ON line alateen meetings are available, as is individual counseling. You should not over look your attendance at alanonbecause that will give her one healthy parent to learn from.

I found I had to work the Steps on this issue and forgive myself, knowing that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time and when I knew better I did better.

DoingmyBest -

I struggled with this and had a ton of guilt that felt like a month's worth of baggage....My sponsor kept suggesting to me that I needed to let go and work my program. She suggested that my recovery would be the best amends I could every make to my boys - better than words, better than action.

I did pull in professional help - not sure if it made any difference or not, but did offer to them some choices of assistance. I did not want to impose any solutions or my thinking but offered a variety for them to choose.

Being the best you for your daughter is a priceless gift. Forgiving yourself and finding happiness is a perfect example of how we (humans) survive and thrive in spite of difficulties!!

(((Hugs))) to you...

Thank you guys. My daughter and I had a nice long talk again yesterday and went shopping. We discussed alcoholism again and how I realize now that my behavior has been unfair to her....especially concerning asking her to behave in a way older than she actually is. Yes, freely admit that I have always expected her to be "grown" even when her little body was so tiny. We have always had a great relationship though and she knows she will always come first in my heart and in my actions! This thankfully has always been the case.

We did discus how wrong I have been in asking her too many questions about her opinions on "daddy's actions". She had come to the point that she didn't want to even think of him at all for a while. I so pray he is able to maintain his sobriety because I can honestly see the changes in all of us! Of course, the changes are not just his, but mine as well. I am working very very hard once and my over reactions and negativity. I am proud of the work and pray I can continue.

Thankfully my daughter has always attended church (with my mother/step-father). She as begged me so many times to start going, but my own issues kept me from doing what I knew I should. I am pleased to say that I am going regularly now and actually enjoying the experience (despite my personal feelings for the preacher). Mothers Day was my catalyst in the emotional change of enjoyment. Before that, I may have gone, but I was not happy about it at all.

On Mothers Day we (myself, child, husband) decided to host a small lunch for Mother. We invited a sibling, but thankfully she and her family declined, we then decided to invite another lady we knew was in a bad place emotionally (her ASon committed suicide on her front lawn years ago and she still blames her husband for so much of it). Of course, I realize he had issues from the disease, but I cannot force anything on her and her husband is REALLY a jerk anyway, so I was glad not to have him here anyway. Then we thought of another lady and her husband from church who could use family on Mothers Day.

Thinking back, I have hosted hundreds of lunches/dinners/parties of all kinds and have always felt somewhat angry about doing it. I have never before done it with an open heart so this was very different....and it changed me in a way. They were so touched and so appreciative of being invited and of being included. I have to admit I got more out of it than they did though because I got peace and happiness out of doing something for someone else. I realized these people have the same concerns I do about the preacher (I overheard them taking, but did not interject) and I am now happily going to church almost every week because I realized that my HP had led me to this group of people because I needed them and they needed me. I don't have to agree with the preacher on everything, I can enjoy the company and the love of the others there and I can listen to my HP for guidance instead of resenting going.

I hope this is appropriate for posting here...li know it is somewhat long and not directly related to al anon, but I felt it was an example of how my HP spoke to me in a way that changed my thinking pattern. He gave me an opportunity to read out to someone and do something for them without any expectations and what I got in return is priceless. I got a feeling of happiness and serenity where befor I had been resentful and done things with a negative attitude.

I feel like I finally stopped doing something because I "had" to and did it because I "wanted" to and years of resentment left me.

Again, I hope this is appropriate, but if not, I will gladly remove it ....please just let me know.

Thanks!

The best we can do is set a good healthy example. We can only do that whe  we seek recovery for ourselves and we get healthy ourselves. It cant be faked in my opinion. So, if you really want to help go to meetings, start working this program with all ypuve got, take it as seriously as anything and you will be helping from then on.

El-cee,

I'm a little confused. Are you saying that I am faking something? I don't understand.

I'm not trying to avoid working the program. I'm doing all I can to find a way into the program the best way possible. I would give anything to rid myself and my family of this disease. I am practicing what I am learning every day. No, I'm not perfect, but I am trying.

Perhaps I joined in a little too quickly....I don't know. I never was a very good joiner, anyway.

I hope I misunderstood, but I would really like to get some clarification please.

Hugs,

I think parenting in the midst of horrible dysfunction is so not a fun thing add to that the small town mentality (I'm referring to the fact someone can attend 90 meetings for AA in 90 days however try and find that in Alanon meetings so not happening). I live in a blue collar town and there is nothing wrong with that .. the hardest thing is knowing the bars open at 6am and don't close down until 2am .. getting away from addiction is not an easy task in any town .. the smaller ones provide different challenges is putting it mildly.

We do not have Alateen here in town and it's over an hour each direction to get to that kind of meeting so I chose to take a different route and it's not for everyone thankfully my X's old job provided EAP which we were able to get free private counseling HE doesn't even know how many session the kids have had .. I have 1 - 16 year old girl and 1 - 11 year old boy both affected by my X and myself. I started going to Alanon 4 years ago. Along with Alanon I attend both open AA meetings as well as private counseling .. my kids have attended opens with me AND they both attend private counseling as well.

Having a fractured family is not easy. I know I could have made different choices .. you know what .. could have would have should have's serve no purpose .. we live in "what is" in our house. I try and be available to the kids if they want to talk and trust me we have had serious conversations as well as conversation my children may need counseling for when they get older (try explaining to an 11 year old boy what is happening with his body through puberty poor child looked at me and was like ok .. mom .. I'm good we can stop talking NOW! At least it makes for some good laughs which is very important.)

My daughter suffered for a couple years with some really bad anxiety and the private counseling helped a great deal .. we did not go the pill route because I wanted to exhaust all other ideas. My X wound up on SSRI's and other things and it whacked him out really really badly granted he was drinking on a daily basis during that time. We were very blessed to have an amazing support team surround us and I am hear to tell you without that I don't know what she would have done with that anxiety .. I didn't even know how bad it really was until she got into counseling because I had been so checked out at the time. She got some really good tools to use and draw from .. honestly her dad moving out was one of the best things that happened it was also the issue that he did check out on the kids so her anxiety went down the less she had to physically see him .. he put us all through the mill for many months and it was a long drawn out divorce process. I do encourage you to find out if you have EAP benefits and who in the area accepts those.

Speaking from my own experience in terms of trust and trusting my mom .. my mom will tell you all day I trust her and I'm telling you NO I don't. I grew up with an alcoholic step father and all of the ick stories that go with that.

I'm not sure where my own kids stand on that issue of trust. I know they feel protected and they know I will move mountains, cars, planes and trains to do what I feel is in their best interests when it comes to their dad. We do the best we can and again have had lots of hard conversations .. sometimes I do come back to them and say son of a gun .. you were right about blah blah I just was not ready to say that at the time. So I want to believe they know they can tell me anything that is going on and I will do my best to give them the emotional support they need. Bottom line my word as the adult is the last word .. I work very hard on being open to listening to their worries and fears.

Many people do not agree with how I have chosen to handle things and guess what .. so don't care .. these are my choices and decisions .. what other people think is really none of my business anyway .. they do not walk a mile in my current shoes and might find them to tight to handle. A statement my kids know for route is their dad loves them both the best he can .. his best really kind of sucks from time to time. That's not about them .. they are perfectly imperfect and they deserve to be loved just as they are without having to "do" something to gain that approval or love.

Even though my X and I are no longer together I still attend Alanon meetings because where the A stopped growing emotionally, mentally, as well as spiritually when he started drinking .. I stopped when I started my dance of dysfunction which in reality was way before him I stopped again with that dance. I find that as I work my program my kids do better because they reap the benefits of me getting better.

The other thing I saw as a kid and it warped my thinking in terms of my mom .. was I viewed her as a really weak drama filled individual and it hurt my respect for her. As a single parent I have more appreciation for what she went through however I think my core belief of her being ill equipped to parent me at the time still stands true. I know it takes tremendous strength to raise kids in general let alone being blindfolded by the ramifications of the disease of addiction. I was her confident and I felt that I was making decisions I had no business being held responsible for as an example it was my fault she married my step dad because he was my favorite teacher that's why they dated to begin with .. umm .. I was 15 at the time .. who lays that on a kid? Someone who has their own issues and demons to deal with .. and as an adult I can see that clearly as a young person I was ANGRY a LOT. I was an angry adult for a long time as well however thank goodness for Alanon .. it's soften a bit .. boy I do not have time for stupidity.

I try and keep that boundary with the kids however it's hard when there is limited adult interaction for me since they are the age that they are and I'm working much more than I would like to be and their dad has completely checked out at this point.

I DO encourage you to attend face to face meetings however you need to get there and it is a shame that there are not more available .. I would also encourage you to listen to pod casts or cd's as well as attend open AA meetings (especially speaker ones) that helped me a great deal with healing and it helped my kids to know they could love their dad and not like his behavior.

Hugs S :)

I hope I did not give the impression of truly believing I am living in an idealistic environment or that I feel I have reached my maximum benefit from any program. I was initially thing to say quite the opposite.

I do appreciate that there are others from rural areas who understand logistics. I Am, and have been for six years, seeing a licensed psychiatrist and have lengthy sessions each month. These sessions deal primariliarly with chronic pain, but also with alcoholism in my family, past abuse (sexual/physical/emotional) and with learning how to best handle life in general.

I am quite well educated and held my career for 20 years before my injury, so I am medically retired and disabled.

These are simply facts and nothing more.

I started attending al anon personally almost three years ago, but had the unfortunate experience of the issues with the group I earlier spoke of. It was not healthy to continue. I still read the literature and I do have the aa cd's and as many aa books as you can imagine for help. I have also read the big book in its entirety.

None of this really changed much in my behavior until I found this site because there were people here like me....still lost in alcoholism and at a loss for how to manage an unmanageable life. I lurked for a long while and then finally posted.

At first I was very excited to read responses and the information given. I am a little concerned about judgment now so I likely won't post much more. I will probably stick to lurking. I think it works best for me.

I refuse to apologize for not attending ff meetings because they simply do not exist in my town at all....not even for aa. I would have to drive 25 miles each way in the late evenings and I am simply not able to do that. Even driving that far, there is only the one al-Anon meeting. AA is much more common that far away and AH goes most evenings, all his meetings are closed (they give a printout).

So the bottom line for me is that I am doing the best that I can. I am making great progress and I am proud of that.

I don't believe you should judge someone else until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

God Bless to all!

Who's judging? Not me. If you've taken something Ive said personally then Im sorry you feel like that but its your choice really. What is it your looking for? You have found like minded people so why feel judged?

I can only speak as a child who grew up with multi-generational alcoholics and addicts. I am new here and I understand that advice is something we should avoid. So again, just speaking for myself, I never should have been forced to endure living around these people: high, drunk, abusing me, threatening to kill me -- and what was worse that all these things was watching -- silently absorbing -- all the pain, dysfunction and abuse between adults that I loved and who were supposed to be showing me the ways to grow. I have sympathy for the fact that my mother wasn't strong enough to leave (she was an addict, too, but quit, at least technically, while the others continued on). I don't hold a grudge against any of them. I would say, though, that I am just now dealing with all the s#!t that was heaped on my shoulders. It is my opinion that kids see and absorb far more than we (in the broad sense) give them credit for. Once absorbed it will become part of their own patters. It is my view you can bet on it.

I know you are doing your best. I am only responding so plainly because you asked. I mean no disrespect and indeed want the best for you and your family.

With great love and humility,

Spooky