The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I get that my AH is working through his program and I hope for nothing more than the best for him as he navigates these uncharted waters, but where is my husband when I need him?
We have three children who need to be cared for, loved, and guided. My husband has become completely hands off. He even goes as far as walking or way or leaving the house all together when one of the kids breaks a rule, asks a question, or needs parenting.
I have a full time job, he was our full time caregiver until this disease took away his ability to be left alone and responsible for three small human beings. I now have to manage schools, daycares, work, and the household. I feel like a single mother who happens to have a grown man as a roommate...I have no idea what I should expect from him as everyone only tells me to leave him to his program while I work mine. How and where am I suppose to work a program when I dont have time outside of 30 minutes of lunch at work (which is how I have time to type this) when I dont have littles lives to prioritize? There are no programs around my area which have a meeting where childcare is provided (unless I go during the work day which isnt an option).
I want to leave him to work his progam, but why is working the program an excuse to ignore your family and daily obligations??
I will get off my soapbox, take a deep breath, and get my ass back to work so I can continue to fulfill my daily obligations.
I just wrote about this very topic yesterday under the title 'Recovery Dilemma' ... I am in the same place as you. Frustrated and feeling very unsure about where we are headed. I too am Feeling the conflict between individual recovery and family healing. They don't seem to necassarily go hand in hand. You might check out that thread ... there were lots of good responses.
So very sorry that you are feeling the burden of a single mother with a roommate. I've been living that life for 21 years (we made it, sort of, to the other side).
I almost lost my mind trying to do it all. My parents and siblings were geographically disbursed so no help there.
I did end up reaching out to some friends and without violating my AH's privacy, just explained that I wanted to join a couple support groups and needed help with child care.
We swapped (I didn't have much extra $$ at the time) child-care, so this gave me some much needed breaks to do something for me. I am fortunate to have meetings locally so did that mostly.
My best suggestion is keep working your recovery as best you can and reach out for help. If he's not capable of helping right now, reach out to others for help...
I can remember when I was pregnant with my second child, and was tired, heavy and over-whelmed I would go to the grocery store (back then, some provided childcare)...
I would put my first born into the child care and just roam around the store to get a break. My HP helped me get creative so I could survive and evenually thrive.
(((Hugs))) to you - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
We do have Alanon meeting online at this site which might be helpful for you since you aren't able to find ones with child care near you. This would allow for you to have your meetings and still be available for your family. hugs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Asking for your spouse to pull up his big boy underwear and do some adult tasks is not taking him away from his recovery. In fact, you could just as easily say that doing these things for him is enabling. I suggest communicating in a way that is thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, and kind about this. I learned quickly in AA that the world did not stop just so I could get sober. In my early recovery, when I bitched about regular adult tasks of daily living, my sponsor would be patient, but basically let me know I was being a baby. I didn't get sober to remain childlike and dysfunctional. Alcohol destroyed me and turned me into that awful manchild. I wonder if your spouse wants to remain a casualty of addiction because using being in recovery as an excuse to avoid responsibility....that is not recovery at all. That's ongoing disease. It was not easy to grow up starting in my mid 30s, but that is real recovery. If minimal to moderate responsibilty makes him relapse, it was going to happen anyhow...It would happen when you had enough of carrying him and he would have to fend for himself or perish.
Pinkchip, I do so enjoy reading your posts. I usually find them to contain wisdom of the succinct, 4x concentrated variety.
Earlybird, I can relate so much to your share. I agree with PC that asking for help, which I'm not so great at (I wouldn't want to be a burden...) has usually been very rewarding for me. Even if we don't get the help we were hoping for, the asking is all we can do. At the end of the day I try to notice some of the gifts I'm being given even when things seem chaotic. I'm building relationships with the teachers at my daycare. Some of them are wonderful people and now they're starting to look at me as more than just some mindless lug of a father. Cool! And I'm grateful that I can actually afford daycare. What a help they are to me and my kids. I don't know what I'd do without them.
I pray that you get some of the help you need so you can enjoy some peace and serenity. One day at a time.
Asking for your spouse to pull up his big boy underwear and do some adult tasks is not taking him away from his recovery. In fact, you could just as easily say that doing these things for him is enabling. I suggest communicating in a way that is thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, and kind about this. I learned quickly in AA that the world did not stop just so I could get sober. In my early recovery, when I bitched about regular adult tasks of daily living, my sponsor would be patient, but basically let me know I was being a baby. I didn't get sober to remain childlike and dysfunctional. Alcohol destroyed me and turned me into that awful manchild. I wonder if your spouse wants to remain a casualty of addiction because using being in recovery as an excuse to avoid responsibility....that is not recovery at all. That's ongoing disease. It was not easy to grow up starting in my mid 30s, but that is real recovery. If minimal to moderate responsibilty makes him relapse, it was going to happen anyhow...It would happen when you had enough of carrying him and he would have to fend for himself or perish.
I love this reply especially the big boy underwear reference. Also there's bags of wisdom in your answer in general, Thankyou
