The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling w/ this topic obviously. I don't feel that I am being heard enough. I can't seem to focus my attention on anything else this moment. I thought popularity ended in high school. Am I that offensive or misleading? All I really want is a good life. I am not sure if I am just overreacting? I even sometimes feel in rare cases that even in my al anon circles I am left out. I listen at meetings but get lost in what other people are saying. Maybe that is just my issue that is really not relevant to my original topic. If anyone has some insight or have experience, please post. I am out on a limb here feeling like people care but don't show it .
One thing I've noticed is that there are a lot of people who are very wrapped up in their personal confusion and sometimes they forget to show how much they care, but we're all in a similar boat and very much DO care about each other's struggles. I for one felt like I was going to explode with the thoughts bombarding me when I first came here, and though I knew people were there to listen I felt like I just couldn't find a place to start expressing myself. I found that writing stuff out helped me get my feelings organized some so I could present them better.
I'm far from finding my own peace, only been here about a week but I know that there are lot's of people here who care, and who have helped me calm the storm of emotions within myself so I could find my personal starting place. And I know that when I need to get something else off my chest I can come here to do it.
But no, it's not a popularity contest. Most of these people don't really know each other.
I know I care for one... I pray that you get the chance to put your feelings and challenges out there in this digital void and find the answers you need and deserve, and I pray you find the peace within yourself that you need.
You found the right place... I hope you keep coming back
Im sorry you feel this way Hoot. I think we can all feel unheard at times. For me, like everything else it passes. I think its good you have expressed yourself and made it clear what you want and what you need so thats good self care. Lots can be said at meetings so its easy to get lost in everything thats shared. I have an alanon friend who feels like that at meetings and she takes a note pad and notes down key things she hears as the meeting goes on and she often gives excellent feedback to people due to this. Take care Hoot and keep coming here and asking for whatever it is you need.x
I've shared at meetings and felt a little brushed aside at times. Sometimes I get this twinge of hurt, wondering why no one had anything to say about it, but I let it go. I know it's not a matter of popularity in the group because no one seems to get more attention than anyone else. I just chalk it up to the fact that no one in the group could relate to my share that much. I think for some people life IS a popularity contest, but you don't have to compete. I quit competing years ago and find that I'm appreciated in some circles and not in others.
It's all about self. I just want to be popular with myself. I want to like and respect myself. If I can do that, I'll be fine.
This is one of the warmest places I've ever been. Stick around here and people will show you that they care. I do!
I too at times have felt unheard and left out, but I have learned to speak up and say what I mean, mean what I say without saying it mean. I also used to ramble on about my A and all that was going on, but since finding al-anon the crisis and chaos I was living in has all but stopped and now I only speak at meetings briefly and try to listen more than talk. I have learned people are more willing to hear me now, before I guess maybe I just needed attention and thought others could give me answers, but now I know I can figure out my own answers and am not as panicked about things. My sponsor always gave me a listening ear when I would call and she would tell me when I called how important is it and I would give her a number 0-10 and if it was a low number she would tell me to call her back after the news or when she was done doing what she was doing. I have learned patience with her strategies and now tell myself how important is it and give it a number from 0-10 and lots of times it is a low number if given an hour. Sometimes it is not then I find a trusted friend to vent it out with and problem solve. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Good to see you again (((kathleen))) I don't know the answer. To be honest, I experience this too in my life. If there a clique anywhere, I always seem to be on the outer fringes of it and not one of them. Some days I can brush it off, others I'm especially sensitive to it. I do know that I have a responsibility in this and I need to consciously work on it. I don't engage other people in conversation nearly as much as I could. I'm not too great at conversation openers and I worry I'll not have much to personally contribute to a conversation. With healthier people, I'm almost afraid of what they'll ask particularly things like if we spent a holiday with abf's kids like they did with their kids. What do I say, no, they see us just twice a year and it really hurts. Still I know I need to risk to belong and let go of my expectations of how others will respond or not. My higher power always responds lovingly to my honesty and that's what's most important. I have to be careful not to shrink back into a corner of isolation again and return to being invisible. I've been feeling like doing that today so I came here. I'm out of work awhile and the rejections are coming every day. I'm glad you spoke your truth, hoot because I feel a little less alone now. By the way, you still owe me a pumpkin muffin. :) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I have been there as well and it just doesn't fell good - so sorry Kathleen that you are there. Someone above me suggested that it will pass and as with most things, good and bad there tends to be a season...
TT makes mention of what I started doing and it's made a bunch of difference - being the invitee. I am 'planning ahead' for full retirement and want to ensure I have friends, activities, etc. and right now, I am mostly consumed with my home business, my program and softball. So - we know that softball is going to be limited/ending soon (I am 52 ... seriously how much longer will my body play?)
So - I set a goal at the beginning of the year to make at least 5 new friends. I didn't know truly how to do this and it actually has been very rewarding (and outside my comfort zone).
Thank goodness for the program, because it gives me a population to experiment with. I basically picked two ladies (one at a time) and asked if they wanted to have coffee or lunch. Both readily accepted and we went. One ended up being more of a program related outing and the other ended up being more social. Both were great. We have exchanged numbers, and we've reached out via text to check in or to reschedule a 'date'.
I guess - I prayed about my situation and my fear and this was my answer - if you want friends, go forth and seek. I have another experience that was disappointing. There was a third - a gal who has quite a bit of time and I admire her shares. We went out to lunch and it was all gossip/drama. We exchanged numbers but I had to set a boundary with her. I do not gossip and I have had enough drama to last a life-time so - I chose to not pursue that friendship. I was kind but I was honest with why.
Taking the lead was very scary for me but worth it. I am learning that my picker isn't perfect for friends either - lol, but I have two new ones that I believe will be lasting!
(((Hugs))) to you - you are not alone and we're all willing to support you in this!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I Too Struggle with this at times, Even on Here when i Post and only Few respond if Any, My Feelings Depending on How my Day is Going Does Make it Feel that way... I have done alot of Personal Inside Work about this and for Me I have Found ALot of that Comes from Growing up in my Alcoholic Home Feeling like I wasn't Enough... For Anything Including People...
I have Notice when I Slow down on My Program and Start Pulling away, I too Can get on my Pity Pot and Feel Less then or Belittled by my Peers... Its Not A Good Place to Live in my Head that Way, So that is Usually when I Begin back at One... I am Powerless over OTHERS and how they Feel of Me.. And then I have to Ask myself WHY I'm Upset over them and their Feelings or shows of Effection are so Important to Me? What am I Missing IN Me that Makes me want to be Needed or Validated?
All Hard Questions when I am Struggling, but they Do Help me PUSH thru... When I Am On Track with My Recovery, those things don't seem to bother me as Much, but when I Slip, and Keeping Going Down without picking up that 1000lb Phone/ or Come Here... and When I Release it to my Sponser or God, or another Trusted Program Friend I Find the Relief I Need was Already inside me...
I was Never Popular, But I Was Gifted with the Ability to Make Others Laugh even if they where Laughing AT Me, and it has opened many doors for me in seeing that just because i Laughed with someone, doesn't mean we are friends... I Have Learned that When I'm Struggling that My Recovery Family is there for Me, even if they don't respond when I THINK they should...
For Me... When I surround Myself with Healthy Program People, I find Peace in all things... Sometimes I Even have to just sit with My HP and Hash it out...
I Grateful for you Share... I Needed to Hear it today, So Thank you :)
My home group has been hard to break into. I kept
Going for me not for social friends. Even after all this
time i still feel this way. They will run to their buddies
to chat. I just go an pickup and put books and stuff
Away.
Eventually i get to chat with people. I try not
To take it personal. They are people i do not know
And have no relationship with outside of alanon.
Most will not even say anything after i admitted i
Was having a hard time. That should not be a hard
thing in my book. There are some who are caring
and will ask and give comfort.
I try to embrace newbies and talk to them so they
Too do not feel excluded. I keep giving them hugs if
They Allow it. It usually pays off. The old timers are
Not my business. I am not the only one that feels
That way and i get along well with most people so
I dont feel it me in particular.
I appreciate your courage in voicing the feelings you are struggling with, even while you are unsure if you will be heard. It occurred to me as I read your post that I have never looked at AlAnon meetings as anything more than formal opportunities to exchange ESH and then continue on with our lives. Perhaps in doing so, I could be seen as not being 'present' or truly hearing other members. Perspective offers different views of the same issue or event, however, and here is a bit of mine.
As someone who never saw a problem I couldn't fix, including those of the A's, AlAnon is where I started learning the important concept of minding my own business and respecting the journey of others as they discovered their own answers without my 'help'. The request for no CrossTalk during meetings shaped my behavior as well. As it is described on this site:
"Crosstalk means we do not interrupt during shares, give advise, or directly refer to or comment on the details of another member's share, either in our own shares or in our response to theirs. We share only our own personal experience, strength and hope related to the topic."
Even after a meeting, I didn't feel comfortable talking with someone about their share unless it was in the most general terms of appreciation or encouragement.
Additionally, out of respect of the concept of anonymity I avoided asking questions of other members or trying to strike up a conversation with them. I just tried to share ESH if I felt it applicable, smile often, listen intently, and nod in acknowledgement during shares.
I would arrive at meetings exactly on time, and leave immediately after. Despite almost three years of F2F meetings, I probably spoke with less than a dozen people after meetings beyond a genuine "So glad you are here", "Keep coming back".
It was a great relief to find out there were others who had gone through what I had, and more importantly, demonstrated sanity that they had found in the program. But I kept coming back because of the program, for that is where the wisdom comes from. No one can chart my journey of recovery for me, nor I for anyone else. My heart would ache many times as I listened to the challenges faced by others, but I felt it would be invasive and meddling to go beyond telling them they were in the right place, I was glad they were here, and to keep coming back.
My thought was that they must find their way in the Program themselves for it to have power in their lives, what more could I possibly offer? I honestly felt like maintaining my distance was best for everyone: I learned to respect my and others' boundaries, and allowed them to keep the focus on the program.
This is just my thought process and perspective that got me to this point in my recovery. It isn't for everyone, probably not even me as I progress in the program and grow more comfortable with myself and others.
I shared it here because it may provide a different perspective of those, who, like myself, might appear unresponsive or preoccupied. Likely it is because of where we are at (in our recovery, personal life, personality, etc.,), and not about a deficiency or fault in you.
I have experienced my share of loneliness and know that the feeling of isolation is difficult to overcome. Hang in there, know that while we may not all, or always, show the love to you that's in our hearts, we are all with you, at the very least, in spirit.
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
