Hi everyone, so to begin I have been married for the past 16 years, and we have 5 children, I finally worked up enough courage and 6 weeks ago I left my AH who has addictions to marijauna and alcohol. It has been so extremely hard and I constantly second guess myself whether or not I have made the right decision but I guess in my heart of hearts I know that I made the best choice for myself and the kids. It has gotten to the point where I can't tell anymore if he is sober or stoned, both states mirror each other and honestly his eyes are permanently glossed over. I guess you could say the straw that broke the camels back was last year when I found out I was pregnant with our 5th baby, he flipped right out and demanded that I have an abortion, to me it wasn't a choice that was right for me, I weighed all the pros and cons and to be simply honest I knew that I would be completely on my own with this babe. I had a rough pregnancy and went into preterm labour at 31 weeks and the doctors stated straight out it was stress related, long story short they managed to stop the labour and I had her at 37 weeks. at this point he cried and cried and cried saying that he was sorry and would try harder to sober up, and I honestly think he did try to put in an effort. At this point though I have so much anger, resentment and animosity built up inside me that he could have been waiting on me hand and foot, putting grapes in my mouth while fanning me with feathers and nothing would hide all this negative feelings I have inside of me. 6 weeks after giving birth my grandma passed away and i did manage to go and see her at the hospital before she passed away, while there I had a nagging feeling I had to go home. I got home to find him passed out on the couch and baby swinging in her swing bundled in a thick sleeper, swaddled in a blanket, another blanket draped over her and a portable space heater blowing heat her way, I lost my shit on him, grabbed her and got her cooled off and I remember thinking to myself wtf am I doing with such an idiot. after that night all love and any type of positive feelings I had for him went right out the window and I slowly started pulling myself away from him. He'd come home from work flying higher than a kite, I would lose my shit on him some more, it was just turning to be such a negative place. money has been extremely tight since I'd say February and we have been living off his income alone, and to him his money is his money, I have no right to know how much he makes, I have no right to dictate how the money should be spent, in all our years married, I have either been the only income earner or the main bread winner, these last 2 years that's changed and I make less than him now. Anyways money has been tight, and 6 weeks ago he starts screaming at me, see I told you this is how it was going to be, you should have just had that fu*!ing abortion, I snapped and I slapped him and I told him I was leaving. I packed the kids up and left to my moms. I got into counseling and started al anon meetings 2 weeks ago and had 2 f2f meetings. I'm slowly building myself back up, and now realising and seeing how unhealthy our relationship truly was. He tells me all the time that he's the best I'm ever going to have and no one is going to want me again, I'm used baggage. I'm too controlling ugh the list that can go on and on for what he thinks of me right now. In the 6 weeks we have been separated I have worked on myself and see how unhealthy I am, and how much help I truly needed to fix me. I know I have made my fair share of mistakes in our marriage, but I am slowly realising that I can't help "fix" him, or love him enough to change, all I can do is fix and change myself. In the last week, I found out that he has been having parties at the house, and having random people sleeping over, so I said hell with that, and took the house back for me and our kids, he refuses to pay for any of the bills, so I got a lawyer and am taking him for child support. I go back to work in a week full time, and I know that I need to save myself. Change is hard and scary but I know I can do this, I got this!