The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that it is my own stubbornness and hard-headedness that have made my journey longer and more painful, but I'm grateful now that I've experienced a bit of progress lately since I retired and started attending more meetings and devoting more time to my own recovery - that I was powerless was always obvious, having failed in ANY attempts to make my son's situation better, but I wasn't really able to accept it - I kept trying - now, I'm able to not only see that I am powerless, but I have accepted that I'm truly powerless over my adult son (and most other things), and I've been able to detach with love - my son's situation as well as his mental health (alcohol and substance issues, as well as (I believe) depression), has worsened, and having him tell me that he's "just waiting to die" hasn't added to my quality of life one bit - I'm not predicting the future or getting into any negative thinking here, but maybe God is speaking to me when I've heard several folks share about how their deceased alcoholics \ addicts were spared from any further pain and suffering - not the outcome that I'd hope for, of course, but I guess that sometimes it works out like that - I never thought that I'd be able to say this, but I think I'm even willing to accept that, too.
I know that my progress is pretty much separate from any progress or lack of progress in my son's life ("changed attitudes can aid recovery" - CAN, not will), and I know that it's his life not mine and that he has to live his life, but can anyone share any thoughts about how do deal with the pain and sadness that I'm feeling, even though I'm doing what I'm supposed to do? I stay busy, I go to A LOT of meetings, I talk to my sponsor and other Al Anon friends, and whenever I find myself heading into a dark place, I immediately start praying and getting busy, but wow, I feel like I am carrying a burden that's weighing me down to the extent that it's becoming all consuming again - almost like when I was just starting out in Al Anon - kinda like I'm doing what I should be doing, but it's not getting any better for me - thanks in advance for any thoughts.
((((Texas Yankee,)))), being the parent of an alcoholic child is extremely difficult and painful. Working the program, acceptance and powerlessness did help me to stop trying to fix it, but it did not do away with the sadness. I do believe I accepted the fact that I would walk with the sadness and stay in the moment and where my feet were and occasionally I would feel joy and happiness and serenity.
My son did die from this disease, and the sadness is still deep within,mixed with gratitude to HP for taking him home . I will hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers
I have two sons who are both inflicted with this disease. They are young and we've all be battling their demons for almost 10 years now.
I have been where you are - the incredible sadness over watching your child suffer. I have good days and bad days and good/bad moments in days.
All I've been able to do for relief is exactly as what is suggested.
I get up each day, I start my day with prayer, meditation and program. I continue that all day as much as possible, and surround myself with those who love me. I set up boundaries to protect myself, which includes them not living with me. I will help them recover any way possible but I will not help them die.
I am fortunate that my sponsor is also a counselor. She knows me well and helps me more than she knows. I will use any tool available to get 'out of sadness' if possible. Other times, I just have to go through it.
This week has been very tough as my youngest son decided he is well and can use again. So, he's doing his thing, and I evicted him - imposed my boundary. Anytime you put a child out, it's sad. When you know they might die based on their choices, AND you put them out - it's a heart-ripping, gut-wrenching pain that feels worse than anything else. He is young (21), depressed and suicidal; he has refused all help from me at this point.
I am sorry for your pain and wish more than anything this disease wasn't quite so powerful and destructive. Recovery is possible, ,but it only works when they want it. We can want it, wish for it, etc. but they must want it.
I remind myself often that I love my son, I hate his disease. Keep working your program and peace will come. The sadness diminishes with time and ebbs/flows based on other events for me. The month of May is very difficult as it includes graduations, graduation parties, mother's day, etc. I did not get to see either of mine graduate and they haven't recognized mother's day ever (My husband is also an A).
My best suggestions are to just stay close to your program, program friends, sponsor and do your best each day - relief and even happiness do happen mixed in with moments of sadness.
(((hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks, all, for the words of experience, strength, and most importantly, HOPE ! I was visiting my older son and his family this weekend - he's a normal guy with a job, a wife, and two kids - my son and his wife have a strong faith, and we talked about his younger brother's situation - of course, they didn't have any magic suggestions, but they pretty much confirmed what I already knew - yeah, it sucks, but WE can't change my son's situation - God is in charge here, and we simply have to stand back, STAY OUT OF GOD'S WAY, and hope that His approach works better than anything that I tried to do - things that ALL failed completely.
I am considering a quick, unannounced trip, to see my son - I haven't seen him in two years and I want so say goodbye. If he died or killed himself, I think my grief would be easier to bear if I at least had a chance to tell him one last time that I love him. At this point, I'm undecided about making the trip - any thoughts ?
I'm not sure I understood what you meant, Betty - on the one hand, I said that I need to stay out of God's way - and then on the other hand, I'm talking about making a quick trip to see my son, without any expectations, to tell him maybe one last time that I love him, and to offer an apology \ amend for not detaching sooner - for not giving him the dignity to live his own life and make his own decisions.
LOL, what'd you mean by my decision being a valid one ?
In your last posting, you asked for thoughts on your decision regarding visiting your son. I heard you say that you were considering visiting your son and telling him you loved him ---. That was the decision that I thought was valid.
Thanks for clarifying - I have learned to not trust my first inclinations - I ask people what they think - I pray for guidance - thanks for your guidance.
Prayers for you as you contemplate the journey. I too hope you keep coming back - be good to you and (((hugs)))...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I guess I am making progress, because rather than just jump into going on this trip, I've been thinking and praying about it and talking with Al Anon friends - and the more I look at it, I am thinking that a making a phone call would be better than taking a trip to visit my son - better for both of us - less disrupting for him, less intrusive for him, and it'd avoid me seeing things I probably don't wanna see if I were to go there in person. And, in spite of me being VERY good at convincing myself of whatever it is I want to justify, THIS time I caught myself and didn't just jump into it - even though I had made a pretty convincing argument (to myself) to go to see him.
Now that I think about it some more, I guess that almost all of me wanting to go there (or call him on the phone), was about what I wanted and what I was trying to do for me - even though I had convinced myself that I wasn't still trying to control things with him, even though I wasn't explicitly trying to change the situation, I was hoping that what I was going to do would ultimately bring about a change in his situation - how long is it gonna take me to get it?
I guess if he wanted to talk with me, he'd call me - I guess if he'd reached a point where the pain he's in has driven him to make a change, if he wanted a better life, he'd make a change - so I'm back to where I was - realizing that it's up to him, and him alone, to make any changes in his life - it's not my right to try and do it for him - if I even had the ability to change him or his life - I'm still powerless - I need a noon meeting, and then I need a long bike - the normal ride won't do it for me today.
