The material presented
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I have taken daughter there (the dreaded 8-10 hour train trip) every 2nd Friday for many years. Now I have decided that in winter, when it is dark early, it isn't safe for me to be catching trains late at night. The trip TO his house with daughter is OK safety-wise (although stinky, crowded and awful) as we are packed in like cattle with commuters returning home from the city, but he lives at the end of his line (and me at the end of mine) and the return trip is something else entirely. There are only a handful of people that go TOWARDS the city late on a Friday night and they have stripped all of the security systems out of the trains so there is literally nothing you can do to protect yourself if things go bad. I have to go through 2 of the worst areas for crime and violence and the only people on trains late at night on a Friday are predominantly off their heads and aggressive. We have a really bad drug epidemic at the moment, I was almost kicked in the head on a bus the other day by a junkie kicking wildly at passengers and screaming absolutely shocking and disgusting sexual things (think of the most disgusting things you could possibly say to someone and that's what he was screaming. No, wait, think of "The Exorcist" and that was almost it word for word complete with gestures) until my daughter asked me tearfully if we could get off and walk and another passenger distracted him so we could get through the door and walk 30 minutes home in the rain.... (the only reason I hadn't dragged her off the bus already was that he was standing so close and I didn't want to draw his attention as he was really scary. This is not isolated, and there have also been a lot of recent murders so in all this once lovely city of ours isn't somewhere I feel safe out amongst the wildlife after dark on the trains, in fact I feel very vulnerable. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I have always been what most would call foolhardy and had no "sense of self preservation" but I do now, I care about my safety and well being and it isn't negotiable now or ever again.
People in these areas used to take heroin, smoke pot and aside from occasional speed users they were pretty mellow and in their own worlds but the new drug culture is terrifying and terrible violent things are becoming very common. The world has changed quite dramatically in the last few years.
Anyway long story short, I don't feel safe especially not on the return journey which has me on trains alone and getting back to my local (very deserted) station about 11pm and then either walking through a bad part of town or waiting for a taxi that may or may not turn up.....or walking to my car which again may or may not be there. It's not an acceptable situation to put myself in.
In winter he can pick her up Fridays and I will do a day-time pick-up on Sundays! In the warmer months it stays light much later and there are a lot more people on the trains at night so I don't mind so much.
Anyway I haven't told him any of this yet, just that this week I wont be able to bring her and he will have to pick her up this time. Naturally I have been bombarded with angry texts. He doesn't want to do that because he cannot make his wife do the drive in his place in busy Friday night commuter traffic wheras he can have her do it on Sunday afternoon and he gets to stay home and get stoned without wife or kids for half the day.... but then his motive isn't my business. What is my business is that we agreed years ago we would alternate pick ups and drop offs and instead I have ended up doing all of the drop offs for years and he the pick ups, I was being kind as traffic on Friday night is bad and easy on a Sunday and I was forever trying to placate him (retch). But the tantrum he is throwing over me saying I cannot do it this week is ridiculous! It makes me sorely regret all of these years of being so agreeable.
My only response has been to tell him, I am not available to do drop off this week but I will be available to do pick up. I've repeated it a few times and nothing else. I am not ready to discuss the fact that it will be a long term thing in winter yet; nor the fact that she actually doesn't want to go there at all and will be going much less often. I'll deal with all of that when my exams are over as I anticipate a lot of threats and abuse and it will be distracting. So that will be a fun topic I can discuss with him next week. Yippee!
Anyway he texted before to tell me if I can't take her Friday night I will have to take her Saturday morning and I replied he is welcome to come Saturday morning but I am not available to do drop off this week and I got a "gee thanks for your help" in return. Which is very, very mild- almost friendly- compared to his usual abusive messages yet that is the one that made me see red!!! How dare he accuse me of being unhelpful! How dare he complain after I have done all of the drop offs for all of these years! Ha, you can imagine the various replies that I felt the urge to send. But I didn't. I decided I had stated a very reasonable fact (I won't be available this week) and it could speak for itself. But I think it's funny that I can take the abuse, accusations and name calling without batting an eyelid but "gee thanks so much for your help" sends me into a rage. Codependent much?
And in actuality, the reason I can't even do Saturday morning this time is that I have to have some minor surgery (nothing serious but I might be sore and woozy afterwards) on Friday and I am going to go home and rest afterwards. I'm not going to head out on an epic journey and find myself bleeding or sick along the way. So old me would have held on to this card, let him abuse me and perhaps even bait him and then slam him with my winning card- "well ACTUALLY not that it's ANY of your business but I have to have SURGERY on Friday so would you like me to have the DOCTOR call you and explain to you why I CANNOT do it?"
Makes me laugh that it even crosses my mind to play it like a game but once I would have, without a second thought. I like it now, that I can sit back and look objectively at my reactions and responses and choose what is actually helpful to me and discard what isn't.
Instead, I thought, no. I have stated a simple and reasonable truth. I owe no explanation and won't help myself in any way by engaging in childish games of Persecutors and Victims.
It's all so much easier now to make decisions based on the facts and not give any mind to who will think what and what I think they should think and who they should think it with!
Every-one can just take care of their own thoughts. Amazing.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 3rd of June 2015 07:05:18 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Fantastic awareness. Ms. M.,
It is wonderful that you are learning to really take care of yourself , making alternate arrangements for your daughter and not sacrificing your own safety in the process.
I can certainly identify very well with this share and appreciate the clarity of your thoughts and motivations.
Honestly, owning and seeing my own, inner drivers, how I manipulated and withheld information in order to"win" an argument or one upmanship another was shocking when I uncovered it but so very helpful to my recovery. Al-Anon reminded me that being honest, open and willing is how the program worked and that Al-Anon was a simple program for complicated people-- I had no idea how complicated I was.
I hope your surgery goes well. That journey sounds terrible, and I don't blame you for refusing. Good job paring it all down to the simple facts. I agree that that's the best way. On occasion I find myself wondering "what is she thinking" and then I remind myself that not only is it none of my business, if I could step into her head for just a moment, I'd probably run out screaming and have to be treated for PTSD.
My only question is, since the the danger seems like something that can be confirmed for a reasonable person, and your daughter does not want to go as much anymore, is this something that a judge could help you with? Could you petition to have the court delineate exactly what your responsibilities are? Of course, you never know what a judge might say, but it doesn't sound like it could get much worse. Seems like it could be a way to relieve yourself from a big upcoming ordeal.
Legally if daughter doesn't want to go, she is now at an age where she doesn't have to. There isn't any legal obligation now for me to take her to visit him. There actually never was as we never went to court at all, when we divorced he took everything and I bent over backwards trying to be accomodating. In fact the ONLY thing he demanded we write into the divorce agreement was that I was to take sole custody (he had some very weird ideas about the law and was worried he could be forced to "babysit") It's bizarre to me now but that was how I did things; I accepted whatever he did because I thought he would come around and come back at first and after that I was afraid he would take her from me. So he is used to this and I suppose it must be a shock that I no longer aquiesce to his every demand. I have always taken daughter there because she wanted to go, I wanted her to have a relationship with her father and if it HAD gone to court he probably would have been granted every second weekend anyway. I continue to take her when she wants to go and now that is less and less often. If he falls below 52 nights per year his child support will increase (2 nights a fortnight earns him a 25% reduction, go figure) and I would be foolish to think he won't fight dirty to stop that from happening. But legally, I don't HAVE to do it at all.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 3rd of June 2015 07:17:48 AM
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 3rd of June 2015 07:18:48 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I hear my story in so many of your posts and this one really resonates with me. When I moved 2 hours away from my exAH we had agreed he would pay half the trip in gas and ferry tickets, we have to put the girls on a ferry boat to go see him and to come back home. He however gave me money once for gas early on 3 years ago and that was the end of that. I however kept driving them to the boat and paying the ferry ticket fees and didn't stop going above and beyond. Now it is easier my oldest is 17 and has been driving her own car that I bought for cheap back and forth. We had agreed he would help her with the tickets and I would pay gas, surprise he isn't offering to help and has said if the girls plan on staying with him this Summer he isn't sure how he will afford groceries. This from a man who continues to afford to drink, but whatever it will never make sense to me and is the reason I am happily divorced. I have decided to let it go and not offer to help him which I did last Summer. I am not going to bend myself to help him. He needs to put the effort in to be a Dad and my 17 year old said last night she wants to work by him this Summer and as much as that bums me out, it is for her to figure out their relationship with me not involving myself and it is hard, but I have to back off and let them figure it out. It usually comes down to money for him and I am sure like last Summer he sees them coming as me sending them with lots of food and supplies, but not this time. His parents live in the same town and are always there for the kids if things go awry and my oldest knows that and I am just a call away. So this Summer is going to be a big learning lesson for me as well in regards to how far I am willing to keep bending for the exAH and I am letting go. Thanks for this post, I am glad to hear you sounding strong and working a great program taking care of you. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I so enjoy reading your posts and watching you grow in this program. You have again found an excellent tool that you can use to deal with a difficult person/situation...facts and truth.
I realize when we have history with an A it is difficult to remove the emotion....however, you've found a new level of peace and serenity in communicating with facts and then managing accordingly.
I admire you for doing what's best for your child for all these years. I would hope I would have the strength to do the same, just not so sure....Kudos to you for going the extra mile always to facilitate a relationship between the two.
Keep doing what you are doing and enjoy the new found peace that using these tools provides. The freedom of not having to be 'right' and not having to react to insanity is priceless - right?
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks BF, it's amazing isn't it? When I look back at how much I have offered myself up to try to keep my ex happy, and for what? Why? I can't quite work out what I was thinking.
We used to use the ferry too, it cost $10 per person each way so I would take her to the ferry on Friday night, catch it across with her, then home again by myself then on Sunday go over by myself and catch it back with her...I did ALL of the trips and it cost me $60 every time! And they tried to demand I should catch a bus from the ferry to their house as well!! I just don't know why I did it. It boggles my mind. I just did not know how to say NO!! Eventually after he turned around AGAIN on a Sunday and refused to even bring her to the ferry I told him, from now on we each do one full leg of the journey, so one person drops off the other picks up. He was FURIOUS!! It has been such a long, slow (and at times quite enjoyable) journey towards learning to advocate for myself. I love it. My ex, not so much. lol.
Now here is a really ridiculous development.
Daughter has just come to show me a "weird itchy thing" on her leg. It is with no question ringworm. I don't imagine he will want his kids catching it (unless they gave it to her last visit??) so that's going to put a VERY interesting spin on the weekend.
Meanwhile it means I will be missing the 4th day of my new uni classes and I have put in a request to transfer my units to online which is not what I wanted but, that's life. No good staying enrolled on campus and failing for non attendance. So here I am again functioning in that sweet spot on the edge of chaos...lol.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks Iamhere, and you are so right, not having to be right nor react is a tremendous blessing!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Betty, it's so strange to see my natural inclination is to mis-use information so as to "score points". And to be honest, it's quite difficult to break the habit of stockpiling opportunities to say "SO THERE!!!" Why try to save up ways to make people feel bad? And then expect it to result in them being kind or helpful? It's insanity!!! I wonder how it came to be such a commonly used tool because I see it everywhere now, in others and in myself.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Ms.M I believe that i is is a defensive tool that I developed as a child in a dysfunctional home. I pretended to be good, manipulated my way around everyone and it worked. I then honed the skill and carried it into adulthood unconsciously and wascompletely astounded to discover it when working this program My sponsor assured me that it was very human :)
I too deal with the nonsense of transporting the kiddo to the exAH to the tune of 2 round trips per week. But I don't do it with any enthusiasm or grace. I have far less distance than you, too-- the round trip takes about 2 hours, not counting the time I may stay in his area during one of his shorter visits (4 hr weekday visits). I hate having to do it though I've come to accept it. 7 more years of this nonsense. I hope I can get to a spot like where you're at-- you're really rocking recovery!
