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My SO and I have been engaged for 22 years. I have basically refused to marry him because of the drinking even though I initially said yes when he asked me. He drank a ridiculous amount of beer, we are talking 12 to 18 beers every night until about a month ago. He throws ridiculous tantrums and screams at me and my grown son. I have pretty much had it with his insane behavior. About a month ago he completely flipped out and threatened kill himself. 911 was called and they took him away to the mental ward. They called me to come get him the next day and I refused. I told him I was done living the way we have been living, and done being abused by him. He has never physically abuse me, but the verbal abuse has been really bad and I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells and being careful about every single word I say. He spent a few nights at a friends house and I told him the only way I would allow him to come back home would be if you didn't drink and got himself some help. He promised, I let him come back. For the most part, he hasn't been drinking, but he also hasn't gone to AA or gotten any kind of official help. He also says things like "I don't see why I should totally have to stop drinking, I would like to be able to have a beer or two every now and then." And when he says stuff like this it takes everything I have not to react badly and start a new argument. We are both musicians and this makes it difficult because we are almost always performing in a bar environment. last night he had band practice with one of the bands he is in and went out and had one beer. I think it might have been 2 or 3 but he doesn't try to lie and say he didn't drink because I can always instantly tell. What am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do anymore. The last time he came home drunk I just made him sleep on the couch, but I feel like I'm backing down by doing even that. I don't know how to get him to get some real help. He insists he can do it on his own but I think he's way too sick for that. I didn't make any consequences at all last night and now I'm afraid he'll start to get even more lax in his resolve not to drink. In the past he has made many promises about getting help but never follows through. This is the longest he's ever gone since we've been together without drinking every single day.
-- Edited by JukuVee on Friday 5th of June 2015 12:40:48 AM
Thank you so much for reaching out, glad you are seeking AlAnon for guidance, strength, and hope. Feelings I experienced in my relationship with an alcoholic were so conflicting before I began my work in AlAnon that, on my on, I could not find a way to deal with them in a way that I could deal with.
I began attending as many Face 2 Face meetings as I could fit into my schedule, buying and reading the daily readers: Hope for Today, One Day at a Time in AlAnon, and Courage to Change. From this, I found a perspective that helped me out of the worst time of my life.
No one can determine the best way to deal with your situation but you. Unfortunately, wrestling with the disease that is alcoholism can leave you exhausted and unsure of which way to turn. AlAnon helps you determine what is best for you, and the alcoholic; it provides a perspective that is healthy and often unavailable when you are forced to address this challenge alone.
Thank you for reaching out, please consider the written resources AlAnon has to offer, too...and most importantly, keep coming back
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Hi JukuVee! So glad you found us :) your story sounds eerily familiar, however I have been married to my A for 20 years. Mine consumes 18+ beers a day (usually +) and I honestly do not understand how he functions day to day. My AH also thinks he can quit on his own, when he wants (the longest period of sobriety a being 12 days in a row, recently but he's back to the full-blown all day drinking) and says that he doesn't ever see quitting completely because he "likes to have fun" and I guess in he mind, beer = fun (gag) I think our A's just have not reached that place where they realize they are powerless over the alcohol and I don't think they get that it is not just about the consuming of the alcohol, that it is a problem much bigger and deeper than that. Unfortunately I have no advice or words of wisdom, but I will say AlAnon is helping me to see my part in things and I have come to realize many things that help me cope with all of this in a much more sane way :) glad you are here, keep coming back!
In Al-Anon we have the Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it. I'm afraid that if there were a way to do those things, we would have found them.
However, we can develop the tools to live peaceably whether or not the A stops drinking. Those aren't an overnight thing and there's no list of "rules," but if you read through the threads on this site, find a meeting, start attending, and get the literature, it will all start to come into focus.
It is not a surprise that he is beginning to drink again because sadly, that is what alcoholics do. If they could stop on their own, they wouldn't be alcoholics. To stop they need to hit their own bottom (which is a thing only they can decide, and which can't be hurried along by anyone else), and then enter and keep working a formal program of recovery. If they don't, the result is predictable. That's how strong the addiction is.
What I wish someone had told me early on is that the majority (75%-85%) of alcoholics never achieve longterm sobriety. I waited years for my A to turn the corner and finally get sober, not realizing that the odds and statistics were against it. I wish I had known because then I could have made decisions based on "It is going to stay like this" rather than "Any minute now I will find the way to help/make him get sober, and then things will get so much better."
I hope you'll find a meeting and start your own recovery. Everyone around alcoholism gets pulled into the insanity, and we can use tools to help ourselves have peaceful and serene lives. There is great hope! Hugs.
Welcome to MIP and Alanon! The post title of how do I stick to decisions I've made has probably been asked by each of us here multiple times!
Every person here is so because they have a loved one with the disease of alcoholism/addiction. It could be an AH, AW, ASO, Ason, ADaughter, Father, Mother, Brother, etc. Each of us are doing our best to thrive and enjoy life in spite of the disease and how it progesses beyond the afflicted person(s).
If you engage in the program, you will learn tools that will help you do exactly what you asked - make decisions that you can live with and set boundaries that make sense for you. We learn to set boundaries that are healthy for us and not punishing. We learn to work our program, improve ourselves and find peace and serenity - in spite of or in lieu of who we live with, who we left behind, etc.
So glad you are here and sorry for your immediate pain. Join us and be good to you - you deserve a peaceful, fun life - just as we all do!
Glad you are here - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think the reason that we say the Serenity Prayer at the beginning and end of every Al-Anon meeting is because it is so important. So important that I will repeat it here:
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
Although all parts of that are important all the time, at different points in our lives, one part may particularly come to the forefront... sometimes finding the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, sometimes the finding the courage to change the things we can, and sometimes finding the wisdom to know the difference. Often, early in the process of dealing with our qualifiers, "the wisdom to know the difference" is the key piece.
You can't make him get help, and you can't make him stop drinking... only he can do that. What you CAN do is decide what behaviors you are and are not willing to tolerate, and how you will respond if intolerable behaviors continue. It is up to you to decide what is a line that you will not tolerate the crossing of -- verbal abuse? the drinking itself? And it is up to you to decide how you will handle it if a line is crossed (deciding in advance helps -- it is much harder to choose an appropriate course of action right in the moment). I find that it helps to think out my planned responses in detail, make any necessary preparations in advance, and rehearse how it would go in my head -- that way if/when the situation happens, I am fully ready to act on what I have planned, and am more likely to stick with it.
Al-anon face to face meetings where I found my sponsor and MIP have all helped me to get myself to a much healthier and better place over time. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was also a great read and helped me to see some things more clearly. I am glad you found us and keep coming back! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
He had a gig tonight. He sounded like he'd been drinking when he came home and when I asked he admitted to having one beer. Bullshit. It is now 3:30am and I'm awake because he is grinding his teeth. The teeth grinding is a sure sign to me that he had more than 1. I don't even get to sleep in my own bed sometimes. I'm so sick of this shit. He will never admit that he had more than 1 tonight.
If I were you I would read the awesome ESH you have been given again and then start focusing on what you need to do to make yourself happy rather than living in hope he will change.
Experience, Strength and Hope, JV
What we aim to share with each other here.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
