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Hi, I went to my first al-anon meeting the other night and will be continuing to do so.
My fiance is the alcoholic in my life. It has always been an issue for me over the past 3 years, but I learned to ignore it as it was just easier.
Now, since our engagement, I've realized I need the change. He wants kids, and I just don't want to have that around my kids.
I find I still live with my denial, as even sitting in the al anon group, I wondered if I belonged.
He is a functioning alcoholic with a consistent job. Yet, he still drinks 4-6 drinks every single day, and on top of that, smokes pot.
Even if he is puking sick with the flu.
I try not to show this in front of him, but he is very good at making me believe in his excuses for his drinking to be okay.
I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else is or has been in a similar situation here?
You Sure are in the Right Place :) And we are Glad to Have ya :)
This Disease is Very Cunning and Baffling and these A's are Very Manipulative when it comes to it ;) That is Why I Make sure to make my f2f Meetings as Much as I Can, Talk to My Sponser, and Al-Anon Family...
There are Many Here that will Indeed have the Experience you are having, I Just wanted to Welcome you to Our Family and to tell you to Please Keep Coming back and Making New Connections ;) WELCOME :)
Addiction to alcohol and other substances is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. I believe you've found a great place to learn how to take care of you and thrive in spite of what is going on around you.
Everyone on this board loves someone with an addiction issue. Thru the Alanon program, we are all working to find serenity and love ourselves. The program also gives us tools to make that happen.
Again, so glad you are here and hope you stick around!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Mak11, yes I am in a similar situation. My AH is functioning (though it has gotten worse in the past few years) and holds down a job at a financial firm. Actually I think a lot people in the financial world could be considered functioning As but that is off topic. You sound where I was 9 years ago. I applaud you for acknowledging it this early on as I never did until now. 4-6 drinks daily is a lot and my AH did the same thing but back then I drank with him a lot as well as a lot of our friends were big drinkers (before everyone started having kids) so it didn't seem out of the ordinary. My AH also was very skilled at excuses until his problem became too much for him to control and he ran out of excuses. Keep going to meetings, you will find a lot of information that will be useful for you. I applaud you for worrying about how this will affect your future kids. I have two young kids and dealing with alcoholism is not easy, especially when you are worried constantly on how this will affect their childhood. Follow your heart and be honest with yourself and your fiancé. I was in denial for so many years until I couldn't be anymore. I will say not being in denial is so freeing and I am working on finding and maintaining serenity each day. Keep coming back to this site, you will find some great posts. Welcome.
You are in the right place. Welcome! So glad you are here. Sorry about your struggles with your fiancé. The terrible hiking about alcoholism is that an A can be functional but usually the disease progresses and that level of functionality changes. I think you are smart to evaluate these things now, and I hope that AlAnon will give you some answers, as it has for me :) keep coming back!
Thanks for the welcome and support everyone. On top of the engagement, what made me start to come out of the denial phase was when I had told him I didn't want the constant drinking/smoking in our future, so asked if we could set a plan when this would stop. His response was 100% what an alcoholic says - "I'm happy where I am", "You're the one with the problems, I have to marry all of you too", etc. There was much more that was said, but the jist of it is that he deflected everything back on me. For 3 days, he was angry with me. Wouldn't speak to me about anything, even when I tried to have a light conversation about how his work day went. He became even more pissed when I told him I went to an Al-Anon meeting.
He recently began chatting again. He ended up sulking in the end and told me he missed me... He told me he would cut down on the amount he has, but still has no "game plan". So.. that is where we are at for now... I'm still trying to fully grasp the first step of acknowledging that I am powerless over the addiction, but it sounds like continuing to go to the meetings will really help.
It's frustrating not knowing how things will end up.
-- Edited by Mak11 on Thursday 4th of June 2015 11:00:25 PM
I had to fully accept that being powerless meant that no matter his drining/smoking is your issue That is why alanon exists -- If someone else's drinking bothers us alanon tools , meetings, Step wll help . It is here i learned ho to truly take are of myself, live one day at a time, let go of many of my destructive tools, and stop reacting and respond in a ocnstuctive manner to life.
You can indicate that you are addressing your issues by alanon meetings. Keep coming back
Oh wow can I relate! I always thought my A was better functioning than everyone's, he didn't cheat after we were married (that I knew of), he went to work 5 days a week, he never was a fall down drunk. Well once I started attending al-anon, my sponsor and coming here to MIP regularly I realized my A was no better than any of the other A's. I dropped my judgmental attitude and instead of seeing the differences I started seeing all the likeness and dropped the layers of denial slowly. It would have been too much to see him so clearly all at once, but the best part is I started seeing myself more clearly! And it was a wake up call all in itself. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was immensely helpful for me to read. I am glad you are here and keep coming back. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I agree that it is frustrating not knowing, that is where the slogan one day at a time really helps for me. I tend to try and predict the future all the time and it just makes me more crazy with this disease. Try and focus on what you can change and live in the moment (I know easier said that done). Your fiance's reaction is common. A lot of As get very nervous when their significant others start to go to Al Anon as they feel threatened. Also, deflecting and putting the blame on back on the spouce is very common, my husband use to do this all the time and still does this now and then. Hang in there. Sending you a ton of support and hugs. Just know that you can only change you and he has to want to change. It is a very tough spot to be in as it sounds like he hasn't come to the realization that he has a problem.
