The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am grateful for this program and for all of you who are in the trenches with me. I've learned invaluable lessons on this forum. Today we ( AH and me ) had an "ah-ha" moment.
After 4 years of marriage he says that he feels as if he's on the outside looking in. AH is approaching 5 mos sobriety this go-around. I said "well yes, you've always been on the outside looking in. Whether you isolate yourself on the computer, with your guitar, in the garage or with booze or weed or whatever - you've never been HERE. I have parented while you've evaporated. That's how it's always always been."
"Well, maybe I'm well enough now to see it and not like it".
My response was simply "you have a choice to make then don't you. I choose to continue to provide for my family, to parent my children and to work on myself".
The dark question in my mind that I did NOT verbalize is a hard one.
Is this really more about him noticing that I no longer enable, coddle, cover up, check up on, pay for, make excuses with and or in anyway engage in his own illness.
Probably. I'm sure that feels lonely. I'm sure he'd love to bait the hook and have me bite and jump back into the darkness of our illness. But I've tasted the beginnings of being well and nothing tastes as sweet.
Hi ledfoot Jenny--- congratulations, I do believe you responded perfectly and ,although your mind reviewed certain truths ,you chose to treat the situation with courtesy and respect. and kept the focus on yourself and let him draw his own conclusions. Good work.
The Al-Anon opening states that" changed attitudes, aid recovery". It is important that you keep on taking care of yourself, using your tools, and allowing him the dignity to do likewise. If he's feeling outside of the family that is his awareness of the situation that he does not like. You, by validating your position clearly noted how you felt and what you were intending to do without blaming or criticizing him.---Now it is up to him to come up with a solution.
Good morning LedFootJenny and thank you for your share! I applaud you for using the program and what you've gained in your responses and approach! That just speaks volumes for me relative to "Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes".
My oldest A son actually said to me the other day that he doesn't know what I have been doing, but that I've been 'so much better' in the last few years. Well - all that I've really been doing is staying on my side of the street and practicing the tools of detachment with love, healthy boundaries, life on life's terms and acceptance.
This coming from him was kind of surprising to me as he was very immature when I started this journey. When I would not react or react differently, at first it really confused and angered him. Then, he just came to ignore me and not speak to me or confide in me much (avoidance). Recently, his babe was sick and they needed help. So, he reached out and I was able to do so.
For me, when I just do as I should and leave things up to my HP, there are miracles. It's been very, very slow but when I remain open, I see love and light from my HP each day!
Yay for you for loving you enough to react in such a graceful way. Keep doing what you're doing and leave the rest up to HP!
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the encouragement ladies! One way I know I'm getting better is that I don't take the bait and react quickly - but more importantly, the resentment is starting to melt away and make room for empathy. I've been so angry that I spent all my time putting him down and condemning his actions. Not so much anymore. :)
That's great Jenny. Empathy has been a long struggle for me. I actually have quite a bit more than I used to, but have a long ways to go to get to a level that I would like. Progress not perfection! So I am happy for you!
Congratulations LedfootJenny!!! I too have been able to reach the point where I am not resentful and it feels very very good. I still get caught off guard every once and a while with that Dr. Jerkel/Mr. Hyde syndrome that AH sometimes exhibits, but all in all I feel like you, more in control of my life and serenity.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
You have acted in all the right ways he will be more likely to turn to the program if he's not feeling false comfort.
I am a recovering alcoholic 21 years sober as well as Alanon member.
remember though that he has very thin skin and is emotionally very immature so this part of the illness will balk him from seeing things as perhaps you do. somebody once told me alcoholism is a lot like being on the autistic spectrum and I must say it seems to fit to me. It's as though everybody here's the same message but the alcoholic hears it translated differently especially in the very early months. Just thought I would throw a light on this to help you both.
