The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've become the scapegoat for my SO's family. I know that their faults with me are ridiculous, e.g. I did not offer to drive them to visit SO even though they did not pick up the phone when I called to talk about the visit. I am trying to disengage but it's hard to do because I can't avoid them, at least not now when SO's visits are so limited. I'm very hurt by their abandonment but am more worried about SO's recovery. I don't want to pull SO into the fight because I want him to focus on his recovery not ridiculous family drama yet the situation is distracting to him as well. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut and will ignore the emails but would love any other suggestions for dealing with this situation. Thanks.
I don't have experience with this type of situation, but wanted to offer you support and hugs.
The best I can suggest is program, meetings, tools, detach and trust HP.
Be gentle with you!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
OMG....I just spit my water out for that one Carrie.....I had the exact same thought when I first came to the board....
Sorry Bon - I know you are hurting....a little humor might help a small bit!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I used to really worry about whether or not my husband's kids liked me. I bent over backward doing what I thought would make them want a relationship.
Then one day, I made a decision to release them from my thoughts. I do not give a rat's patootie whether or not they like me, because the more I thought about it, the more I figured out that I just do not like them.
No more worries about whether or not I choose the right gift, or if I say the right thing. It was the most liberating feeling.
You have no idea, how GREAT it feels to just say (in my mind) to them: YOU SUCK!
Nothing about them enhances my life, letting go was just the best thing ever.
Welcome Bon In order to learn how to deal with the disease of alcoholism I found that alanon face to face meetings helped me to no end. Alanon offered me a support network that understood as few others can, new tools to live by, and support as I practiced using them.
Detaching from others , keeping the focus on myself and responding in a constructive fashion instead of reacting all proved invaluable in my dealings with family.
Please keep coming here as well you are not alone and as you see we are a great group. :)
I learned the best, simple toolbox tonight in an Alanon meeting. The five best words to keep any confrontation from turning to conflict...
yes... say yes ONLY if you mean it
no... Same rules as yes
oh?
really?
whatever or oh well...
think of of all the different infections you can useof these words, one after the other as appropriate. Stops the nonsense right in its tracks! Serenity!
Bon, the anger at being the scapegoat for all of the problems that my AW has caused has caused me no end of pain. It seems that everyone has an interest in keeping her sick. Detachment is definitely the key. Sometimes I detach, then find myself thinking "someday this will all come out in the wash ... " and I realize I haven't really detached, so I have to time travel to "someday" and detach there too! I'd hate to get to "someday" and have it suck because I never really detached. Keep strong and enjoy being who you are, not who they say you are!
And Yes Carrie. I've been complaining about my "Ass Wipe" this whole time! LOL. You're funny!
What a great suggestion, KoKo! I am going to add that to my tool box!
Bon, I don't have any specific experiences like this, but I am glad that you are here! (((hugs)))
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I have a hard time with "whatever" because it the word my AW uses for avoidance if we're engaged in a "discussion" (that's me trying to resolve an issue and her calling me names and shouting non sequiturs). But that's me. Better now, because I'm not engaging if I can possibly help it.
I struggle with "whatever" as well for similar sounding reasons. While tone and inflection can make a difference I would probably use "oh well" instead of whatever.
When I really need a direct answer to a question, but I get something else, like a finger point about a separate issue, or a change of subject, or some kind of dance, I always say "I understand" then I ask the question again. I may finally get an answer, but if not, the other person will disengage after a couple turns.
I struggle with whatever because that is almost all I heard for 10-12 years out of my two A sons. It was the catch all phrase for OK, Yes, No, etc.
All the others are super and added to my toolbox. I have used Whatever once in a while and they don't necessarily react to it but I do.
One thing I will share is when I am just not certain how to handle a person, place or situation, I will avoid and not handle. I often tend to think I need all the answers and to resolve everything 'fast' and have discovered that 'when in doubt....don't' works very well. Gives me a bit more time to pray, meditate and listen for the next best course of action.
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Bon ... I was in it many years, still am in a round about way .. the so got into trouble (drug addiction) and ended up gone for a couple of years. Now is just getting out of prison and picking up (trying to) right where he left off (so is the rest of his family) .. I completely relate to the (emotional / mental) chaos of addiction and families.. (especially inside of us) I lose my focus whenever I begin trying to reason with 'them and end up also scapegoated. (for that matter; this happened in my 'own non drinking much family) They aren't reasonable & the less I step into ''their disease (family disease together) the more I am able to keep the focus on me .. (I will not find clarity with any one of them) being able to see that didn't happen just like that for me but it did happen with meetings .. there is something very healing about face to face meetings .. online are good too but face to face in my esh are sometimes more effective ..
I know it isn't easy .. I am aiming for 'direct communication .. very short, simple non feely .. I know today (through learning the 'hard way) that going in and stirring up a house full of unreasonable & irritable already addicts Is not the wisest choice for me .. I did that a long time and I did it well all in the name of love ? they were ruthless & shameless in their scapegoating filled with manipulation .. so much distorting the truth of Me to take the focus (truth) off them .. I never had control or power .. I had illusions and those are harder to let go of than any of it .. but ironically hanging onto the 'illusions ;unknowingly gave me the 'illusion there was something more (I) could do .. (I felt so powerless) I can't change a disease; (It changes me) .. anything that brings into me even more (Feelings of fear) becomes (even more) Emotionally unmanageable (in me) ..
I would recommend face to face meetings if not in .. much greater chance for serenity reasoning with meeting members .. the above is my esh Only .. I am still sharing online at times for the sake of greater clarity .. grateful we're never alone in recovery .. usually always someone somewhere walking still or having walked through the same .. I still have slips & confusion .. but usually not to the same degree I did before recovery ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 2nd of June 2015 05:18:38 PM
Hi Bon. Someone wise once told me even not having a relationship with a person is a learned process. I echo meetings, its a safe space amongst like experiences albeit different stages. I have had to learn how not to have relationships with two sisters, one non alcoholic but deeply affected by alcoholism nonetheless. Its taken me a good seven years to relate to our dynamic in a way I can accept it and truly be detached. I was grateful to her when I met my inlaws who sound a lot like yours, as I could recognise the emotional games, which are truly underpinned by the sickness which is this family disease called alcoholism. I wish you recovery, its the only escape in my experience. Xo Edna
I am in the same boat. My AH's family didn't like me because I saw through them, and knew their actions were wrong. My AH's family are all addicts themselves and all lead unhealthy lives. I pulled my kids and myself away and told my AH that if he wanted to be apart of that lifestyle then that was his choice, but the rest of us were out. His father traded his addiction from being booze to now OxyContin and his mother was only a mother when convinent to her, and now my AH follows in those footsteps. I can tell you, I've been called everything under the sun by all of them, and it used to bug me, but now I know that I can wish them well and move on. I haven't talked to my MIL in over 3 years because she decided she woul pick and choose which grandchild to send presents to and when our oldest confronted her about it, she retorted that my daughter was a c*nt just like me. My husband says that I need to let those things go, and people change, but yet she has yet to apologize to my daughter or myself and I'm supposed to be ok with it. Now that we're separated everything is my fault, and I'm crazy for throwing him away. Honestly when they're that dysfunctional nothing you say or do is going to matter because you're in the wrong. Just have to keep your head up!
I know how that feels. Not with my current ex, but with my son's other mom. Some of her family had alcohol and addiction issues and also the burden of upper middle class rules about never saying what you really mean/feel. I am a really open person and came in asking about people feelings and trying to ask probing questions about the past because I genuinely wanted to know them and cared. Uh Oh. Big no-no. I unwittingly became the family enemy and scapegoat. If I was always wrong, "inappropriate" (a favorite word of theirs), or "meddling" then the issues that comprised the elephant in the living room were my fault. To be fair, I didn't know when to stop trying to push these issues and eventually was undoubtedly controlling and manipulating, trying to "fix" the issues. Boy were they glad to see the back of me. LOL
I wish you good luck in finding resolution. I know you are in a tough place and my heart goes out to you. People here and at face to face meetings can bolster your strength and confidence and help you come to a better place from which to make decisions. That is what I deeply believe.
We're all thinking about you!! Hugs...
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Thank you all for the insight. You're right that there is no reasoning with irrational people and that anything I say will get misconstrued. I didn't realize it until now that I was not really detaching because I kept thinking that one day they will come to their senses. I was just kicking the ball up the road. I'm still very hurt but maybe I don't want to be close to people who so callously abandoned me? I will have to have contact with them so will take your advice and figure out a few phrases I can use to get past the accusations. I have been going to f2f meetings when I can and they are very helpful. I find it super helpful to get my feelings out but do appreciate being able to ask for advice as well. Thanks!
(((Bon))) - great insight - keep working on you and clarity seems to come to the surface -eh?
See ya (@ the meeting)!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
. just depends how "loving" our detachment is. Sometimes we just have to laugh.
the above is my esh Only .. I am still sharing online at times for the sake of greater clarity .. grateful we're never alone in recovery .. usually always someone somewhere walking still or having walked through the same .. I still have slips & confusion .. but usually not to the same degree I did before recovery ..