The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, my recovery is in its infancy, but on the right track. I managed to sneak out to another meeting last night and have been going any of the 4 groups in this area any time I can get away with it. It shows in our home lately.
I've managed to avoid conflict and keep, if not a sunny disposition, at least an only slightly overcast disposition for weeks.
From her perspective, I'm fixing myself (although I'm sure she's a little confused as to how I'm doing that) and she never had a problem in the first place, so, problem solved. At times I think my recovery might be going too well, because it seems to be allowing her to let herself completely off the hook, but I toss those thoughts out when they surface. My recovery can never go too well.
She's started with the "I love you's" again, and I've managed to make a kind of "rhy rhuf hoo, doo" sound, like a dog, between lightly clenched teeth, because I don't feel as though I love her romantically anymore, though I will always love her for the person that she is.
I know this is pre-planning, but I want to ready myself for the conversation I feel is coming soon. "Why don't you want to go over to so and so's with me?"
So and so's are drunks. They are nice drunks, and I have no problem with them, but I am starting to feel like I could never go over there again and that would be fine with me. I also think that the longer I spend in recovery, the less I will want to go over there.
The truthful answer would be "If I go over there with you, you will drink to much and I won't enjoy myself" (plus it still just depresses the hell out of me). That answer will not be received well and will likely lead to her attempting to escalate. I can avoid *an* escalation, but me dropping the whole gang, and now, not seeming to harbor any of the anger at her that she knows led me to drop the whole gang, will likely lead to multiple attempts by her to get an explanation for why I don't want to go.
Any explanation I can think of seems to point fingers at her, no matter how gingerly I try to phrase it. I don't really have a good explanation for dropping all of our friends that doesn't name her as the reason. I haven't had arguments with them. They haven't slighted me in any way. She knows I like them ok. She knows I used to enjoy myself at times when we went over there. But while I complained about being lonely last week, I'm moving more towards wanting to replace that activity, not rejoin it.
What am I missing here? Is there a step, slogan, tenet, principle, ESH, ODAT, C2C or other that might lead me to an answer? I know I'm anticipating her response on this, but this is NOT a person in recovery we are talking about. This is a person who, at the times that I pushed her (before I started recovery) NEVER has admitted once to being an alcoholic. And I have LOTS of experience with her attempting to have civil discourse on matters like this and have failed miserably each and every time.
Is this a rare case where the truth is not the answer?
Almost there, in my humble opinion. The truth is always important. Al-Anon suggests that we place principles above personalities and say what we mean, mean what we say and do not say it mean.
In answer to the question, do you want to go to so and sos? could simply no, I'm not up to it. I don't feel well and being around alcohol it is disturbing to me these days. Or simply no, which is a complete sentence.
I always found that one of my defects was that I projected into the future and tried to figure out how I was going to feel and what the other person was going to say and it complicated many situations. Being honest with her right from the start really pays off. Maybe before she even asks you could explain your position about going visiting to these gatherings and save a great deal of anxiety. The Hope for Today reading posted on the Board is apropo to this question.
It's nice to see that as Al-Anon states" changed attitudes: in one person in the family does affect the other members. Your wife expressing her love for you is an interesting turn of events .
Hotrod, you are the fastest to the finish line with wisdom every time. I'm always amazed at your ability to be thoughtful, considerate, yet straightforward and direct. I still say although we are all equals here, some of us are more equal than others ;)
I know this makes no difference, but I do want to pat myself on the back that even though I'm anticipating here, I'm doing it with a different attitude. I used to anticipate in order to be ready for the fight; to have my dander up in advance so I could be ready to roar. This time I'm trying to be prepared for calmness and peace, but I understand that I am still projecting a response from her.
I've been saying "no", and "not tonight" and "don't feel like it" for months, and there was tension between us and she just accepted that it was because I was "mad at her" and didn't push it. Now I'm not "mad at her" anymore. So I can see more of a "what gives?" line coming.
Based on your wisdom (which I have faith in), it will have to be some form of the truth and I'll just have to wait for it to happen. It will probably be another "just don't feel like it" and if pushed I'll probably have to just keep stating that in one form or another. A statement - with which, it would seem - there could be no argument. (Then if it's Friday, she can go without me and I can sneak off to a meeting!). If she tries to escalate I'll probably say something like "I want you to enjoy your weekend (sweety honey bear lamb chops dear - sorry. I'll leave the sarcasm out), I'm not sure exactly why, let me think about it for a while." After which, she'll go out and forget the conversation ever happened.
I know I shouldn't try to map this out, but I'm really liking the calm around here and I want it to stick around. Got the al-anon honeymoon jitters.
There will be things - boundaries - actions you take that are to protect yourself, that are clearly for you, but that she will make all about her. That is the nature of the alcoholic. So you have insight and you know this already. Part of your program is not trying to control her, enable, or pacify her anyhow. You've done well to detach and to avoid needless arguments, BUT - you won't be always able to spare her tender alcoholic feelings while protecting your serenity.
There is nothing wrong with "I no longer wish to be around heavy drinking. It upsets me, so I am choosing not to go." Then you get all kinds of whining and blame and she will probably tell the "ole gang" how you are judging all of them and have this "crazy idea" that alcohol is evil now and you are now on a moral soap box. Whatever. You know the truth. Honestly, I could even see saying something like "I don't want to be around you when you are getting drunk if I can help it. I know it's your choice, and at home, I can just go somewhere else. But I cannot do that at other peoples' homes, so I'm choosing not to go. Have fun hon." Again, she will toss the nasty stuff at you, but you just repeat the same boundary over and over and then walk away.
pink, you too are a champ, and another who's wisdom I find invaluable. I'm daydreaming that I can keep this up and avoid dealing with the alcoholic in any way, and your prediction is that which I dread as much as I'm trying not to anticipate it. Guess I'll have to play it by ear. ODAT. "Never safe from the truth, but in the truth we can survive." ~ SRV
I finally realized I didn't affect his drinking. Hello Step One. If I could have changed it, I would have. Internalizing this gave me permission to pursue my own recovery. This took way longer for me than talking about it. I had to test it a lot. It is humbling to remember the life I had anticipating his reaction to my reaction. Useless. Freedom is better.
I'm still working on this one too. It is a great challenge, not to anticipate reactions. I've done it for sooooo long...and was very good at it..lol. Anyway, I found yesterday that I am still doing this and need to stop because my anticipated response from AH was dead wrong. He is in recovery and I didn't give him the credit he deserved. I'm glad I was wrong, but I really need to work on this issue.
I had to find my own truth and be able to share it with love.....not easy but possible.
My line is/was, "I Love You, but I struggle to watch you under the influence. It makes me uncomfortable."
I've also used Betty's No. I tend to want to add extra words, so my sponsor suggested No Thank you. And then walk to a chair so as to not add more words.
I'm a slow learner at times and seem to want to either soften the blow or make my case. I truly don't have to do either, I can just state what I have decided.
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That's one of the things that is giving me so much trouble - she's NOT in recovery so I still feel that her reactions are predictable. BUT...I can't predict her reactions to MY NEW reactions and presentations, so I guess I have to give that up. Although, I think pinkchip is pretty daggone close (I didn't say that).
As everyone can probably tell from my posts, I talk to practically no one all day. It's me, a couch, a laptop, and a bunch of code, so I talk WAY too much when given the opportunity. I may convert to Catholicism just so I can go to confession!
JADE comes to mind for me here. You never have to justify or explain your decisions. If you feel you have to give more than no thank you, I dont feel like it then you could tell her that your working on yourself being healthy and being with drinkers isnt helping you stay healthy. I think whatever you say as long as your motives are about you and your own self care then it doesn't really matter what she thinks or says. In my experience active alcoholics can turn on and off being offended or hurt or upset. does it really matter what she thinks or says? Her thinking is distorted and disturbed anyway so expecting a rational response may be your own denial.
Here are a couple of things a couple of things I have learned ... and as they say 'take what you like and leave the rest'.
When I find myself dwelling on what might or might not happen if I take an action (and doing nothing is an action), I have a friend in AlAnon who reigns me in by reminding me that I am wrestling with a fear. Fear she tells me is simply my minding treating a 'Fictional Event As Real'. I find now that when i do that, it hurts me in several ways. First, it robs me of an opportunity to live in the present, and deal with what is actually happening there. I can't take 'One Day At a Time' if I'm trying to plot out exactly how to make some future event that may or not happen turn out the way that I want it to. I am reminded to focus on what I can control (My decision to go to so and so's house, in this case) and let my HP deal with that which I can't control (How my spouse will react to my decision). I know that is so much easier said than done, but when I actually practice it, it takes such a burden off. The second way I harm myself, and it's related to the first, is that I find as I look back on all the Fears I devoted so much of my time and energy on, 95% of the things I worried about never happened anyway, and in the 5% of times they did, my 'plan' for them never resulted in the outcome I had spent hours, days or month plotting to get. When I think of the collasal waste of my own time and energy, and the stress I needlessly imposed on myself, I realize that I could have been doing something I actually enjoyed. I also would have spared myself the tremendous physical toll of the stress on my mind and body that accompanied focusing on these fears. And finally, it hurts my relationship with my HP, because I am encroaching on his job. When I try to do God's will for him, I find it shrinks my belief in what my HP is able to do for me, and those I love. When I make my HP smaller, I become even less likely to give that which I am powerless over to him. When I realize I'm doing this, I find myself beating a fast path back to re-work Step 1.
Something else I learned very early on, and my Sponsor repeats this to me all the time. 'You don't have to attend every fight you are invited to'. If she attempts to escalate after you set your boundary, one thing you can consider doing is simply telling her 'You may be right' about whatever it is she says, and leave it that. It's such a powerful response to any charge our A's may try to throw at us. It's simple, it's empathetic, and virtually impossible to argue with if you think about it. I found with my wife, when she was active in her addiction, that she would engage me in my ways that helped her justify her own drinking. Using your example, if she wanted me to go somewhere that drinking was going happen my response, no matter what is was, could be used in her mind to justify her drinking. If I chose to go, where obviously I knew she would be drinking than she saw that as my tacit approval for her drinking once we got there. Conversely, if I didn't go, she could justify her drinking as a response to the hurt I cause her by demonstarting to her that I just didn't want to to spend time with her. I got wrapped in playing that game on her terms all the time, and I always tried to figure out which interpretation I wanted her drinking on that night. Do I want to deal with the happy embarassing drunk at the end of the night, or the angry depressed drunk when she got home. If that is the case for you, you might think about simply setting your boundary based on your principles of recovery, choose not attend the fight if she invites you to one after you set it, and allow her the dignity she is entitled to of making her own choices about where she goes, what she does, and who she does them with and leave the rest to your HP.
This all sounds so simple on 'paper' ... doesn't it?
I shall stop dwelling on it instantaneously. You are all absolutely right! Just getting jittery because I've managed to smooth things out here lately and I know it won't last forever. But I'll deal with that when it happens!! THANK YOU!!!
BTW, it's funny because last Friday I turned her down and went to 2 meetings while she was gone and when she got back, she was prepared for a chilly reception, but she didn't get it. She doesn't know whats going on.
I shall stop dwelling on it instantaneously. You are all absolutely right! Just getting jittery because I've managed to smooth things out here lately and I know it won't last forever. But I'll deal with that when it happens!! THANK YOU!!!
BTW, it's funny because last Friday I turned her down and went to 2 meetings while she was gone and when she got back, she was prepared for a chilly reception, but she didn't get it. She doesn't know whats going on.
It does throw them off balance. I have heard several AODA Counselors talk about how breaking the co-dependency cycle CAN be a critical piece of the A seeking recovery. The theory is that the A becomes just as dependent on the reaction of the family members as they do the alcohol itself. Not engaging in the arguments. Loving Detachment. Finding your own recovery. These things can remove the fuel the A needs to 'justify' the 'need' for alcohol. When things don't function the same, it can disrupt the cycle and aid in bringing the A to a moment of clarity. No gaurantee, but it makes sense to me. It's one of the reasons I love the slogan 'Let it begin with me' ... If we find our own recovery, we get healthly ... and it can provide an example the A may want to follow ... and an environment at home where recovery can take root and thrive.
Maybe you have some new awarenesses since attending Alanon. You may be seeing choices now that you hadn't in the past. One of those would be... I don't have to go along with everything just because it's put in front of me. Detachment is one of the tools that comes to mind concerning the conversation you're proposing. You can "say what you mean, mean what you say, and not say it mean." You're discovering new truths about yourself. You're connecting with new people in the program. You're moving out of an old role and discovering a new healthier identity. She is still where she is. You can have your recovery and be around the friends who drink by bringing your program along to the party so to speak. That's your choice too. You've admitted missing hanging out with these people a bit. You withdrawing from them won't change her drinking habits. I go when I want to. My bf is in recovery but none of his family are. We stay a short time, enjoy people and when they really begin getting ripped, we go home. I would miss the company of some people if I gave them up completely because while sober they're really enjoyable to around. You can take your time and see how you feel about it all. Thanks for sharing! TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Another thing to remember is that if the A doesn't like the answer she's given (because maybe it seems to reflect badly on her), she will put up a big fuss to try to get you to change it. Been There Done That one! But just because she puts up a big fuss doesn't mean it was a "wrong" answer. Sometimes there is no answer that doesn't cause a big fuss. My experience is that the fuss dies down after a few times. Meanwhile if you are saying what you mean, meaning what you say and not saying it mean, you are way ahead of many of us in the health-action front! So easy to say but sometimes so challenging to put into practice.
