drinking a little more than usual to cope with the financial stress that he was feeling to continue providing for us as a family. As the years went on, the drinking kept increasing until we reached the stage we're at now (and we've been steadily at this stage for at least a year now - an average of 12 - 15 beers a night). We fight alot about his drinking, spent days not speaking to each other, we were constantly angry with each other and there was just a lot of tension in general. Eventually, I gave up fighting and lost any faith that he would stop drinking. So I decided to just accept it. He is an amazing man in every other way, so I thought oh well, things could be worse. I gave up on him. He was relieved that I stopped nagging and talking to him about his drinking. Nothing changed. Then one night, he came crashing into the house beaten up. He was incoherent. I was terrified. I put him to sleep. The next afternoon, when he finally woke up. He couldnt move he was in so much pain. He couldnt remember a thing about what happened the night before. Not a single thing. He was ashamed, in tears, in pain, and didnt understand how he got to this point. I had always thought, "it's gonna take something really bad happening, for him to realize". And it finally happened. Things got better for a bit (he didnt quit drinking - just cut down). Then eventually, he got back into the same old routine. I was so mad and couldnt understand how he didnt just quit after that experience. I gave up again and we continued living our lives happily with our 2 children. Never acknowledging the elephant in the room. A couple weeks ago he broke down. He said he cant live like this anymore. Everyday he wakes up in a fog. He pretends to be 'normal' to everyone around him, but he's suffering the worst hangover, every morning. He glides through his day, in a haze, just waiting for evening so he can have his first drink. One leads to another, and even though he knows he's reached his limit and should stop, he just cant do it. He's weak in the face of alcohol.

We finally have a breakthrough, and he has agreed to go speak to an alcohol and drug addiction specialist. This is a HUGE step. He's going later on today and I'm so happy and so scared at the same time. I could really use some support right now. I have no clue what to expect after his appointment (I've also tried convincing him to go to an AA meeting but he refuses).



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Doingmybest


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I wish you and your AH great luck on this venture. I experienced exactly the same thing with my AH. Unfortunately, the alcohol/drug counselor/psychiatrist did very very little to help him. It was at least 2 more years before my AH realized that it really was an alcoholic. It took a very serious event for him to realize he was out of control. Each person has a different "bottom".

I don't want to sound pessimistic in anyway. The counselor/psychiatrist he saw/sees provided him with medication that helps curb his cravings. It does not work unless they want it. AA has been the only thing that has helped him with this problem. I could not make him go. I could not cry enough. I could not yell enough. I could not complain or reason enough... Because the alcohol problem is his, not yours or mine.

At this point, I can say that my husband is actively working his AA program and cyber for almost exactly 2 months. He was drinking 30 or more beers a day. It took a couple of weeks to detox himself at home. Though some people must go to a facility for detox. Even his AA companions were shocked that he was able to detox on his own. This is a dangerous process and one that should never be taken lightly.

I can not say the program that your husband is seeking will not help, because it may...it just did not work for mine. He did dry out for six months initially but he was not sober in anyway and acted exactly the same as he did when he was drinking The selfishness and everything else that comes with alcoholism.

Thank God no one was seriously injured or killed before my husband found AA. I'm not saying it is easy or that he has not made a first step. It is very hard on all involved. I truly hope did your family can rid itself of the sorrows of this horrible disease. It cannot be cured however it can be managed. Please be gentle with yourself. You deserve it!



-- Edited by Doingmybest on Wednesday 10th of June 2015 06:44:16 AM



-- Edited by Doingmybest on Wednesday 10th of June 2015 06:45:45 AM

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There, but for the Grace of God, go I.
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Wife, I can understand your feelings and am happy that you reached out and shared.There is always hope especialy when the wall of" denial "lifts. It is great that your partner has agreed to see an alcohol counselor because he feels he cannot go on drinking as he has been doing.


Alcoholism is a progressive chronic , fatal ,disease that can be arrested and never cured.

You discovered, in your attempts to stop the alcoholic from drinking,that we are powerless over the disease of alcoholism. As a result of living with the constant insanity of this disease we too become affected by the chaos and need a program of recovery of our own.

AA is a recovery program that is successful for alcoholic and Al-Anon is the recovery program for family members. Al-Anon has face-to-face meetings in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages.

I found that in order to regain my sanity, my vitality, and my self-esteem it was of the utmost importance that I seek recovery for myself.

It was in the rooms of Al-Anon that I finally broke the isolation caused by this disease, developed new constructive tools to live by and a supportive network of like-minded people to work with . Living one day at a time, focused on my self and my needs, helped tremendously in this endeavor.

I urge you to search out Al-Anon meetings and attend



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Debb


~*Service Worker*~

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Wife ... so happy to hear that your husband is getting the help he needs!!  Now you need help for yourself and I would like to suggest joining an al-anon group, there are so many local chapters all over the country.  The steps in al-anon will help you to understand the disease of alcholism, that it is progressive and will be a life long battle for your husband, even after he stops drinking.  The members of an al-anon group will give you the support and friendship you need right now.  You will learn how to regain your peace and serenity and also acquire your life back!!  Al-anon will also help, thru the steps, to show you how not to enable his relationship with alcohol, by loving him with empathic detachment.  So glad you chose MIP to come to for help, the members of this board are so caring and hope you keep coming back!!!



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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie
Iamhere


~*Service Worker*~

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Wife -

Welcome to MIP and so glad you found us and are here!

I will keep your husband and his journey in my prayers, as well as yours.

Your story is very familiar to many of us and as Betty states, this disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. Only he can choose recovery as a program with tools to arrest the disease.

You too can choose a better way to live. Alanon has given me my life back. Through this program, I have come to understand the 3 C(s) - Didn't Cause It, Can't Control It and Can't Cure It.

The three small but powerful concepts gave me hope the first time I heard them. I certainly knew I was powerless over the As choice, but hadn't given much thought to not being able to influence control or cure! I always thought, What If....or When This....or If This, Then....

All the planning, thinking, controlling, arguing, etc. truly had no affect on the disease in our home.

Alanon gave me the tools to live my life with peace in spite of what others are doing. I've been given the tools to use to act and react differently, and set boundaries that protect me emotionally, spiritually and beyond.

So very glad you are here and hope you find local F2F meetings (Face to Face). If those aren't available where you live, there are 2 here most days - the schedule is up to the top on the left.

Keep coming back!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Wife


Newbie

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Thank you so much for your replies. My husband is at the meeting now. I dont know what to expect when he gets home, i fear it might be a night of binge drinking. But I'm hoping for a miracle.

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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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That is great news
we have online meetings here two times a day .Here is the site address and schedule. Yhye wil lhelp you to maintain your serenity

www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html


Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
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