The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
he said he would quit drinking but he is just telling me what I want to hear. I don't know why I thought he would come through for me this time. I thought being in the mental ward was a slap in the face wake up call but he's just going through the motions. That's all he's ever done. He had a gig at the county fair yesterday afternoon at 2:45. Its now 2:22am and I haven't heard a word from him. Since I told him he could only be here if he didn't drink, he seems to think it's fine to just not come home if he drinks. There's no way he's not drinking. It's the only explanation. He won't drive his car if he thinks he might be legally drunk so he just sleeps in his car or at a friends house and doesn't bother to call. If I was ever that inconsiderate there would be hell to pay but I'm just supposed to accept it! We have a Sunday gig every week and I will have to make nice for the sake of the gig and I am furious. I'm sure he'll show up around 11:30 all hey babe. I could scream!
-- Edited by JukuVee on Sunday 7th of June 2015 04:37:22 AM
That was the kind of experience that led me to step 1 again and again. If an alcoholic is not actively working a formal program of recovery ... then he's drinking. We can set our watches by it.
I don't know what your Sunday gig is, but I would consider whether you'd continue to do whatever it is on Sundays with some acquaintance or co-worker if he had turned up drunk or let you down badly. I think in a case like that, most of us would know that the situation was unsustainable and that we couldn't comfortably be around that acquaintance or co-worker any more. That's the consequence he'd just have to face for being so unreliable. Lots of times we imagine we're more tied to our A's than we really are. So that's just something to consider.
I also had a thought while reading your comment "If I was ever that inconsiderate there would be hell to pay but I'm just supposed to accept it!" I'm not sure there's any real "supposed to" even from an A, there's just cause and effect. If you do accept it, then he's correct in thinking he can induce you to do that. If you don't accept it, sure he'll push back because he wants his old crazy habits without consequences - but it's entirely within your power to decide whether he gets them or not. He's just hoping you'll be okay with it. Sounds like you aren't! Which no one but a crazy A could blame you for.
Hope you'll take good care of yourself. These are crazy infuriating circumstances all right.
JukuVee Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested and never cured. We are powerless over the effects of this disease and the best we can do is develop new tools so as not to be destroyed by the insanity.
Becoming angry, resentful and filled with self-pity, are all self-defeating negative reactions to living with the disease. Attending Al-Anon meetings helped me to develop the ability to accept life on life's terms, regardless of whether I liked it or not, and then helped me to decide how I wanted to respond and not react to the situation.
One day at a time, focused on my own mental health and serenity helped me to get through difficult situations.
JukuVee - so sorry for the feelings that you have. This disease is so cunning and baffling and powerful - it drives those afflicted to insanity as well as those around them.
The program has given me the tools to manage my side of the street (actions, reactions, emotions) when things go different than I want/planned. Of course, I'm (slowly at times) working hard to realize that my plans and expectations are misaligned and I must rely on a power greater than myself for my continued peace of mind and serenity.
F2F meetings and the literature combined with a sponsor and program friends have helped me walk through unimaginable situations with my sanity and grace. Glad you are here - keep coming back and know you are not alone!
Take care of you today and turn the rest over....what have you got to loose?
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I found that trying to control the alcholic is unproductive because, an alcholic has to recognize and decide for themselves that there is a problem and seek help, it has to be their decision. When I tried to control my AH it only put me in a position of enabling, it gave him all the more reason to fail and drink, causing more chaos and anxiety. Detaching with love and empathy saved my sanity ... "Let go and let God".
-- Edited by Debb on Sunday 7th of June 2015 09:09:31 AM
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Hello newcomer~It took me about a year of alanon to realize that for all my efforts over 20 yrs, and all the promises from my A, that I will never have control over someone else. Now finishing my second year of alanon, I am learning to let it go, and focus on myself. When I focused on my A, I got alot of things: anger, resentment, fury, gave ultimatums, became depressed, obsessed, miserable, and this is the short list! I'm getting better, and it takes effort and committment, but if you follow through for yourself, you will feel better and be able to figure out your life. Keep coming back, Lyne
That was the kind of experience that led me to step 1 again and again. If an alcoholic is not actively working a formal program of recovery ... then he's drinking. We can set our watches by it.
I don't know what your Sunday gig is, but I would consider whether you'd continue to do whatever it is on Sundays with some acquaintance or co-worker if he had turned up drunk or let you down badly. I think in a case like that, most of us would know that the situation was unsustainable and that we couldn't comfortably be around that acquaintance or co-worker any more. That's the consequence he'd just have to face for being so unreliable. Lots of times we imagine we're more tied to our A's than we really are. So that's just something to consider.
I also had a thought while reading your comment "If I was ever that inconsiderate there would be hell to pay but I'm just supposed to accept it!" I'm not sure there's any real "supposed to" even from an A, there's just cause and effect. If you do accept it, then he's correct in thinking he can induce you to do that. If you don't accept it, sure he'll push back because he wants his old crazy habits without consequences - but it's entirely within your power to decide whether he gets them or not. He's just hoping you'll be okay with it. Sounds like you aren't! Which no one but a crazy A could blame you for.
Hope you'll take good care of yourself. These are crazy infuriating circumstances all right.
This is one of the things that makes it so difficult. Part of my livelihood is tied up with him. We have been playing music together in various bands and as a duo for our entire relationship. It's not just for fun. We depend on our income as musicians. The Sunday gig we do is an open jam. We bring all the gear: Drum set, bass, guitar, ukuleles, PA System etc and people come to play music with us. It's really difficult around here to make money as a musician these days and not very many people have steady gigs where they play every weekend So we are lucky to have it and would be crazy to quit. We can't make ends meet financially without our gigs. He is also in another band that I'm not in. He didn't drink at our Sunday gig so I was thankful for that. I don't have anyone else that I would be able to do this with and I can't do it by myself. I am working on a plan to do solo music therapy type gigs with just me and my ukulele at retirement homes and hospices, hospitals and care facilities during the day so that I have more to fall back on but it will take me a while to get it together. That is one of the things I'm trying to do for myself.
