The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this site, and I guess I'm just trying to find a way to cope with my ABF.
Its been going on for almost 2 years now, and the past couple months he has been traveling for work, and says hes been sober. But when he comes home to visit, I just feel so much anxiety.
I'm not really sure how to cope with it all. I worry constantly about him, and the lying and stealing. I love him, but I don't know when the healing will actually start. I'm just a ball of nerves, and really don't have anyone I can relate to, or talk to. I don't know when I will be able to move past everything that we've been through, and be able to trust again. I feel crazy all the time...
I just don't know if my mistrust is normal, or if I'm overthinking everything, and waiting for the bottom to fall out. I've been alone in this for so long, and sometimes feel so empty.
I guess this is my own way of trying to reach out and get some advice on how to deal with everything I've been through, and how to proceed with things.
Hi Vanity welcome to MIP I can certainly identify with all the feelings that you have expressed. Living with the disease of alcoholism affects family members in a very negative manner and we too need a program of recovery
AA is the recovery program for the person who drinks and alanon is the recovery program for those who have tired to cope with the insanity of the disease.
It was here that I learned and accepted that alcoholism was a chronic progressive disease over which I was powerless. Since I had no power to affect this disease, the best and only action I could take was to relearn how to take care of myself in a more constructive manner.
Alanon has face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages. Here I relearned how to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, rebuild my self esteem and self worth and trust once again.
Aloha Vanity and welcome to the board. Your post qualifies you as a family member...keep coming back often, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice as I was told when I first found the rooms of Al-Anon. The disease of alcoholism needs enablers which is what I was. I was born and raised into the disease and in my family of origin I was the "fixer", worrier and pickup man for those who didn't fulfill their responsibilities because the disease came first. Scared and confused is normal for us until we come to understand our powerlessness as Hotrod explains. We learn the 3Cs of Al-Anon and that helps to comfort our minds and spirits and emotions until we learn more. The 3 Cs are, "We didn't CAUSE it, We cannot CONTROL it and we will not CURE it. Its not about us fixing them...its about us fixing us as Hotrod also suggest. Go find that hotline number and call it to find out where and when we meet in your neighborhood. Come back and let us know how it came out for you. ((((hugs))))
Welcome! Seems pretty natural to wonder the things your wondering about your abf and worry. Face to face Alanon meetings can be wonderful for easing the obsession about things over which you really have no control. The support of people who are either in similiar situation or been in them can help you feel less isolated and comforted because you'll now have a safe place to go to talk about these feelings. In general, people are kind and welcoming. We're all works in progress, some a little quirkier than others but that's subjective lol. We're all gathering for the same reason which is what's really important - to feel, deal and heal. Glad you joined us here and hope you keep coming if things you read here help. Little by little we learn to return our focus to ourselves and what we need to do for our own well-being but it takes a little time to work through Step One and let go of our obsession with the alcoholics in our lives. It can happen though with accepting the support of those in the program and working the steps of the program. Hope you'll continue sharing here with us. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 1st of June 2015 11:24:04 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
You've gotten some wonderful suggestions from those above me, so just wanted to welcome you and say that I am glad you are here!
The best part about MIP is knowing help is only a 'post' away!!
Take care of you today and keep coming back.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
How to deal with everything you have been through. Is the mistrust normal ?
The Al anon program can help you trust yourself, that small voice inside that tells you something just isn't right is not you being crazy! Your emotions are very normal.
even if your exact worries are not a reality, being in a relationship with an alcoholic is not "normal" so your probably not going to feel "normal"
When I first found alanon I wanted immediate answers. Mostly I was told alanon was a program that would help be become strong enough to trust myself and my thoughts again Al anon did that and so much more.
I'm now very happy and I'm not with an alcoholic! Try a face to face meeting if you can and give those meetings a real chance, attend several times before determining if this is a program for you
The best thing that happened to me at my first meeting was when I looked up and saw a poster that read: YOU didn't cause it, YOU can not control it and YOU can not cure it!
Hope this and the other post have helped ! I relate to all you are going through as most people here probably do.
