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Found myself running the "best of" tape again just now.
All of the greatest absurd arguments and unfounded accusations that my A has made, and not just my A - as far back as I can remember, being accused of something I didn't do, or being blamed for something I had no part in has made me very angry. Unreasonably so.
It was a common occurrence in my household as a child, and has been for decades in my household as an adult.
I began to search for 2 things:
1) Why do I insist on or at least persist in, playing the episodes back all the time? I know I have to learn to let go, and to that end, the first thing I'm trying to do is recognize when I'm doing it. It's been the soundtrack of my life, so it's hard to even be aware of it most the time. It plays in a loop whenever my mind is not focused on any thing in particular. It's not just a memory, it's a re-living of the experience. "Is it Live or is it Memorex?" Apparently it was recorded on Memorex cause it blows my hair back. This does really nasty damage to your body I hear.
2) Why is it that injustice in particular evokes such a strong and righteous indignation? I can get angry about injustice that doesn't even involve me. Just hearing something in the news has the potential to make me feel this way (not that often, but it can). I even put it in my signature when I signed up on this site! "Hell is the absence of reason"! I would assume that it's to a large degree a self esteem issue. That I'm not confident enough in my own character to be able to simply ignore that about me which I know is not true or treatment that is unjust. I'm fairly adept at handling that which is said about me that IS true. I'm reasonably good at accepting responsibility for my actions as long as I recognize my part (less so with my A because of the never ending pattern - getting better though).
So far Al-Anon has helped me to reduce the number of incidents that might be added to the "best of" tape (detachment, limits, self-validation). The problem is with the old stuff - it's just that same old resentment thing.
I guess as part of trying to learn to let go, I'm actively working to dig a little deeper. Where did this hair-trigger righteous indignation come from? It had to have started with my parents because it goes ALL the way back. I think in searching I had a flash of fear because it is so ingrained that it occurred to me that it might not be a learned response, but a hard wired one, but I don't really think that's possible. I suppose it could possibly be a response not only to getting blamed for or accused of things I didn't do, but also getting punished for them. This is the toughest issue I've had with my A. She doesn't just make stuff up, she believes it and punishes me for it in one way or another.
Anyway, trying to get into the nuts and bolts of putting more stuff into practice.
Anything anyone has that might help, I'd like to hear.
Good morning, almost there, WOW, you certainly are digging deeper into program and discovering interesting triggers. I can certainly identify with the" Memorex "tapes on a continuous loop, reciting reviewing righteous indignation, reviewing the various unjust untrue accusations of which you speak. I do believe when I arrived at the doors of Al-Anon they continually fed my resentments, self-pity, and anger , and there was no room for serenity. In fact, they frowned on" serenity" as if it was something silly and not worth pursuing.
Thank heavens for sponsors, meetings, and Al-Anon tools such as the slogans and the steps. A fourth through 11th step helped to dislodge most of these destructive negative weapons that I used to hurt myself or to prove to myself that the world was terrible, I couldn't trust anybody, I had a right to be angry and resentful, etc.
My sponsor pointed out that in my fourth step I needed to list all these negative attitudes that I held even though they were not true,in an effort to own them , see them, and finally to be set free of them. I see you doing that and that's very helpful to recovery.
Another very helpful tool was to make a gratitude and asset list daily, read them and add to them immediately after I woke up and said the serenity prayer. As I was walking through the day, when and if the "tape" started playing, I was to pull out my assets and gratitude list and recite those or a slogan over and over in my head to replace the tape. The most amazing results occurred. I was particularly bothered by these tapes as I travel to work each morning- so that by the time I arrived at work. I was angry at everybody and the day went badly. When I began to replace the tapes with my assets, gratitude or slogans, my inner attitude miraculously changed and I arrived at work in a serene state of mind. The day went well
To keep these old tapes from growing and developing offshoots I work a 10th step every night. I review my day honestly, the positive and negative see where I need to make adjustments remind myself of my assets and gratitude and let go.
Al-Anon is a true gift. I must say that these old tools fly around my head continually, and I can always pull them in and behave badly with them ,if I choose. There is a reading in the ODA T that states that:" the birds of negativity and worry will always fly overhead just don't let them build nests in your hair. "Thank you Al-Anon," The nests" have been dislodged".
I don't know if I have anything helpful to offer but I sure do relate.
When I was a kid there were hysterical rages thrown at me about things that were completely beyond my control, regularly. For example, one incident stands out where I was meant to catch a bus into town to see a movie with a friend. I was 13. What we didn't know was that there was a bus strike that afternoon and there was no way for me to get home again, so I walked to a shop where my friend's parents worked and called my mother to tell her what had happened and to suggest I could catch a train if she didn't want to come and get me. What followed was weeks of rage and silent treatment because I had "done this so I could catch a train" (which was forbidden). That's right, I single handedly organised a nation-wide bus drivers strike for an entire afternoon JUST so I could catch a train home and defy my mother. I was forever organising these kinds of things to upset her. Like every day!
The point being I have a similar reaction to being accused of things unjustly and I can get worked up into a real state about it. My ex A knew he could play me like a fiddle by accusing me of nonsense; I'd get so worked up and upset abut it I would lose sight of everything else and turn into a crazy person over it.
It helps, I guess, to just be powerless over what other people think. In the end I just can't control someone else's mind or their perceptions of me or of circumstances, all I can do is engage with it and then in some ways I am actually making their truth my reality...or I can give it no mind whatsoever. The longer I work this program the more confident I become in knowing that my own perceptions are valid and trustworthy and that makes it a lot easier not to be unsettled by someone else's.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
That's great Betty! Thank you so much! I'm analytical/logic/mechanics personality (computer programmer) and while I do ponder and work in the abstract much of the time, when I have a goal, I really need tools and steps. Defined actions. Your post is VERY helpful. I like those simple things that I can put to use immediately. I think that's why I've avoided doing a lot of this work for a very long time - all it ever did was spawn more questions. I thought I would have to get to the very bottom of it all before I could begin to turn it around. The most surprising thing about my experience with Al-Anon so far is the significant result of incremental change. A little goes a long way, at least in the beginning.
I will get in the habit of doing the things you mention above. I VERY RARELY remind myself of the assets that I have, but I ALWAYS ruminate on the resentment. Al-Anon helps develop awareness, and with that, I step back and look at my thought patterns and think "well, what do you expect?".
I can relate to being accused of things unjustly. It is my husband's MO when he is drinking.
My mother has been visiting for the last 5 days. She is extremely ill, and uses oxygen because she smoked, but my mother never drank. Last night I drove her to town to spend the last evening with my daughter (who has a nursing infant) and my special needs daughter.
On the way home, my husband called me and told me he thought I had been drinking. How absurd! Seriously? Out of nowhere. The thought that I would be drinking alcohol with my ill mother, nursing daughter, and disabled daughter is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
At that point, I KNEW he was drinking and wanted to ease his guilt, because he has been going to AA, and claims to be sober.
I was furious. I told him I thought it was HIM who was drinking, and decided to simply go to the bedroom, and watch TV when I arrived home.
I did close the door and told him I was closing it. In fact, I said "I am closing this door, and I am closing it for YOUR PROTECTION".
He knew better than to open that door, and he left me alone! This morning we did not speak of it, and he was cheerful and loving and polite, and I treated him the same way.
I am not going to punish him today, what is the point? He is sick, I am sick, and extending it will just make me sicker.
Ahhh yes! When they accuse you of what THEY are doing! And they have o idea how transparent they are! Before I learned about the disease I found that so baffling and infuriating.
MM yep, that's it. I got blamed because someone backed into my parked car in a parking lot that I was no where near. I new the guy that did it and my father was yelling "had he been drinking too much?!" as if it would have been my fault if he had and I said "no, he's a volunteer fireman and he was going in for his shift!". Crazy. I got in trouble when the hood latch on my car failed and the hood flew up against the windshield and I had to stick my head out the window to keep from wrecking into people. I can remember my father screaming at me "don't you know there's a safety latch under the hood (bonnet for those speaking the queen's english)!!!" Uhhh...I wasn't under the hood... I was DRIVING THE F-ING CAR!!!!" Pow. Zoom. Insanity. I was reared in it. No wonder I gravitate to it.
