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Oh, it's the Jekyll and Hyde thing again, and it took me by surprise last night. Unfortunately it is all I could think of/ focus on, and I'm having a hard time letting go. Which is scaring me because I'm afraid I'm sabotaging a job interview I have today because my focus is on my A. My A borrows my car 2 days a week, and I hate using her car- it's old, it's loud, it's in desperate need of repair and she refuses to take care of it, fill it with gas, etc. The money she gets reimbursed for my car she spends on alcohol and I'm constantly filling up both cars. That aside, we had a conversation that she said (when she was sober or drinking- I can't always tell anymore...it's more like 50 shades of drunk) she was going to drive her car more and that she wanted to, etc. I was elated. Well, last night when we discussed it and I said I wanted my car for the interview, she told me she hadn't discussed it with her boss. Fine, I said you can use it Wednesday. I will need to clean out your car (bad enough it sounds awful...can't have all of the crap in there, too. My loving nickname for this car is from Adam Sandler's song Piece of S*** Car..but I've never said that to her..). Well that just pissed her off. I was puzzled, especially when she kept telling me I was stubborn for repeating myself that I said she can use my car (???). Honestly, she's probably stashing booze and then refusing to clean out the car to reveal all of the empty bottles. Then she kept repeating what she said she said (which was not at all what she said to me prior) but when I tried to tell her what I heard she said, she kept talking over me, interrupting me, then had the gall to say "we need to work on our communication skills" which always means me. At that point I couldn't get a word in edgewise and it was pointless to argue so I went back to my reading. Which then she said I'm going to bed....so glad we aren't legally married (which as of late she has been saying to me and in mixed company- which is very hurtful and she knows it). I am trying to give this to my HP but I keep taking it back. I'm so frustrated and hurt. I've been so busy lately and trying to find a job. What makes it worse is we had a good conversation about making the money thing work, writing out a budget and what each of us can contribute. But now I don't know if I can trust her enough to follow through on her part or if she was sober enough to remember this any other given time. I'm convinced last night when she said she got called into work that she really was out drinking because our fight is classic starting a fight after drinking heavily kind of fight. I even contemplated driving over to her work to see if her car was there after I got off work but I was tired and hungry and told myself " that's not detaching"...but I had that feeling, especially since she didn't get home until an hour and a half after closing time. Any advice on how to push this out of my mind until later tonight or just giving it up would be super helpful. Thank you so much.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 3rd of June 2015 07:08:18 AM
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Firstly, lol @ 50 shades of drunk. That's a keeper!
That aside, I used to let my A use my car for work and he treated it so badly, and filled it with rubbish and empty bottles which he refused to clean. When I objected he threatened to quit his job. I did eventually call his bluff and took my car back from him. And in retaliation he actually did quit his job and things got difficult. But it was worth it. It wasn't right for him to basically extort me and when I put an end to it, the resentment went away and I was able to start creating new boundaries that weren't complicated and conditional like "lend me your car or I wont work".
What happens if you just don't fill up the other car and state that yours simply isn't available any longer, and that's that?
I found it essential to remove any and all situations where he had control over me; it cleared up so much resentment and made it so much easier for me to make good decisions.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Sharing here really helps me to let go of obsessive thoughts. Then reviewing my gratitude list, keeping the focus on myself reviewing my assets, reciting the slogans over and over are all tools that work for me
Prayers and positive thoughts for a successful outcome today.
Seriously, please take care of yourself. Where I live there is a law about "allowing another to DUI". I don't know if it would even apply, but it may be helpful to check it out. Please be careful and take care of yourself.
Hahaha! Didn't know I'd start a new trend with 50 shades of drunk!! I thought it was already taken... It definitely describes my situation.
I am definitely taking your advice about gratitude. I just made a list and it is already making me feel lighter and helping me focus on the tasks I really need to do, such as mentally preparing for this interview!
I'm not sure about this law of Allowing someone to DUI. I've confronted my A, but it falls on deaf ears. Honestly, if they were to put me in jail, it would be something else for me to worry about. I can't. I live in Ohio- never heard of this. And drinking is never allowed in the cars, as a passenger or driver, and I'm very vocal about that. However, I can't control what happens in my car when I'm not using it. I pray there isn't drinking and driving since my A is a nanny while using my car.
My focus today is on myself and my future. That is my mantra today, as other things (pain, resentment, confusion) want to cloud my brain.
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Read your post as if you were someone else and see what you come up with. For me the post reminded me of the Power and Control characteristics in the disease, the extreme self centeredness by the alcoholic/addict which kept me enabling so that I could get something out of the relationship and which allowed her more freedom and affirmation to keep living in the "ism". Alcoholics really believe that its okay to do the things they do without consideration of others. The program taught me that it was my job to consider myself as I wanted to and get the outcomes I wanted without depending upon someone unwilling to participate in a fair, honest and just manner. Its your car take it back completely and let her have her own to do with as she plans. Let her stuff reflect on her and not on you. This is a Courage to Change the things I can moment. Good luck. ((((hugs))))
I think I have to agree with Jerry on this one. It's hard to do things like that because
1.) it could be construed as "I'm dumping you be degrees"
2.) You have to both watch her suffer (which you are doing anyway) and prepare yourself for the games that will ensue.
But in the end, I think Jerry's statement is hard to argue.
And even though it's not your job to try to fix her, she has even less of a chance of evaluating her own actions if she isn't left 100% with the consequences.
I too truly enjoyed 50 Shades of Drunk.....priceless and a LOL moment for me.
My 'go-to' tool in the heat of the moment is the Serenity Prayer. It is short enough to remember easily enough and long enough to keep me from reacting in the heat of the attack. I am certain I have said this up to hundreds of times on tough/difficult days.
I have it on a decorative plate in my half-bath. That is the closest 'break room' I have to any issues/chaos in my family room. It's perfectly positioned that you can't miss it when you walk in and shut the door.
Next to that, gratitude lists are a great tool. I am famous for suggesting I need to 'go down the hall', and calming down and/or going 'down the hall' and then call a program friend or sponsor.
So sorry for the pain, anger and confusion this disease is causing you! I believe you will have a fantastic interview and look forward to hearing about it later!
(((gabigail)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Lol! 50 shades of Drunk! My wife was definitely in shade 46 of drunk when I got home last night.
One thing I learned about my experience with my wife's latest DUI - my wife is going to drink, and she is going to drive. If she is driving my car (or a car registered to me) it is likely that she is going to incur expenses (tow charges, damage to city property, totaling the car) that will be in my name, since it is legally my car. If I want to avoid the bills in my name, I cannot allow her to drive any of my vehicles. (I currently have 3, because they are all so old. With three, I am pretty sure at least one of them will start.) To prevent her from driving any of my vehicles, I have to keep the keys in my purse, keep the spare set of keys locked in my office, and remove fuses / disconnect the battery cables. It sounds crazy, I feel crazy going to those lengths, but I cannot risk her totaling another car.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Augh. Reading that post made me nauseous. Not because of you, but because it brings back so many memories. My wife used to use that "we" need to learn to communicate better thing (as you said, meaning me). Whenever I would try to press something that was really important to me she would just shout louder, turn up her aggression, or start saying things that made no sense until I allowed myself to be silenced -- just as I learned to do as a child with my dad. I can inderstand why you are dizzy, frustrated, and casting around for someone to confirm that you are sane.
We're here for you! Remember you aren't alone. Many is the time these last weeks that just knowing you guys were out there got me through.
Hugs...
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Wow! I guess I hadn't thought all of that through...what a mess you have to go through Skorpi to protect yourself and your well-being. It's so unfair. I hope I don't have to go to those extremes, but it shows how crazy this disease is.
What's funny about the "we" thing is that her mom says that all the time (mom is recovered A) and it pisses my AW off to no end...but she does it too!! But don't ever tell her she does the same thing that her mom does. Because one thing I've found is that she cannot look badly and cannot be anything less than perfect in others' eyes. And she has a broken relationship with her family- none with her sisters anymore and her mom only calls when she wants something, so it's been a sore spot for her, and a cause of a lot of the drinking. I can understand why she does it, but it has gotten out of control.
Anyway, yesterday we were with mixed company and she mentioned the communication thing again, but this time loudly said, that's something you need to work on (to me) after someone was talking about a suggestion....usually I don't say a word because I'm usually mortified...however, this has been a constant in our relationship, a control thing, and something she does to bring up things we fight about in front of friends (mainly hers). So, not the most appropriate way to respond, but I am getting tired of holding it in and having her have the upper hand, I said, if only I don't have you talking over me and interrupting. Which she brushed off. But I think in some small way I got sort of an apology when we were alone...making an excuse that she's noticed she's been "crabby" lately...and her demeanor has changed, being pleasant. It's either that or my HP is taking over in this situation. I don't know....I call it a small win for now. I was able to push past it yesterday to have a relatively good interview. So we shall see. Thanks for your support!
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
I will add just a small amount of crazy funnies for you all - in the name of self-protection....
Every new car we've had since we've been married (24 years) has been wrecked by my AH...
He went out a few years ago and bought a used car for him - overpaid for it but no input/consult/discussion with me. He knew that I was shopping for a new car - I was driving a 14 year old car; he was driving a 10 year old car and we were deciding which we were going to let the boys have/drive...with his unilateral decision, the car he was driving was given to the A son.
He then called insurance and got liability only. Yep - you guessed it - he wrecked it about 3 months later. Paid out of pocket almost as much as half the price he paid to fix it. *sigh*
I sold my car, sold some items around here and saved money and purchased my own car (brand new - just a Kia)...Told all 3 that they were not going to drive it. They've never driven it - ever....I've had it for 3+ years and still looks nice and kind of new!!
I am the only one with the keys and that's where I keep my purse, spare key, key to my bedroom, my office and the key to the spare bedrooms here.
That's how we do communication and transportation around here!!!
Next, my AH has been at the same job with the same company for 40+ years. There are Federal licensing and State licensing requirements every 5 years. Well....he didn't do what he was supposed to do for it, and has been furloughed for the past 3 weeks. So - he comes to me and says that he's missing mail and he can't go back to work without it. I said OK - will keep an eye open for it.
I did not remind him that he has given out the wrong address (we live on Terr - he always uses Street) to many and that he used two different names....I did not remind him that when this happens, the mail goes back to sender. I just said OK....
When you live with the disease, crazy is all around us. To outsiders, it appears so strange and impossible - to us...it's daily life.
I could go on and on and on and on. What has changed, has been me. This program, you people and the tools allows me to sit and watch and at times even giggle over the insanity of it all. I am truly, most days, beyond the hurt as I do know deep down that it is the disease and not my loved one that is acting the fool and being mean, hurtful, etc.
My findings also ... the less stressed, crabby and anxious I am, the more they are - for a bit. The disease is reacting to a different normal. It does get better with practice and patience!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me it's so easy to say "focus on your HP, try not to obsess about your worries with your A" but I know from my own experience how frustrating it can be and how maddening it is when you are trying to discuss things with the A and they turn everything back on you! For me personally, the best thing I can do in these instances is let it go and then get out and do something that I enjoy. Usually after that I get a little clarity. If it was me though, I would put an end to her using your car...i know, easier said than done :) good luck!
-- Edited by Fairlee on Thursday 4th of June 2015 06:36:53 PM
50 shades of drunk, Priceless!!!! HAHA, I had a good morning laugh about this, and am still tickled. That was 15 years of my life and the things that come along with sharing anything with an A well was manipulation and control at its finest with my A. Everything was about him, if I had something nicer it always somehow became his and I got the old dumpier one. I was too nice and he too selfish, so it was perfect for him for a long time, only it wasn't and he was never happy although I tried so hard that I lost myself in the battle somewhere along the way. So now I don't try to please the unpleaseable people in my life, I do not give up my nice things I have worked very hard for and I no longer accept unacceptable behavior nor try to cushion the consequences for others. Al-anon has been a great recovery program for me and I am much healthier and happier for it. Keep coming back! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Fairlee- I totally understand the "things get turned around back at you" scenario. It happens at least weekly....some weeks daily. It's frustrating. I have pointed it out to my A, but realize it's a certain "shade" of drunk, and there's no reasoning with a drunk person. I understand the frustration, when the situation some days seem hopeless. I go through ebbs and flows with my HP and the situation at hand. It's hard.
Iamhere...wow, I thought it was just me. My A gave our address to a friend. I discovered later it was not the address, and then I brought it up- denial. Ha! And my A has been dodging a lot of responsibility with things needs for job, bills, etc. Or blames me when I don't know what to do about a situation and might not act on it right away (like with home repair) and will say hurtful things to me, claiming I'm not taking responsibility like I should. My thing is, I am responsible for so much it's exhausting. I would like help, but I will never get it with my A in this state.
Breakingfree- I deny myself the nicer things too, and it goes to my A. Then when there is a time or two I'm thinking of myself, my A will say, "I'm a good sharer" and implying that I'm not sharing like she does! I also don't cushion the consequences like I used to- I was a huge enabler. I know my A has not filed taxes this year, and it was a big step for me not to intervene. It still tugs at me. But it's not my problem. I filed my taxes (we file separately) so I'm hoping that it will help my A, especially since I don't have a full-time job right now. I financially can't help!
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Ok...I majorly messed up again. And the same theme with the car keeps coming up. So, my spouse had a side job this morning and left before I got up and stupid me left my car keys in the basket. So, she took it. I dealt with it since I was doing homework all day and my car is the only one with an A/C. So, I get called into work and they need me as soon as I can- I said I can be there at 2:30. Call my spouse saying I'm going to work- I need my car. No problem- I will be home by 2, we are just finishing up. Great. So I get ready like normal. 2:00- still not home. I call. We just got finished, can you pick it up halfway. I say, if I do that I'll be late to work. She says, I told you to meet me halfway and pick up the car here...I said you told me you'd be home by 2. She said, no I didn't, I clearly said.....at this point it's no use arguing with this shade of drunk- the narcissist, never do anything wrong and it's all my fault drunk. So I said I need to call my boss, but I'm not happy. Click. She hung up on me. Now I'm pissed. She does this all the time in her drunkenness. So I get in her car and head to work. I get on the road, call, giving her the benefit of the doubt thinking the call got disconnect. No answer. No air, windows don't work, and I'm having a hard time breathing because the humidity was high today. 10 minutes later, calls and acts all cheerful...sorry I missed your call. So I said what is the plan. She says, I already to you blah blah blah. So I bring up, well the call got disconnected so I wasn't positive. She said, you said you needed to call your boss so I said ok. I said, I was still talking and the line went dead. She said no, I said ok you said you needed to call your boss. I'm not going to get through. So then I said again before I got hung up on, I'm not happy because I'm going to be late. She said, you are doing them a favor by coming in so it doesn't matter. I'm thinking, seriously?!? If I was scheduled, I could get fired. This is my only job and I work retail! I was fuming at this point. Call my boss, kinda vented to him (we have a good relationship, and complain about our "women"- haha! Said I'd be late. Met half way. She refused to look up at me. Barely spoke to me. Did offer me money for gas so I could get home, but only got $7. So, I got in and left.
I will NOT do this again tomorrow and will hide my keys. I hate feeling crazy and second guessing myself on what I said. And I usually get over it by now because I've dealt with this for so long, but I'm having a hard time letting go. Not to mention tonight I had some of the rudest, crankiest customers I've had in a long time...just don't know if its all me or not. I kept telling myself to be gentle to myself. I don't want to go home tonight. I do t know what is waiting for me there. Thanks for letting me vent. This really is the only place I have. Thanks!
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
(((gabigail))) - breathe, just breathe.....Take care of you and all will be well. So sorry for the chaos you are having, it will pass - just take care of you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
50 shades of drunk is a detailed discription for those of us with alcohol damage experience.
make it known that your heart is pulling towards dedicating your life to recovery from the damage this dreadful illness causes.
ask if you can have a joint recovery on a daily basis and agree to throw yourselves into the program with enthusiasm.
if that fails then go it alone and be restored to sanity and peace working the program and making new spiritual friends. It takes a while for the damage to begin to fade but if you work it it works
Oh, asking her to join AA will not happen right now....she is so deep in denial. Her focus is that I need help and I'm the one with all the problems- I am the source and everything is my fault as far as our situation and life. This is a constant. She is perfect and nothing is wrong with her. That eeks out on the daily. Her family has pushed her away. Friends she once had- they have the problem. She's a generational alcoholic whose mom went through the program....and my AW says she wasn't an A, she just wants attention!! Her mom is the definition of a dry drunk, because I see so many of the patterns my spouse has now with the drinking. So, denial runs very deep. I'm the only one with the problem.
That said, I know I have a problem- not because she has told me, but because the insanity has brought me to that realization, as well as my own family patterns of codependency in all of us. My awareness is there for the first time in my life. I went to a f2f meeting for a year, but due to low attendance, it got resolved. I haven't found another group I feel as close to like before and I have a lot of trust issues so its hard to bare my soul to a new group of strangers. Luckily I live in a city so I'm sure I will find a place. Thanks!
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
