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I am curious to know if anyone's qualifier goes to AA meetings but either drinks before they go or after they leave. Is this a normal thing? I am just so frustrated right now. I wanted to ask my husband why bother go to the meeting at all if you are either going their drunk or drink afterwards but I didn't even approach the subject last night. He is in a very depressed and dark spot. After he admitted that he had been drinking after his second meeting that day he told me he felt like such a failure/loser and that he sometimes thought I didn't like him anymore and didn't want him to be around. To be honest I hate the disease and am having a hard time dealing with my resentment towards his actions but I did tell him that of course I still loved him. I hate to admit it though there are many times where I have thought of leaving or thought that it would be so easier if I didn't have to see his drinking spiral out of control so have thought of having him move out of the house. I know he really means all he said last night but a part of me is also wondering if this is manipulation/playing the martyr which is the role he plays very well.
Hi Jazzie18, For awhile my AW would go to meetings and pick up a 750 mL vodka on the way home and be passed out by the time I got home from work. Yes, some people drink before/after meetings, there are rules in the meetings as to how to handle people who have been drinking just before the meeting.
Are you going to Al Anon meetings? They should be able to help you keep the focus on yourself and not worry about him so much. Plus F2F meetings are a really big help in practicing detachment with love, in my experience.
Thanks Kenny. Yes I am going to F2F meetings but still finding it hard to detach from his drinking. I know I need to work on this more but it is hard when I am worried about how his drinking is effecting our two small kids. We both come from alcholic families and I really don't want my kids growing up the way that we both grew up. I just don't know why he is bothering giong to meetings if he is stopping off at the liquor store right afterwards. Just so frustrating to watch but you are correct that I should try and turn the focus back on me. The weekends are the toughest for him as during the week he seems to handle it better as he has a 9-5 job which he has been adament about that he doesn't drink before or at and then he has been going to meetings right afterwards. The weekends are the hardest as he has all this free time on his hands. Did your AW ever find sobriety?
Hi Jazzie, as you noted, the disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. AA understands this, so that the only requirement for membership is:" a desire to stop drinking."
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings, the serenity prayer, working the steps, and slogans, all helped me to take the focus off the alcoholic and place it firmly on myself. Knowing that I was firmly in recovery and working a program, helped me to replace my fear with faith.
I wouldn't say it's normal, but it does happen. Sounds like he's still at the point that he would rather drink than get sober. Step 1: admitting that we are powerless of Alcohol and our lifes are unmanagable is a tough step. For me, I found that total surrender to the diesase was the only way to get lasting sobriety and change my life. He could be getting close to that bottom. Meetings has a tendency to ruin one's drinking. So as long as he's going, there's a chance this may happen.
For you, rough spot to be in. You're powerless over him. I found the more I focused on myself and took care of me, the more the answers of what to do became apparent. You'll also help him when you change. It has a trickle effect on others.
Yes, it does happen that an alcoholic will drink before / after a meeting.
In my world, my Ason didn't have a license, so I would have to transport to/from the meeting only to discover later that same evening that we was still using.
I talked with my sponsor about it and said I didn't want to take him any more - it was a waste of my time. She suggested that setting boundaries was good, but she felt it was better he go to a meeting even IF it didn't take yet....seeds are planted at each meeting, and as said above, meetings tend to make drinking a bit less enjoyable.
So - I did take him when he asked. That wasn't very often and then stopped. It did make sense to me though -- any exposure to the solution is a great thing even if it doesn't yet stick.
Take care of you and know we are all here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
He came home again last night from a meeting and had been drinking. This time I was surprised at my reaction as I was able to detach and not have this immense feeling of disappointment. I think I also was able to readjust my expectations which has seemed to help a lot. I know you aren't suppose to engage them when they are drinking but he was really feeling low and wanted to talk. I asked him the simple question "what do you want to do" and he couldn't answer it. I know at this point he doesn't want to stop drinking as he mentioned that he was nervous about going away this weekend with a friend (a short golf outing that was planned a long time ago) and he would "probably have a few drinks". I didn't react or get into an argument just calmly said I couldn't control his drinking and that I was working on myself. He still doesn't understand that I am as sick as he is in my thinking/reaction. He thinks all the problems we are having are due to his actions. I tried to actively listen but then he just kept repeating himself and playing the martry and I just calmly went to bed. Glad that I was able to detach and hoping I can continue doing so.
My question is did any of your significant others finally chose rehab? I brought up the rehab option last night and this time he didn't shoot it down. Actually he didn't say anything but in the past it has been a flat out no.
He could join the AA board here at MIP. He could also start talking to people in the meetings, get a sponsor, and really work the program. Same as alanon, showing up is good, but doing the work is what makes you better.
My A sons both did opt to go to rehab - 5 times each. My sober son was absolute at the last rehab choice as he almost died and it did stick. I saw something different in him - defeat, acceptance, humility - I dunno but he participated and it worked.
My son who is still using has also been 5 times. Each time he says he is ready and off we go. It's not yet 'stuck'.
My point is each path to recovery is different and I've had to learn the hard way to work on me and search for peace and serenity thru Alanon no matter what they are or are not doing. My head and heart just doesn't have that many ups/downs left (roller-coaster of emotions) and my 'support' was not helpful at all.
(((Hugs))) to you - and congrats. on doing things a bit different and finding a different outcome. Program in work !! and progress in action.
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My point is each path to recovery is different and I've had to learn the hard way to work on me and search for peace and serenity thru Alanon no matter what they are or are not doing. My head and heart just doesn't have that many ups/downs left (roller-coaster of emotions) and my 'support' was not helpful at all.
