The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I found out tonight that my AH has been seeing another woman and talking to other women as well. I know that I'm done, and don't want back into the relationship but man this is like a swift kick to the gut. When I found all this information I had a blown panic attack and confronted him about it, and he acknowledged it. He said he still cares and loves me and I shook my head and I told him not to worry about it, I was done and he can do what he wants. I think the part that hurts the most is that I invested 16 years of my life to be so easily thrown away. I know this too shall pass but right now it hurts so bad.
(((Shanny))) I do understand and have also experienced the unrelenting pain that you have described. Please remember to be very gentle with yourself,search out a face to face meeting and attend and know that you are not alone. This too will pass.
(((Shanny))) - I too understand that pain that you describe. So sorry for how it hurts and want you to know that you are not alone.
I am proud of you for realizing in your head that it will pass even though right now your heart is in pain. Be good to you and gentle with yourself as you process this.
It seems that after a period of intense pain, I do find growth and the other side to be better than anticipated. May you find peace soon!
Stay close to your program and know we're here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I wanted to reply to your other post too Shanny. I can and could relate, so if this is off the bat please brush it off " take what you want and leave the rest". I was very inspired by your decision and action to leave and then find full time work and reach out to your mother for help. With five children, one just a babe. These are great strengths, and honestly, they are lovable and respectable qualities in a person. When I made the discovery you have just made about the ah and other females it made me question what it was about me. That's typically coda....a person chooses to act hideously and we somehow leap to it being about us, but it really truly isn't. Took me a while to accept that one and I couldn't accept it while we were together, especially when children are shared. you are doing fabulously. Keep going. You got this. In support.
I'm so very sorry. I experienced something similar, but never got acknowledgment. Maybe that was for the best, but I know the old saying: "if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck, it's probably a duck".
This is still something he is adamant about denying, so I had to decide what was best for me. I eventually decided to let it go and let God decide. That was more than three years ago now and I am now very glad I made that decision. If he had admitted it, I'm not sue I could have done the same thing. I do know, however, that it is WRONG to relieve your conscience on another person, as so many A's do. They tell you things only to make themselves look/feel better. It is their wrong and they should have to live with the guilt (assuming there was such an affair after all).
I am not saying that this was the case for you at all and I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Please know we support you and that you deserve so much more! You did not cause this and you could not have stopped it. Please be kind to yourself as you grieve.
I had the exact same experience not too long ago.I understand the pain.My ex was living with another woman not long after I ended the relationship and I found out he was seeing her when we were apart, at another time.He was calling me while he was living with her.What I have come to realize is he is incapable of having an honest ,healthy relationship with a woman.The woman he is currently with is also addicted ,so he gets to use drugs.That is his problem and not mine.He uses women to have a caretaker and a roof over his head and I am better than that.It does hurt,but the pain subsides.I have gone through the pain and the anger with the help of the steps and a therapist and I can tell you,yes,the pain has stopped.I see it as part of his disease and I no longer take it personally.I am a good person and I believe God wants me to have the best and he wasn't it.
It is darkest before the dawn. I think you just took the first steps to your heartbreak stopping. Also, just because a relationship ends, doesn't mean that it was all for naught. I don't underestimate your pain and that your whole world is changing in a way you didn't want or anticipate. I also understand that this is unfair and you don't deserve this from a man that took vows, built a life with you, and supposedly committed to you fully. That being said, this too shall pass. I admire your spirit and you stating a boundary that enough was enough. It shows that you do love and value yourself and, in the end, that is more important than others, as much as a break up/impending divorce may be devastating and hurtful.
I understand your pain also. I agree with pink chip that we cannot discount any relationships. I do believe that we have something to learn from all of them. Be gentle with yourself and take the time that you need.
Hugs ;) I too have walked this road, and I'm going to tell you what I wished someone had told me then. It is not about you, it's about him. He's seeking salvation through a love relstionship. It's just another part of his addiction. He thinks that a new relationship will make him feel better or save him. He will realize eventually it will not and at that time face his pain and fears and begin to look at himself, or he will comtinue the addictive cycle of going from relationship to relationship. What's important is taking care of yourself, and You are doing all the best things to take care of yourself and showing yourself self love. In support;)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Although my situation is not the same, I too am feeling immense and ongoing heartbreak due to someone that I love. It can sometime feel impossible to let these feelings go, and in the end I fear that the best healer will be time. Sometimes just to help take the edge off of that physical heartbreak feeling (that chesty, achy feeling physically right around your heart) by getting outdoors in the sun and nature. It seems to help me. I also run as fast as I can and picture it getting further and further away from me. Just find some physically healthy activities that can lift you up and strengthen you physically and take care of yourself.
And of course talking with HP about helping me with these feelings, but HP doesn't seem to keen on helping me out with it right now.
Hope this helps a little at least to know you are not alone. (((hugs)))
Oh Shanny, I'm so sorry. Try to keep focused on how you are trying to make a better for yourself and your children. Hang in there, keep strong! You are truly inspiring, don't forget that :)
I know just how you feel. My ex AW used every opportunity to pile on the insults when she finally admitted she was having an affair (with a trusted friend) after lying about it over and over. I know that I felt that sense of injustice that so many people here have felt. "But they promised...they made a vow..."etc. I think it is human nature to feel like there should be some kind of "consequence" for breaking vows and promises. I personally think there is -- just not the "fiery finger of god" we envision when we are hurt and angry. One thing I have reflected on is how proud I have been of my integrity, faithfulness, and the fact that I keep my promises. I can't imagine how bad I would feel about myself if I didn't have those positive features. I have plenty to work on, don't get me wrong. I'm just saying that I get a real sense of strength from knowing I am a good and trustworthy person.
When I have stepped back and thought about the pain the affair caused me, I realized that I was simply in denial (again, just speaking for myself) about how my ex would treat me. I thought, "Anyone who called me a c**t and would say I wasn't a "good catch" would of course stoop to any level." It was a matter of time before my ex found a "better mommy" and someone who I know to lack self esteem. I'm not sweeping aside the hurt or minimizing it for either of us -- it feels like it will kill you -- but with a little time, support from Al-Anon and people who love you, it will pass and we can see that none of their stuff had anything to do with us.
My heart goes out to you. Just hang in there. You deserve better. I believe that and I'm sure so does everyone here.
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Thanks everyone for the kind words and support. I've been doing good on focusing on my goals and the kids and reminding myself of my choices that I'm making. I chose to walk away and I'm done victimising myself because at the end of the day I know what and who I am. I am a strong person because in all honestly if we were all weak how could we put up with and deal with the stuff our A's throw at us on a daily basis. I think he is finally realising that I was pushed to far because now he's calling and texting tons trying to be friendly and sorts but I'm being very cautious and reserved. I'll talk to him because I have children with him, but everything that has happened and has came to light is beyond anymore deal breakers for me. Infidelity is something that crosses all sorts of lines and I don't think that it's something that I can forgive or forget anytime soon. I know that I deserve better, my children deserve much better. I'm just taking one day at a time and so very grateful for my family and support system that I have in place.
Glad to hear you are working your way through it. Everyone here has such great advice.
I like pinkchip's take on things also (as always). My A says she's "done with relationships" and I tell her how sad that makes me feel for her. I'm not done. I'll be in search of a HEALTHY relationship until I'm gone.
Like pinkchip says, think about what you've learned about yourself throughout this ordeal. Knowing yourself is something you get to keep forever.
You are moving in a positive direction, you deserve to do that unencumbered, or with someone who is doing the same if you so choose.
Just remember, the disease gets what the disease wants. The reason this has happened is that you are too strong. Don't feel bad about being too strong!
i can only share my experience I loved my alcoholic partner and abandoned myself got years he too cheated and I forgave as he got sober and was fighting the disease for over 5 years in AA his last stint of sobriety lasted 2 years. I was in al anon learning how to love myself and how to set boundaries one being if he ever stayed out all night I would end the relationship. He slipped 10 months ago and stayed out all night. I stuck to my boundary and ended the relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever done I love him so much but today I matter too. I wrapped myself around al anon they loved me supported me. I never ask for help but I was in so much pain I could not do it alone the more I reached out the stronger I got. I just took one day at a time sometimes 1 hour at a time. I cried and cried felt my pain prayed and trusted. It has not been easy but today I feel so much stronger happier I have my self esteem. I still miss him but it is getting easier he is getting worse but I don't have contact . You don't have to do this alone alanon will love u till u love yourself hugs Tracy xxxxx
I too struggle with the pain. Mine isnt going away
Any time soon. I thought after the divorce it would
Be over and done with. No more grieving it has
Been 11 month since he left.
I just have a deeper and more intense pain now.
Its the ripping and tearing of my married life. I
Am overwhelmed and hurting as i find a new place
To live after a thirty year marriage.
Keep embracing ftf alanon and keep reaching out
For love and support from good caring healthy
People. It is a sign of strength to seek support
not weakness. We tend to isolate with the disease.
