The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Living almost 20 yrs with an alcoholic meant I suppressed many things, I'm sure you can relate. I suppressed emotions like anger and I suppressed many of my needs until I no longer needed them. After a short time in Alanon, anger started seeping out of me, almost uncontrollable anger. It came out in a rush that surprised me and then it calmed and it passed. It was as if I had allowed a wall to come down or a gate within me to open.
Well, its happened again. This time its sex, or its my sexual desires or Im not sure what to call it but I've woken up and again its surprised me. Its came in a rush and I think it will pass again. Its not really about relationships, if that make sense. I'm good with relationships in my life. Ive got great friends, family relationships are good for the first time in years. Its just about being desired, wanted, passion its not really got much depth about it. I feel as if Ive got time to make up for. As if Im a teenager again experimenting with this part of me that I have denied existed for years.
As a woman, I realise this doesn't sound like the norm. There are names Ive heard for women that are interested in sex but not relationships. Should I be ashamed of where Im at? I dont feel ashamed, I feel human.
I feel like Im in a different place right now to almost anyone I know. Im not looking for the getting to know you type of thing where it builds up and is all slow and I know that makes me different but it is what it is right now. I want what I want right now. Ive got to get something out my system. I dont know, Im looking for someone to understand, another woman to just say, yes I get that Ive been there. I think I will get to that place where Im like right lets get to know someone but I feel Im on a journey and Im not sure whose will Im in. I think its mine. Would my higher power want this for me? Is this joy? is this living fully? I dont know? Is there only joy to be found in the deep stuff? because Im just not there yet. Thanks for reading, feel better already.x
I think there are plenty of women out there that are looking for casual relationships and sexual intimacy, but because there is a double standard on women and their sexual practices, you won't find many openly discussing it. One of my sponsees is a guy in his late 40s and I think he would really like to find a nice girlfriend to be in a committed relationships with, but all he can find are divorced women who only want to have casual relationships, sex, and don't want to "go there again" in terms of a commitment as it turned out negative for most of them the first go round.
I was older when i got married 28 almost 29 so i had
More than sowed my wild oats. I had plenty of quick
Relationships that were not much in the long run they only
Caused me pain and self worth and self esteem. They
Were not healthy or satisfying. I was also unhealthy
So then i married and saw a different way to live and
Behave it was so much more enjoyable and better all
The way Around being in a committed relationship.
Then my marriage tanked but i think the next go
around for me will be in a few years down the road
And only be sex in a very committed relationship. I have
Walked the other walk it does something to your
Soul. Just my two cents and life experiences.
Well I'm Not Currently in this Situation and Have been Married for what Seems Like Forever...lol HOWEVER :)
Before that I Could Completely Understand where you are Coming From, I too had Needs I Felt Needed Met, and Sex was indeed One of them and I Didn't want all the Complicated ICK that came with Getting to Know someone, and I Had a Relationship with a Fellow Like you Described and Funny thing... It Worked GREAT... :) I Was VERY Honest about where the relationship was Going And WHY...
And its Just My Take, but for Me it worked great, Mainly because I Didn't "Pretend" to make it Anything More then it was, and He Respected the Fact that I wasn't Ready to Jump In with Both Feet and Have this "Imaginary" Relationship I wasn't Ready for...
I was Never one to Take to Much Stock in what Others thought of Me, and their was Many that Had an Opinion on My Choices, but that was On them... And to Be Completely Honest, I'm still Friends with this Fellow today, we can Talk and Chat and we both have Our own Families now, and Life is Good... No Regrets...
I Never Understood the Difference when it came to Men Verses Women... Men do things like that All the time in my Area, but when Women do they bet Labeled, WELP... the Way I See it, God Made us Equal on All Levels... Including having our Needs Met :)
I Say if it helps you heal and Your Honest about what it is, I See no Problem with what ever you Choose to do... I don't know if this Helps but I Hope you know you are Not Alone in these feelings, and good for you for Talking about it.... I do not envy Anyone left to Start over in a Relationship.... Took me almost 2yrs to admit to my Husband I Cared about him, AT ALL... I Just wanted to make sure I Was Ready, Honesty Sometimes for me can be brutal, but I'd rather have Honesty then Lies :)
Keep Being You... Please Take what you Like and Leave the Rest....
(((Elcee))) - I too was older when I married (round 2) and had more than my share of 'fun'....I am at a place right now where sex and sexual intimacy is very low on my priorities, as it's been so unpleasant with an A for so long...
My current mantra is that I won't ever get married again!! That might change, but that's where I am right now. I have learned through working the program that casual sex for me (when I was younger) didn't work well as my brain attaches sex with love and/or commitment. So, for me, at that age/stage - it didn't feel as good as I wanted it to.
I agree with pinkchip that there are many women who don't want more than casual sex in their life(s). I also agree that it's a difficult subject for many because of perceptions.
I've come to learn in this program for me anything that looks/feels like immediate gratification often is just that - a momentary 'high' that then leads back to the here and now. I had a sponsee discussing this with me just Saturday, and my question for her was, "Are you comfortable with the worst thing that could happen if it happens?" (she's got more to her story) I also asked her is her self-esteem could handle the encounter and possible feelings of rejection.
It just made her think about things differently - I passed no judgement and offered no solution. Just questions to help with the decision on the next right thing.
Hang in there and work your program. We support you and are here for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
LC I do believe I understand what you're saying, and although I'm in a committed relationship for over 27 years-- It has been one day at a time, with the focus on myself and my needs, and with no strings attached.I even stopped seeing this person for over 3 years during the height of my Son's insanity and then when he passed we reconnected.
When I started dating again, I did not want to be involved in one night stands. because of the fear of STDs. Early on, I made it clear that I would never remarry and that I wanted a partnership of equals. It takes some doing, but is well worth it.
I believe that you are listening to your inner voice and trusting your instincts, learning how to take care of ourselves in a partnership is extremely important. I see nothing wrong with your intent
I certainly don't buy into any nonsense about women being "wrong" for seeking purely physical relationships, whatever floats your boat. In fact I had a friend a few years ago who had a string of casual admirers that she saw. She seemed to genuinely just enjoy herself and have no want or need for emotional intimacy with a partner. I wished I could be like her in fact. I felt like I was enslaved by my miserable love for ABF and she was free and awesome.
I know I am 99.99999% sure I don't ever want to have a committed relationship again. So I figure casual flings will be in my future at some stage if I ever become motivated to seek them out. But when you say you want to be desired, yes, I sure get that. But I know for me it's still at a very unhealthy stage because when I envision it, I envision myself with all of the power, being detached and kind of mean to some poor sap who is really into me...lol. I'm so not ready yet.
I know you'll make good choices, whatever you decide to do
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 8th of June 2015 01:37:35 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
El-cee, I think it is wonderful that you are talking about this! I too had time to sow my "wild" oats and having been married now two times, I can honestly say that both marriages have not been sexually satisfying at all. There were other times in my life when I did experience blissful satisfaction, but now that I am in my 60's it has not been something that I feel unfulfilled about. But there were times when I did feel unfullfilled and can totally relate. I think everyone has to do what they gotta do!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Elcee you really sound like you know what you want and will continue creating a happy, joyous and free life in ways that work for best for you. When I no longer lived with an active A, I entered a new world of new people and experiences. That freedom has allowed me to explore and make discoveries about myself. You deserve the best you can give yourself and no one knows better what that looks like for you than you do. Keep taking care of you. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
