The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
These two things seem to be the theme of my week and I'm struggling with moving past them but they seem to sit on my shoulders constantly whispering in my ear.
My alcoholic father has been in the hospital after having been in a skilled nursing facility after a couple of falls at rehab. They're trying to find him a new skilled nursing facility so he can regain some steadiness on his feet and be able to get back to rehab. At this point, he hasn't had a drink for two weeks. That's a small victory. He says he doesn't crave the alcohol. Maybe he doesn't, but I don't believe he won't go back to drinking if he came home. He's been pretty mean to my step-mom and she's at her wits end. It hurts a lot to see her in that state and I feel angry that my father is treating her the way he is. At any rate, I just want to jump in there and fix everything, but I can't. I live two hours a way and it would take more than one person to get my dad up off the floor since he's a big guy. I feel like I should fix this problem (not that I could and I think it's actually better for my dad to be a facility whether it's rehab or a hospital) and I feel so guilty that I can't.
I've been talking with my step-mom and we're both at a place of feeling that my dad should face the consequences of his actions, even if that includes him being kicked out the house by my step-mom for his abusive behavior. I think we're both second-guessing that. It just feels wrong some how, but in my head, I know it's what he needs. I just keep catastrophizing everything and imagining him dead under an overpass somewhere. Even though I think I'm doing the right thing, I just don't see a good outcome to all this. Or, I guess, the outcome that I would want. A better outcome would be serenity. That is something that I can work toward, regardless of what my dad does or doesn't do. This disease just makes me have such incredible moments of despair sometimes.
Mikell I can certainly understand your concern and anxiety. Accepting the fact that I was completely powerless over this disease, truly set me free from the anxiety of trying to figure it all.
I also found that being powerless did not mean I was helpless. t I could find help in Al-Anon face-to-face meetings to support me as I walk through this painful disease. Living one day at a time, focusing on myself and the appropriate resources for my family, using the steps and slogans are all important during this difficult time. Prayers and positive thoughts for you and your family.
Mikhail, I am sorry you are going through this, and I can very much relate to your dilemma ... on top of alcoholism, the falls, hospital visits, needing to find the appropriate skilled nursing facility, the challenge of physically caring for a "big guy" when he is incapacitated ... realization that I cannot do it alone.
What has helped me so far is detachment, and the saying "It takes a village." They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to care for someone in this situation. It takes the professionals, the family, friends, whoever else can be found that can lend a hand. I too had feelings of guilt that I was not doing enough, or not doing the right things. But I had to remember that I could not allow myself to get burned out, or I would have nothing left to give to my own life and my other loved ones. I learned in my meetings and from my sponsor that I could let go without guilt and let others handle the things that I cannot or do not need to handle. I have a role to play in this, but I do not have to play all the roles.
I have been truly amazed at the help that has come forward in my situation, and I hope you will also be blessed with good help from wherever it comes.
-- Edited by Freetime on Wednesday 3rd of June 2015 12:02:44 AM
Aloha Mikhail and hopefully your growth will continue...becoming aware is a growth and learning what to do with it for positive consequences is one success. I've been here and done this myself and even learning about how I second guessed was a success because I could then practice not doing it. When I found myself moving toward it one of the solutions was talking to my sponsor and/or other old timers in program. Fixing went by the wayside completely when I learned that for every thought I have on how things should be or come out the alcoholic/addict and other victims of my plans had their own thoughts about how they were going to do it. I learned how to just ask "so how do you see this coming out for you"? and then just listening. If their plans had some merit even to my own thinking and there was room for me to help (not enable) I would ask "Is there some where or how I can help"? without pre-commitment. I always leave room to decide if it is something I want to participate in. Second guessing and attempts to fix always come with a slogan from my sponsor "When in doubt.......Don't". Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
(((Mikhail))) - so sorry for all that is happening around you right now! I also applaud your awareness and processing as well as the continued pursuit of serenity.
The serenity prayer came to my mind as I read your post - and I too know all to well that feeling of 'I should be doing ... more, better, this, that'...
When that now pops into my brain, I attempt to turn it into a question and give it up to my HP. When I dwell on what I might/should, etc. I feel like I'm being self-reliant again. The only way I know how to return to being HP-centered is to turn it over and questions help me visualize asking for help literally.
Know that we are here for you and you are not alone. I agree with ... "it takes a village."
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Remembering to take care of ourselves is a common theme in our Al Anon literature. It seems you've done all that you can do and then some for your father. What works for me is turning my troubled love one over to his Higher Power. You're a loving and caring soul and deserve to pursue your own happiness. Sending you hugs and prayers.
