The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I look back at all those long drawn out conversations where I was trying so hard to engage the alcoholic... most of the time I knew nothing was getting through and sometimes I would get angry and " act a fool" get so frustrated I would throw something at the wall or break something or find myself getting louder and louder.. It was hell and I was out of control.
In a very few conversations I would think wow we really made a plan to resolve an issue, that felt good. Then literally the next morning it was as if we never talked about it ( I wondering if those times he was so wasted he really didn't remember our conversation or if he was showing me I couldn't "control" him). In my mind I was just trying to have a normal partnership and live life together...
I began to see at least for me, there was no partnership with an alcoholic. The alcoholic would never "have my back" or have my best interest at heart. It's really just all about the next drink. Sad thing is I really thought if he loved me, if I was ever good enough he would want to be my partner. I am good enough! and I don't want to ever waste my time again on someone who for whatever reason doesn't agree with that.
Just a thought as I read so many who say they don't "connect" with their A's.
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 2nd of June 2015 02:14:57 PM
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 2nd of June 2015 02:17:27 PM
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 2nd of June 2015 02:18:05 PM
Just yesterday, my AH asked if I would help him drop his car off for service. I said, sure - so we made a plan.
At the designated time, I couldn't find him. His car was here, but he was not. I looked outside, in the garage, upstairs, basement, and repeated and then scratched my head and left....I had a deadline that could not be missed - drop-off at the Post Office.
After my package drop, I stopped at the store to get dog food. I was almost done when he phoned and wondered where I was. I calmly explained I had left to run my errands and was on my way back. He redirected me to the body shop and all was well.
But - there was a part of me that - before program - would have been frantic that I couldn't find him and then angry that he was wasting my time. Now - I just try to do what is the next right thing for me and not react.
He's in a permanent fog that is based solely on his wants/needs. No amount of effort or talking from me penetrates that fog and while it's not desired, I have at least come to accept it.
(((Glad))) - thanks for sharing and glad you're here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
glad, I can relate to EVERY word of that. All efforts to try to get a compromise made me "controlling", and when I got frustrated and angry, I was "abusive" and these are the words that she uses to describe me to her friends and family although I've never abused her in any way and only wanted a PARTNER that I could set goals with and that would make joint decisions with me. It drove me to near madness. I get thrown under the bus when ANYTHING goes wrong. She'll gladly stick up for anyone but me.
I'm learning to understand that you can't understand an A. That's helping a lot. Learning to detach. Much learning to go!
Thank you for your post. It helps so much to hear these behaviors of an A echoed throughout the community. Glad to not be alone anymore!
Wow! SO TRUE! I had kind of a gut revelation with my sponsor a couple days ago -- I got it on a heart level that the way I see reality is ENTIRELY different thatn the way my ex AW saw/sees reality. Everything described above -- the fogginess, the self-centerdness, the inability to talk about a reasonable plan on a reasonable level, the complete forgetting...the same happened to me over and over. I am so glad that I am in the process of "getting sober" from her and seeing on deeper and deeper levels what an exercise in futility all that insanity was. I can just weep thinking of myself and my friends here (and Face To Face) who have gone through this all long enough to be devastated by it.
I am proud of myself and everyone here for going forward and healing!!!! Hugs!!!
Dawn
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Oh wow. I just posted and then came and read this post...hit me right between the eyes! Thank you for sharing...I need to remember this because I am feeling a bit crazy at the moment :(
