Hi all,

Hello and THANK YOU to everyone! I feel I already know many of your since I have been lurking for several weeks now.  I have gotten so much inspiration and gained so much from the posts here and the member shares.  This board has been a life saver for me since I found it.

I am the wife of an AH, the child of a deceased (sober for 10 hrs before he died) AF, and have been surrounded by severe denial my WHOLE life!  

I recently said ENOUGH and sought an attorney (the very day my AH got his DUI....the catalyst that seems to have truly gotten his attention).  Both his father and mine were A's, as was his ex father-in-law and many, many of our family members.

Both of our parents had stopped drinking prior to us meeting and both of our fathers are now deceased.  His mother is also deceased and he is estranged from his severely disfunctional brothers (though they are not A's to my knowledge...just MESSED UP).  The dysfunction began with a horrific childhood of insanity (untold physical, emotional, and mental abuse).

I was lucky, I suppose, in that my father was not physically abusive, bud did have issues I now recognize as emotional abuse.  My mother was, and still is, an amazingly wonderful lady, but is the consummate enabler, living in a state of DENIAL at ALL times.  She did, however, attend Al-Anon and did make us go (for which I am eternally greatful).  She is a truly amazing lady and her picture could be posted in Websters beside (Uncnditional Love)! 

I've been married to AH for 20 years....so I've watched this disease progress into the overwhelming monster.  I have handled it poorly!!!

When I got the call from the trooper, I was almost relieved.  I have lived on pins and needles so long waiting for that call. Thank God no one was injured!  

I did go to the jail to deal with some issues with the vehicle, but did not intend to bail him out.  It is rather impossible to explain, but I was given NO CHOICE.  It would be improper to explain here.  I did not even get the luxury of an 8 hour "cooling off period" and had to post bond & take this truly DRUNK person home, deal with him blaming ME because he nearly ran over a Trooper,  lock him in another part of the house, take all the keys, dead bolt everything, make sure my daughter could sleep after all this insanity, get her to school and to try to deal with life in general.  I'm certain everyone here knows the drill.

The next morning he was trying to wiggle out of it (of course), so I put him out!  

That week was one of the most stressful and most enlightening weeks I have ever had.  I wouldn't even tell him they were going to reduce the charges (he couldn't remember of course) & I would not help him handle anything! Instead I went to see the attorney.   He was not in, so I left my info to wait for a call....

Calls came alright, but they were from AH...incessantly.  

After another three day solid drunk, he reached out to a man to help him into AA.  He actually went!!  I was shocked!  Then he continued to go, daily, but was so heavily dependent on alcohol that he was still drinking quite a lot.  After several meetings, I allowed him to come take a shower and asked him to go to church to support our daughter in a "function", which he did.  He stayed around talking and crying with every breath for that day and continued to cry for no less than a solid 10 days.  (I have NEVER seen him cry in 20 years).  He told me so many things I had never known, from how he started drinking at 10 and that he was actually drinking at least 30 beers every day now.  It blew my mind.  He also admitted he was powerless over alcohol had no idea how to quit.  AA has answered that for him.  He detoxed himself at home (to everyone's amazement),  but it took almost 3 weeks to go from 30+ beers a day to none.  He's now almost two months sober, has a sponsor, attends AA regularly, is DEALING WITH IS OWN PROBLEMS AND ISSUES WHICH RESULTED FROM HIS ARREST,  and is actually working the program!!!!!

So this is where he is now and I am working on me!  There have been great days, good days, and days where we both had to take it one second at a time.  I did put the divorce off and we are trying.   It's almost impossible to remember what it was like when he was drinking incessantly. It's like another world.

I do realize this sounds like a grand BS advertisement for a treatment program, but it's not. There's no reason to go into 20 years of hell. It's counterproductive. And, I won't lie, there are many days that I wish I had a better insight into the right way to handle things. Sometimes I just don't understand what is going on in my own head...let alone his and I am trying desperately to stay in my own problems and let him deal with his. I am a PERFECT enabler so it is really hard to do the right thing....but I'm trying.

I know this is not about our A, but background lets others know where you are coming from.  I have experienced the things I have read here and have thought each of your thoughts.  I have lived a lifetime of alcoholic hell and it is time for it to end!!!

I want to work on me now!  

I truly appreciate this site and each day I look forward to reading what has been written. Al-Anon is very very small in my area.  The only group is 20 miles away and meets once or twice a week. I have tried it for the six suggested meetings, but have found this particular group to be ineffective.  That is why this site is incredibly important to me. I am using it, along with the approved literature for AA and Al-Anon to help me in my journey. I am also seeking local support from others in similar situations.

Thank you for everything. I don't know if you realize how much you help others, but you have certainly helped me!