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My A.W was the recipient of a DWI felony w/child under 15 in May 2012. Trial Sep 2012 received 5 years probation and 2 1/2 years with interlock. Well for 2 1/2 years she has manipulated the system to her favor, acts like the "model" probationer 2-3 days before appearing in front of P.O then always went right back to drinking. She took my car yesterday w/o interlock while I was on a business trip. She drank and drove again, not the first time this has happened the past 30 months. My fear is that her interlock comes off in two weeks. She hasn't hit rock bottom believe it or not and I'm scared for her life and that of others on the road.
I don't have it in me to call the police if I'm not positive she is drunk, has anyone dealt with this type of situation and how do they get through it? She blows off my "boundaries", so those don't work. Banging my head against the wall trying to figure this one out.
It's so easy to sit here objectively and say "hey man, you gotta let go - her actions, her consequences" but I know it's not that easy. I have thought about calling the cops before, or anonymously notifying her work place, and other things, but 1.) That's controlling, creating a crisis, retaliation, NOT detaching, etc. and 2.) I'm ashamed to say there are real consequences for me too if I do those things.
Out of shear concern of safety for the public, obviously if you KNOW she's drinking and driving, you have to check in with your HP and check for guidance. My A doesn't D&D - she usually stays put (elsewhere). I used to accompany her and be the driver, but I got tired of providing that service and getting abused for it. Sometimes I let inspections expire or tags expire and just pay the tickets, but it makes her more paranoid about D&D cause there is a reason to pull her over whether she's been drinking or not.
My A blows off my boundaries too, I verbalize them and just let her go. When the inevitable happens, I don't say anything and let her sheepishly avoid the subject. I, of course, suffer for that too (Oh, there's no money in the bank. Hmmm.)
I can only say, It's YOUR HEAD that you are banging against the wall. Her getting another DUI and losing her licence completely may be in both her and the public's best interest. If you can detach enough to see yourself as Joe Citizen, maybe that will help you make a decision.
Nobody can buck the system forever. She will get caught again. I just hope she doesn't take someone out in the process.
I'm giving myself this same advice, although my situation is not as dire as yours.
Hey TX - my closest experience to this is my A son(s). As I was the parent AND they were under-age AND on my insurance, I took away all keys and cancelled them on my insurance.
They both have since been caught driving without insurance and have the consequences of that. This happened after they were adult age. My boundary for this situation was that I would NOT have them on any insurance with my name so long as I suspected they were ever under the influence and driving (a car with my name).
They have returned here off/on and we've kept things separate. I have titled cars in their names, and let them get/pay for their own insurance. I took my name off the title(s) for the vehicles that my AH drives and did NOT put his name on the 2 I operate. We do have insurance together.
Legally if my AH drove and had an issue, we would both be responsible. But, I have a clear and well documented pattern (and a lawyer's guidance) that would allow him to face consequences and I be cleared even though we are married.
So - there are detachment concerns, moral issues and self-preservation issues. It is possible for another to sue the estate and hold the estate liable. I have protected myself from this through legal documents (contact a lawyer if interested).
You can not stand between your wife and her choices/consequences, but you can take whatever action necessary to protect yourself. (((Hugs for you))) - this stuff is never easy.....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
i also struggled with boundaries still do sometimes but I am getting better. Are you attending al anon meetings? I learnt in al non to say what I mean and mean what I say. My sponsor kept saying Tracy you are moving the goal posts I just didn't understand what she meant. But I kept going to meeting, readying al anon literature and coming on her. I practiced with boundaries sometimes three steps forward and two back. But I learnt in the end what moving the goal posts. I also don't set boundaries I won't stick too. I am so glad you have found this site no one will judge you as you practice. We do the best with what we have this disease is horrible it affects the whole family. My partner used to steel my car and drink drive he crashed it on numerous occasions. I actually did call the police and he went to court but he had started rehab so they supported him but today he knows I am stronger because al anon has loved me and supported me while I practiced hugs Tracy keep coming back xxx
There is a point in recovery...the sanity point where my Higher Power (2nd step) walks me into and thru doing the right thing and for me the right thing takes integrity and courage. I will do what ever is necessary to take the drunk out of the car and off the streets regardless of how anyone feels about it or judges it. I got several instances to practice this principle with my alcoholic/addict. One was one night while working with the CHIP I took a call from a highway unit for information on a DUI...you guessed it as it was my alcoholic/addict wife. Long story short I told him "The driver is known to me" and when he came into work after shift he got the rest of the message. He took her out of her car and had her transported home. Alcoholics often get the better treatment than their victims. ((((hugs))))
I just relayed my story a little bit ago in another post, and it's quite similar in many aspects. My wife got #3, and it was with kids in the car. By the grace of god there was no accident, no deaths or injuries ... but it did result in some pretty harsh consequences for her that was a bottom for both of us. She should have had an interlock on that car, but instead simply never had it installed and drove on a suspended license. The moral of that aspect of your story and mine, I think, is that Interlock, while well intentioned, does little to prevent anyone from driving drunk if they have their mind set on it.
In meeting with her attorney the day she was bailed out, he shared with her that she would be revoked for several years and without chance of even an occupational license if convicted. There was no illusion, even that early in the process, that she would NOT be convicted. My response was to sell her car, and drop her from insurance. I used the proceeds from that to help offset costs of her fines, attorney, and treatment. I have the spare key of my car hidden outside of the home, and the one I use stays on me at all times. I also set the boundary that I will not accept her driving during her revocation period, sober or otherwise.
She was convicted, and the consequences have been enough for her to finally have hit bottom. She was facing prison time, huge fines, long revocation. She got Work release for her jail time and probation with a monitor and random testing in lieu of prison. If she violates, even once, during her term of probation, the judge made it clear he is sending her away. Fortunately, the realization of the danger she put her children in that day, and the prospect of losing her freedom, along with all the other financial and relationship consequences helped her to see she had to put down her shovel, quit digging, and accept she could go no lower. She had hit her bottom and proceeded to find recovery. That was 8 months ago, and so far, so good.
She got caught that night because her oldest son talked her into pulling over and when he got out to wait for his Dad to pick him up from where she stopped, he called the police on his cell phone and reported her. Aside from potentially saving his Mom and 9 year old sisters lives that night, he also set into motion the series of events that resulted in her finally facing natural consequences sever enough that it inspired her to seek and commit to recovery. If he hadn't, and somehow she and our daughter had made it home alive, I have no doubt it would have continued until something truly horrible finally happened. Think it would be hard to call the police on your wife ... imagine the courage it takes for a teenager to call the police on a parent. I'd like to think I could have done it had I known kids were in the car, but who knows ... so I understand your wrestling with that dilemma.
At the end of the day, you and your HP will have to sort out what to do if she does it again. However, it might be worth considering that perhaps the greatest act of love for her would be to do what my AW's teenage son had the courage to do ... and call the police. It also will undoubtedly help to keep family members who might be riding with her again, and others in your community, safe from her bad choices.
Best of luck ... I'll pray for you and your family!
