The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The last 8 months have brought both my AW and I to our own respective recoveries. We are both working our programs, and doing a good job of staying on our side of the street. I'm staying out of her program ... and she out of mine. The dillema, at least as I percieve it today, is that in working our own programs, it doesn't seem to be providing us much time to work on rebuilding our marriage ... or, alternatively, as we are working our programs, we are slowly heading in different directions as we heal.
For much of the past 8 months, my AW has been absent from the home, either because of an extended stint in Inpatient treatment, or serving time in jail as a consequence of choices made while she was in active addiction. During that time, while I was managing all of the things that needed to be done to keep our home functioning, meeting all the needs of our 9 year old daughter, and making time to take care of me, most notably, attending 3-4 F2F meetings per week, working with my sponsor, becoming engaged in therapy, and trying engage in activities and hobbies that I enjoyed ... some new, some that I stopped doing as the disease spiraled out of control in our home over the past 2-3 years. With the alcoholic out of the home, much of the chaos went with it. There was a serenity that set in, and the people in the home (I and my daughter) developed structure and a cadence to living day to day where none existed before now
Now my wife is out of jail and back at home. She is on probation, and been accepted into a program that is offered in our community to repeat OWI offenders that substitutes increased supervision in the community for incarceration. It works in coordination with her probation requirements, but it's an additional level of oversight. Regular meetings with the Judge that oversees the program, random screenings, additional AODA Counseling and Group meetings, more frequent meeting with her PO, on top of her own program of AA meetings, therapy, time with her Sponsor, readings, etc. She also has a full time job, as do I. She is not able to drive, and likely will not be able to for some time. She has taken ownership for her transportation needs by biking, using busses, and getting rides from others in her meetings, other family members, etc. I do help a little, but by and large, I have set the boundary that I will not be her transportation service, and she is honoring it. She asks for help, but doesn't expect, and respects when the answer is no. Slowly though, there is a disruption of the structure that was set over the past 8 months that comes simply from introducing someone new to it. While I wouldn't call our home chaotic, there certainly is lack of a cohesive approach to how the house functions day in and day out. And now there is more to do ... and new needs ... that aren't really being fully considered and integrated into the way the family functions.
Where we seem to be struggling is between her program, her supervision by the courts, her job, my program, my job, and the demands of providing the transportation needs for our daughter and keeping the house running (Shopping, banking, etc), cleaning, house maintenance. There is simply no time left for us as a couple to work on us. Like many Alcoholic households, the alcoholism became the sole focus of eveyone in the house, and became an easy thing to blame everything on. But the reality is, the alcoholism only masked underlying problems, and with recovery in place, I am seeing them clearly, rather than through the fog of the disease, that made it difficult to determine if the problem was a sypmtom of the disease being active in the home, or its own seperate and fundamental relationship issue which was being ignored or forgotten because the chaos the disease created was always the only thing anyone was paying attention to, and/or assuming all that was wrong was tied to that.
There seems to be this natural conflict now ... any attempt to find time to focus on 'us', seems to come at the expense of one or both's recovery program needs. We both seem to be putting our recoveries first. However, as much as this seems like a good thing ... we both need to be healthy to take on the difficult and emotionally charged work of mending broken trust, broken communication, broken understanding of roles, responsibilities and family priorities ... it also feels like we are both drifting away from each other, and the farther we drift, the daunting the task of trying to put 'us' back together seems. The more our priorities seem to become unalligned, the more resentment starts to crop up when one or the other feels like what is important to them is just completely unimportant to the other.
I am curious how others who have been through recovery together have dealt with this dillema of trying to balance the needs of thier own recovery, with the needs of the family when they seem to be in conflict, or not given the priority by one or both in the relationship. I can feel resentment starting to build as I feel as though we don't have the same vision for how the family, house and relationship functions ... and there isn't much of an effort to make working through that a priority.
Aloha David and welcome to the board and I like you post because it reminds me of what was I to expect and then do as my recovery started to gain ground. The fellowship and my sponsor and daily readings of literature and attaching myself with Velcro to my HP garments were what was suggested and what I did. I knew that in regards to alcoholism and recovery from it I was as dumb as a stick a NEWBIE from the get go and recovery wouldn't be easy or fast. I relied upon the feedback from the fellowship regarding how to walk thru the program, "One step, day, success at a time". The fellowship never failed me and was always on hand to listen to my questions and give feedback. The fellowship was the greatest gift HP put in front of me. Acceptance of life on life terms was a huge tool...I didn't have t like it and I could accept it as it was and be willing and patient to be a part of the solutions. Learning to take "small" bites of the problem as I understood the problem at that time was a blessing cause as I was told if I tried to swallow it all at one time it would choke me.
You're in the right place and may be thinning your focus down to manageable size, letting go and letting God step in when you want to scream "We can't do all of this now!!" . That is what worked for me cause I have been in your shoes like this and learning how to turn much over worked wonders. It takes patience, faith, trust, confidence and courage.
What helped me a lot in learning the program was the idea of "Take what you like and leave the rest"...We are not about perfection...which progress we grow a lot. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Thanks so much for your post and I will share up front - I got 'nodda' with where you are in your path. My AH is still active and we appear to live separate lives in the same home, quasi-functional, not aligned.
I can share that I've been at 8 month on both sides of the coin, and my other side included a variety of court mandated activities. It was extremely stressful, and a constant reminder of the damage I had done and a constant source of perpetual shame. When all requirements were complete, I feel like I turned a very, very wide corner and had true freedom.
On this side of the coin, I still had anger, resentments and uncertainty of myself and my recovery.
The best I could do on both sides was to live one day at a time. Keep it as simple as possible and do the next right thing. My hope is another will come along here and give you more directed ESH for your situation, but meanwhile keep doing what you are doing and turn the rest over to your HP!
(((hugs to all)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dave, I hear some really wonderful things going on with the both of you. I would give focus to the your marriage some space to develop as recovery progresses. One day at a time and one thing at a time. I surmise that recovery for you both must be accomplished and your marriage needs should fall into place. Wishing you both much success!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
thank you for your post; I identified with a lot of the things you said.
When the A in my life (my brother) entered a residential treatment centre for an extended period I became used to having the house to myself and settled into a routine. When he returned, I found it very difficult. I was resentful for many reasons but the main one was having to share my house with someone again. It didn't take long for me to become irritable and unreasonable - but I did know it. I knew that I needed Al-Anon - as I was trying to force solutions and bend things to my will my life threatened to start being unmanageable again. My Al-Anon experience showed my the warning signs. I worked steps 1, 2 and 3 over and over. Letting go and applying 'Easy Does It' have helped a great deal.
It's great to read about your recovery and that you are taking care of yourself.
Thanks for the responses ... all perspecitves that are helpful in sorting through what I am feeling and thinking. My Higher Power speaks to me through posts on a forum ... not just through sharings in F2F meetings ... something new to be grateful for
I apologize for the lenght of these posts ... I find it cathartic actually. it's kind of like journaling, with the added benefit that my journal will respond with support, guidance, and WS&H. . With that caveat, read at your own risk ... it's long and bit rambling.
So let me sharpen that which I am wrestling with ...
On Friday evening, my wife and I found ourselves in the rare situation since we both entered recovery, of just talking ... for hours ... like we used to in 'the good old days'. We were great at that ... on a warm summer night, just sitting on our patio after our daughter had gone to bed ... just talking about whatever it was that was on our minds. I didn't realize how much I missed those times. Funny, in hindsight, to think of how there was almost always alcohol involved back then, and it just seemed natural for both of us. In the first half of our marriage to date, it was both of us ... having a beer or two (or more), or a cocktail ... and just enjoying being so connected that we could talk about everything so easily, even stuff that was tough. Over the years though, the dynamics of those carefree summer nights changed ... as the disease progressed, I noticed that more often than not, the conversation that mattered to my AW was just what she wanted to talk about ... and I either never got a word in edgewise, or my perspective was unpalatable to her, and it often led to conflict, and eventually, arguments when I became frustrated when the conversation seemed to become all about her. First I stopped having anything to drink during these conversations, thinking that somehow I was giving her the 'Green light' to drink by having a drink or two myself. I was suprised to find it didn't matter to her if I had a cocktail or not, she lathered up on her beer either way. Then, I stopped 'showing up' for the impromptu bull sessions on the patio, choosing instead to just watch a move, or a ball game, or claim I was too tired from a long day ... and then ... as I found it harder and harder to even be in the house when the first beer got cracked open ... I stopped coming home most nights until I was pretty sure she had passed out, or staggered to bed. I went from loving our time together, to just abhoring being around her if even a single beer had been opened, knowing where that would eventually lead.
So here we were last Friday, both in recovery ... her drinking a diet coke ... me a gatoride ... and talking about all kinds of stuff ... our own recoveries ... our kids ... stuff we want to do with the house ... some funny story from work ... and inside I'm feeling really good because I feel a little bit of what we once had being recaptured. It was NOT a lightning bolt moment ... It wasn't as if I suddenly found myself feeling like I did when we first started dating ... smitten and floating on the pink cloud of recovery that I've read about and also heard about aroudnd the rooms of AlAnon ... but it did feel like progress. It was definetely something I have felt for awhile. After a long time, a conversation like this felt safe, not forced, and not rushed by some other commitment one of us had, or the need to get to bed because tomorrow was a work day, or because we were still too early in recovery to try. At some point, my wife shared a fear she was wrestling with, and had been working on her sponsor with. The fear was that we weren't the same ... and that more to the point that I didn't feel the same about her anymore. She feared I had become distant ... I stopped complimenting her the way I used to ... I seemed uncomfortable with her flirting ... I wasn't 'present', even when we were in the same room.
I was taken off guard at first ... mostly because it had been a long time since we had taken a foray into some of this 'uncomfortable' ground, struggling with trust that we could safely surface something that was bothering us without prompting either an argument or days of uncomfortable silence. But I wasn't taken off guard by WHAT she said. Everything she said was fair ... I was more distant ... I was less inclined to flirt, or to show appreciation for her flirting. While I had been working on being curteous and supportive, I had stopped becoming affectionate. I was aware of all this, and while I was sad that she was hurting and not feeling loved, I also knew that this is where I am right now, emotionally. But I couldn't tell her that.
I did share that I felt that right now, I was focused on my recovery, my job and making sure our daughter was taken care. That I could see her recovery was a huge priority for her too, and that with everything going on, it was hard to carve out time for 'us'. I shared That if one of us was not well the last place that was safe for us as a couple was to be trying to solve deeply rooted, and heavily reinforced relationhip problems. I told her that my hope, and my faith, rest in our recoveries ... and that when we were both ready to work on us, it would be obvioius to both of us ... but that I was not ready. I shared (again) that we needed Couples Counseling (Something she had committed to getting setting up in our Family Discharge Agreement worked out prior to her inpatient recovery discharge) to provide an environment for us both to get the tools we needed to start rebuilding trust, and better, more honest, less emotionally charged, more humble communication tools to be able for both of us to feel getting the other engaged on matters that were important to them. I shared that I was encouraged by her trust to raise her fear in the gentle and non-threatening way that she did. I saw that as a big step, and that I was grateful for it. It was clear though that she didn't get the full throated ... "you're right ... I'm sorry ... Of course I'm still madly in-love ... I need to tend to your needs more ... Lets go to bed now' response I think she was hoping for.
With that as a backdrop, I have spent a great deal of time over the past 36 hours evaluating my side of the street.
I have discovered resentments lying under the surface, like the fact that she has failed to act on getting us into couples counseling. She was adamant she wanted to own that item, and its been 6 months, and she has done little to advance the ball, despite my sharing that for me, it was a critical component to our healing as a couple. Or that I don't feel like I have a partner in sharing the responsibilities of keeping our household running smooth, and that what feels like a disproportionate amount of the work falls on me. I take our daughter to virtually everything she needs to get to. I do most of the cooking ... I do almost all of the grocery shopping ... I handle all the finances ... and there seems to be little respect for much of it. I will do all the laundry for my daughter, fold it, put it baskets and put it at the bottom of the stairs to be put away ... and my wife will just take it upstairs, put it in our daughter's room, and our daughter will pull her clothes out of a hamper each morning as it becomes increasingly more disshevled as the week goes by. I construct detailed budgets, share with her what disposable income we have to spend until the next paycheck comes in and get her feedback on what expenses she has coming up that are unbudgeted and adjust, and then despite that, she spends that and then additionally on whatever she wants, rarely tells me until I find it in our online bank statement and ask about it, and then spend hours trying to figure out how to adust so we can make it to the next paycheck to make up for the unexpected spending. I will spend time cooking meals, only to see the dishes sit in the sink for days until I finally relent, and do them so that I have clean ones for the next meal. I see floors go unswept for days. All of these things I handled when she was in treatment or jail with little or no resentment. But now that she is home, the amount of work to keep up is increased, and her contributions to keeping up are not keeping pace with the increase in work to be done. The last time I raised this, she said 'I don't care about any of that. All it does is stress me out and threatens my recovery. If my house is messy, or dishes are piling up, I'm not isn't going to worry. My Top priority is my recovery'. When I said 'What if these things are important to me?' She responded by saying, basically 'Then do them. That's your thing, not mine'. I don't know how long I can keep going like this, and yet, I don't want to force issues one or both of us aren't ready to try and deal with.
On the flip side, I realize I have expecations I don't communicate, and then become frustrated when they aren't met. I harbor resentment, rather then turning it over to my HP and letting go. I still try to control too much. I lack trust ... not just in my wife, but in my HP. I have boundaries I need to set, and yet I'm afraid to set them, because I am horrible at setting them without making a huge mess. I am not grateful often enough ... for her recovery ... for my own ... for the tools I am learning that make me aware of my part in all this ... for the time we did get last Friday, finding some connection ... something that does provide hope for progress and healing for us as a couple.
Ugh! I sometime miss the days when I knew it all ....
Thanks Jock! I find myself on a Merry-go-round with the first 3 steps ... I just start to think I'm ready to move on, and I suddenly find myself completely unwilling to turn something over, and have to work back to find where I went awry. It's been almost 8 months of it ...
WOW. Thanks for that heartfelt share. I can relate to every word of it EXCEPT that my AW is not in recovery. During parts of your post I really envied that you and your partner were both in recovery. In other parts, I was dismayed that all of her negative behaviors mirror those of my AW.
When I have to deal with ALL of those things, it may even be easier for me because my AW has not yet even admitted to herself that she has a problem. Therefore, with Al-Anon, I am constantly replacing my expectations of her acting in a caring, responsible, respectful manner with with no expectations whatsoever. This has helped me quell the building resentment. I now think of myself as someone who has a debilitating disease and a wife with the same debilitating disease.
I also have a step-daughter that is 2 years into recovery. I was equally dismayed that after a year of progress - getting, keeping and doing well at a job, going to meetings regularly, staying clean, journaling with introspection and deep consideration - many other of her negative behaviors had not changed a bit. When challenged with any of them, she would also state unequivocally and unapologetically that her focus was on her and her recovery (clearly believing that her reactive nature and treatment of others was not part of that recovery).
My takeaway from those experiences with her is that addiction IS a debilitating illness. For her, just doing the things I mentioned above takes everything she can muster. I can't judge her for that. It's not personal. It's a simple fact. I have to detach with love. I help her when she truly needs it and tell her I love her and congratulate her on the things in which she is doing well. When I feel pain as a result of an interaction, I back away and examine my motives and expectations. Recovery for her will be a lifelong journey, but I have faith that she will slowly address more issues as she is able.
Lately I have been thinking quite a bit about the 12 "steps". This is something that has always bugged me about any "programs" that I studied when looking for ways to find relief for myself.
"So...if I do these 12 steps I'll be cured, right?" ~ "Uh...yeah...sure - right as rain."
I've finally put the "steps" into a perspective that makes sense to me. It's not the ONLY perspective I use, but it's an important one for me.
I try to consider all my "issues" (and there are many) as small strips on a near continuum. Some things I handle very poorly, others I handle better. Their place on the continuum signifies their severity (perceived potential to do damage to me or others i.e. how big a deal it is). However, the amount of effort I put into working on them is not based on their severity, but on my awareness of them at any given time.
I can be at varying levels of progress regarding the "steps" on any given issue, however, that level can rise or fall based on any given instance of the issue. I can do well with an issue in one instance, then poorly with the same issue in another. I can do well with an issue with one relationship, but poorly in another.
I can THINK I'm doing well on an issue, only to have it rear up and take a chunk out of my soul when least expected.
And of course, I can THINK I have step 4 in the bag, only to realize that while taking my moral inventory I neglected an entire warehouse of S%$T from 1982 and I have to add the entire contents to the continuum.
So basically, the whole thing jumps up and down like an equalizer blasting Manheim Steamroller's Christmas album, Holst's The Planets and ABBA's Dancing Queen at the same time.
My point is this (finally) - as far as I can tell, it's a LONG HAUL, and IMHO there is no "US" until there is a healthy "you" and a healthy "her" and the only one you can work on is you, and it appears you are doing a great job. Keep it up!
Sorry if this was too preachy. I might need to add an issue (or 5).
-- Edited by almostThere on Tuesday 9th of June 2015 01:57:02 AM
I acted like a lazy child for a couple years into my recovery. It was so used to living in my own filth and I was so selfish that I had no problem letting other people handle all of the lion's share of work in being a relationship and sharing a house. What her egocentric alcoholic self does not realize yet is that part of her sobriety and recovery IS about pulling up her big girl panties and acting like a grown up. Doing dishes, cleaning, and splitting ADULT chores 50/50 IS part of her recovery. Using the..."Oh if I do anything stressful, I might relapse" card is wimpy and a sign of crappy recovery and ongoing manipulation. She is new in recovery still so she may come to these realizations in time. It took me time. In the meanwhile, it sounds like you have a good program going on. More will be revealed for you and her...
I had honestly intended to cease posting for a while to gain clarity on myself and my situation, but here you are...hitting the nail on the head! Thank you! This is the "elephant" in he room at my house right now too.
AH and I both went to see our respective psych Drs yesterday (his is specifically for Alcohol abuse and mine for multiple issues), they are in the same office, but we even drove separate cars...sad I know.
Anyway, without chronicling the entire day, we can surely note that we are having personal issues dealing with both of our recovery. Thank God I stood my ground and said he could behave anyway he pleased and that was fine, but I would not allow him to treat me like a doormat any longer....drinking or not (among other things). I tried so very hard to stick to the Al Anon way of dealing with it and hopefully stayed on target.
He brought the issue to his sponsor last night and came home excited again for the first time in a long time (even though we have planned a family vacation for the first time in over 15 years). His sponsor sent me word to read the big book chapters 8 & 9 and said he would gather some resources for me to help tool. He also validated AH's feelings and frustrations. Apparently AH has been very very irritated and frustrated lately with even the smallest thing that never bothered him before.
After telling his sponsor that things "never" bothered him in the past, his sponsor said "well of course not...your brain was pickled" and then went on to explain how the brain was waking up and having to learn how to deal with new things...like emotions. It was eye opening for both my AH and I and I am so proud that he talked to someone...even though it wasn't me (which used to make me crazy jealous). Now I am happy for him to seek out others and happy for some me time.....which is rare because I do everything,,,like you...around the house, with the budget, the cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, dishes, dogs, child....you name it.
Thank you for bringing up this topic. It has been preying on my mind so much because I was afraid there will be no us left when the healing has really occurred and now I have some hope. Apparently my AH's sponsor is very very used to being asked this question and more than willing to explain to people like us.
I pray we all come out of this stronger and better people and tnat we all end up happier and more stable than we were when we began. I honestly feel like this is a very real part of the process, but I honestly can't say much from there because I am in the same place, working the same program as you. If I find additional information or resources, I will pass them on to you if you like. It will likely be after Thursday though because AH travels for work and won't be home until Wed night.
What a great share!! It so reminded me of when I first came to Al-anon and then the second lol Although, I came in as a "friend" to my ex-A. We were not together at the time. The second time we were. I could never quite nail what was wrong with "our" relationship until he was clean. I came in knowing I had to be crazy to live this way lol
My ex-A's family uses denial. I would just watch in awe as the elephant would pass through the room and no one "noticed" or pretended they didn't notice!!!
My family definitely did not use denial as a coping mechanism, however they would fight about the issues and not move into problem solving as fast as a healthy family. The divide and conquer strategy.
Well guess what our relationship problem was ... I would want to work through a problem and he would deny it existed.
After I had been in Al-anon, I started to set boundaries. He moved from denial. .... Then guess what the problem was I would want to set relationship boundaries .... He would deny there was an issue.
Same dance over and over and what a dysfunctional dance it was .... lol
I just listened to a speaker who discussed the same things online about the marriage regarding the program. Her name was Mary P.
Didn't find it preachy at all ... actually a very interesting perspective! I'm very analytical, so the concept speaks to me. Funny thing ... one of my first thoughts as I was studying your chart and contemplating it was ... 'It needs a pivot table to show blah blah blah ... And then I could chart it by month, and create progress trendlines and aggretate the results by step and issue ...' I have heard some say character defects are simply unmanaged or mis-applied character assets. I can over analyze anything which makes me good at my job, and horrible in some relationship situations.
Thanks for the suggestion of the Speaker. This is one of the AlAnon resources I have not yet tapped into ... speaker tapes, videos, etc. I really need to start ... sounds like Mary P has some perspective I would benefit from hearing.
Yeah, I'm an analytical too, and I could chart myself into "analysis paralysis" very easily if I let myself. My little graphic is as far as I want to take it though. It's just a concept realization diagram that I made while I was responding to your post so that I could continue to work through my compulsion to try to dash to the 12th step as I've always done with anything that has defined goals. I just needed to get a grip on the fact that I will never be completely done, and why exactly that is. I'm not about to chart my progress in reality though. I'll leave it to the HP to keep tabs. This is success I want to feel, not measure.
I can very much relate to your story here. My A and myself struggle each and every day to find the balance of having a marriage. Most days it's an epic fail because he too is under the thumb of the courts, he has his recovery routine, his work routine, his self-care routine and generally all his self stuff takes precedence over a marriage. The focus is still on him very much so and he has been sober over a year now. He is extremely happy to announce to everyone in every group that he is doing great and spends about 8 hours a week with me on the weekend and much of that time is interrupted with his sponsor, recovery buddies, homework for probation etc. I find myself angry, resentful and sick of him. This is where our marriage counselor has come to our rescue. He has spoken at length to my A about Marriage and Recovery have the same level of need. If you want to be married, you better put forth the effort to make the time to be married, if you wish to be off on your own, concentrating strictly on yourself and your needs, then don't be married. The fundamental relationship issue we have is that my A has always been extremely self centered, selfish, behaving as if entitled to anything and everything, immature etc. I have always been the parent to him, the bread winner, the strength and entirely to giving. The last couple of weeks I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on my marriage and asking is this really how I want to spend all my time, being alone and doing everything for myself and most of everything for us while being in a marital relationship which I feel should be egalitarian or just cut my losses and because I am for all practical purposes living a single life, why not just move all the way into the single realm.
Many people will say to focus on your recovery, self care, needs etc first and worry about the rest later. From my experience it just doesn't work out to good like that when you are married and our marriage counselor tells us that also. When you have taken the commitment of marriage, you have to be a grown-up and take the focus off of yourself, your needs, your everything and place it in the marriage and now with the tools of recovery, the knowledge, there are no more excuses. If you don't wish to do that, then don't be married, it is that simple. I keep relying on someone here as well on this board who reminds me many times that it takes awhile for the "man-child" to grow up. (Thanks Pink) In our relationship nothing is the same, yet everything is exactly the same on so many fronts, we are different people now, but yet so much the same and his sobriety introduced both of us to many different ways of thinking, new ways of behaving, however sometimes it's exactly as it was in the using days. It's baffling :) So when I struggle with our issues, I lean on the boards here, my program, my faith and all the literature I can get my hands on and try to practice understanding, empathy, acceptance while keeping my boundaries in place. Hang in there, more is always revealed as we trudge on.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
... In our relationship nothing is the same, yet everything is exactly the same on so many fronts, we are different people now, but yet so much the same and his sobriety introduced both of us to many different ways of thinking, new ways of behaving, however sometimes it's exactly as it was in the using days. It's baffling :) ...
That is so well put! I think its because while we have different ways of thinking and behaving, so many of the issues we had while she was active in her addiction were simply masked by it, or I assumed they were the product of the disease. Now the active disease is gone, but many of those underlying issues are still there, and sticking out like a sore thumb without the disease isn't masking them anymore. At some point, in our marriage at least, we need to tackle them together. Until then, it just feels like we are really good friends, and decent roommates ... but not partners. It makes me sad sometimes ... other times angry ... mostly I just accept it for what it is that day, and when the time comes to address it square on, I trust that our HP's will be sure we know it. To use one of the most overused cliché's in the book ... 'It is what it is'.
