The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My six year old son had some disturbing questions for me yesterday.
He has recently been more keenly aware of the fights my ah and I have. He is also totally aware of how one-sided they are. "Mommy how come when you fight it's just daddy yelling at you and you just telling him okay and you're sorry and crying?"
Anyway, I have noticed that anytime we have a fight (and of course I try not to let this happen in front of him but I cannot keep my ah from yelling at me any place he chooses) he gets very fearful for my safety he also wants to immediately go and talk to daddy- shown him a picture he drew or something. He wants to make sure everything is good and I feel that he is already showing co-dependent behavior since even in his fear and anger he feels like he has to go make daddy okay.
So yesterday were driving in the car and he came right out and asked me "what if daddy ever accidentally hurt me?" And I was like " what do you mean?" And he said "what if he ever got angry and accidentally hurt me? Or you?"
So of course I asked him why he thought that would ever happen, and he said he didn't know he was just scared of it.
So I pointed out that daddy had never hurt him (he has hurt me on three occasions) and that I didn't think he has to worry about daddy hurting him. He continued to press about what would happen and what I would do. So I asked him what he thought I would do. He said he thought I would make him go out in the woods and sit in a stream.
I just tried to kep it light and said that mommys job is to protect him and if anyone hurt him then we wouldnt have to live with them anymore.
He then said "if daddy hurts me can't we just give him another chance? I don't think just sending him away would be the right thing to do."
Geeze! What on earth do I do with that? I don't think ah would ever hurt my son, but I can see where he might do it to me again, and I am not staying if he does. And neither is my son.
My hope is that if something does happen, he'll change his mind about that not being right but I don't know. I'm terrified of my son blaming me for our eventual split.
I have lived with the physical violence, fear, and not knowing how much my daughter knew or how it was affecting her. My decision making was so screwed up, I didn't want to leave because I couldn't afford a place by myself near her school, I didn't want to make her live somewhere crappy, I didn't want her to hate me, I was really constantly trying to guess at what my child might want so that I could use that as my guidepost. Which was absurd when i look back because she is a child and I am an adult and if I don't know what to do and I'm looking for HER to make the choices (I don't mean by asking her, I mean by scrutinising her words and actions and trying to interpret what she wants) I am creating the most unstable environment I possibly could! It's bad enough to be wanting to protect us from harm but then on top of that, making all of our decisions based on what emotions they appear to be displaying...am I making any sense?
When I made the decision to stay away from the abuse and start a new life daughter was angry at first (we live in a crappy house) and she was difficult for a while but it gets better and better and she no longer tries to parent me or protect me as she once did; I sense that she instead trusts me and feels safe with me knowing that I am making the decisions, they are good decisions based on safety and practicality and not my own uncertain emotions. If she blames me sometimes, that's OK, I'm a grown up and I can take it. It's better. I feel solid as a parent and I know it's much, much better for her now. Neither of us have any reason to be afraid and we can deal with the other stuff that comes up calmly and rationally.
I think if you remain in a dangerous situation and your son knows you did it just so he wouldn't hate you or blame you, that's probably a lot more of a worry than if he goes through a period of blaming you for leaving his dad. That's something he will get over when he's old enough to know better, if it happens at all.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 6th of June 2015 05:10:58 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hi Penny Jenny, your small son sounds like a very wise intelligent observant young man. It is apparent that you have nurtured him well and he feels comfortable asking deep questions. Children are very aware and seem to see the reality of the situation very clearly. I know I did as a child but when I mentioned it to parents I was told I was mistaken and incorrect in my observations and conclusions. I congratulate you for discussing the issue openly.
I do believe you are living in a dangerous situation for yourself and your child, and exploring alternate possibilities would be best
Assuring a small child that they are safe is crucial to their well-being. I think you handled the situation well and if he comes up again I would assure him that he is safe and that daddy and mommy 's job is to protect him and keep him safe. Mommy and daddy's arguments may appear frightening to him and that you are working on that at this time .
Attending Al-Anon meetings, learning how to detach and walk away before an argument escalates , keeping the focus on myself, learning to keep it simple and say what I mean mean what I say without saying it mean helped me in a similar situation
Prayers and positive thoughts for you and your family
Just to clarify I'm not suggesting you should or shouldn't stay or go, just that I fell into a trap of making my decisions based on trying to interpret and fine tune my daughter's feelings and really I needed to trust my own instincts and make decisions that felt right to me, ultimately that was what she and I both needed from me. Al-anon helped me find confidence in my own decisions and not fear that if I made changes my daughter would be angry or upset. Also I agree, your son sounds like a wise little man
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 6th of June 2015 08:21:57 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
It sounds like youve got a clever little boy on your hands and hes challenging you to think clearly about whats going on. Hes scared and hes got the vocabularly to tell you. Have you got the courage to face this. I didnt, i brought my kids up in this type of environment u til they were teenagers and its not a good childhood for them. Tip toeing around the alcoholic, letting him abuse you is all lessons being picked up by children, and then inevitably they repeat the pattern in their life. If i were you i would get to the nearest alanon meeting, go and get some recovery for yourself and then you will sort this out for you and your boy. Its too hard to do alone.
