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ExAH sent me a txt this morning asking to have daughter for a sleep over on Monday after school. I explained to hi that she already had plans with a friend for Monday and she didn't want to cancel it. I reminded him that if he tell me as soon as he can the days he will be available to have daughter I will make sure she will be free (he usually know his rota on Friday morning so I don't know why he waited until today to ask for Monday) but we agreed he would pick her up on Tuesday from school and bring her later.
Anyway, later in the day daughter decided to call him and ask him to come and pick her up today for a sleep over. He agreed and said (to me) that he was just leaving work and he would arrive at 6.30pm latest 7pm. Of course she got all excited and got ready. I made her a bag with the school uniform for the following day.
When it was 7:10 there was no sign of him so she wanted to call. I told her to put the phone on loudspeaker and warned her that if he wasn't on his way or close to get here I would cancel the whole thing. As soon as he answered I knew he had been drinking (surprise, surprise). He was leaving the bar at that moment and told her he wouldn't be long. I immediately snatched the phone of her and told him not to bother coming anymore. He tried to argue but I stopped talking and put my phone on silent. After 40 minutes he was downstairs buzzing my entry phone and I put that in silence too. Somehow he managed to enter the building and started to knock on my door. I totally ignored and didn't let daughter open it either.
He finally went, but left a ton of voice mails and txt messages saying how unreasonable and harsh I am, how I changed the plans last minute and got upset just because he was 'a little but late', how I am breaking my word to never stop daughter seeing him, how much of a drama queen I am and how I did it all on purpose to keep destroying his life.how he said he would be here 'half past 7' and how the train was delayed making him lateblahblahblah
I sent a txt telling him that I didn't change the plansdaughter asked him to change the plans and he agreedhe could have said 'no' and happily go and drink without worrieshe can't put the blame on me for the mess he created...also told him in no certain terms that his lies won't work anymore. I am not going to play his game. He lied and he decided to put the bottle first so he lost the right to have daughter with him tonight. It is the consequence of his actions. If he wants to have any relationship with daughter he will have to act with responsibility and respect. His lies will not work anymore. I don't trust him and daughter is quickly losing her trust in him too.
Of course daughter was upset, crying and blaming me, but I calmly explained to her that we have to teach people how to treat us and she shouldn't have to put up with people lying to her, disrespecting her and putting the alcohol above her. If she lets people get away with walking all over us and breaking their promises it will juts get worse. Her dad needed to learn this lesson. Besides he would probably get home and fall asleep within 5 minutes leaving her alone in front of the TV. I will not let him mess up with our lives and will avoid the dysfunction at all costs.
A very tiny bit of me tells me that I over reacted, he was not THAT drunk and just a bit late. I shouldn't have let daughter suffer and stopped her from seeing her dad tonight. But a big part of me is icy cold and righteous and believes that daughter's suffering is necessary for her to see the disease and learn sooner rather then later how to deal with it. I won't cover up or pretend everything is ok for his sake anymore.
Still don't know what will happen on Tuesday.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Hello Luiza It sounds to me as if you have checked your motives and they were reasonable I believe that you stood by your prinicples and placed these principles above personalities (your own, your exs and your daughter's) and acted in a constructive manner Living by principles is not always easy but I have found it is a valued guide. Glad you shared here.
Hello It sounds as if you were keeping your daughter safe. She has one parent who behaves in a responsible manner. If he sounded like he was leaving the bar, chances that he could not have ensured her safety. Good for you, Mom.
He used to do it every single Sunday when we were together, the only day we could sit together as a family and eat a meal. He would tell me not to cook because he would bring food from work and cook it at home. We would wait and wait, hungry, and ending up having dinner very late because he always stopped in the bar first even after promising time and time again he would come straight home. My daughter would be waiting and I would be making excuses for him and not challenge him once he was home just for the sake of having "harmony" for our daughter...I would call him to see when he would be in and he would say "in the next half an hour" and it would be 2 hours or more.
I am not going to let this happen again. And unfortunately my daughter will learn the hard way.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
