The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading for June 1 speaks about Expectations. It points out that having expectations does lead,oftentimes to premeditated resentments.
Just recently, on this Board, we were talking about expectations and resentments and this page goes on to explain the concept a bit further.
The reading gives the example of a friend who is a less attentive to being prompt then we are. When we make a plan with this friend that involves a meeting at a certain time, we are cooperating in establishing a condition that encourages me to nurse a resentment.
This one takes a bit of meditating on but I must agree it is true.
On the other hand, if I make a plan with this person that is based on no expectations of promptness we will feel no resentments.
My sister , is that person who cannot be on time,no matter what . When I go to visit. I take the railroad since her home is only five minutes from the train station. She always insist on picking me up and is invariably late.
In the beginning I would simply wait at the station and become enraged at the situation. Rather than continue to sacrifice my serenity ,if she is not at the station when the train arrives, I begin to walk to her home -- occasionally I arrive before she gets out of the house and some times she meets me halfway. What is most important here is that I no longer expect her to be on time and I maintain my serenity.
The reminder goes on to say that we have the right to choose our own standards of conduct for ourselves but we do not have the right or the power to impose those standards on others.
The quote is from Living with Sobriety; "I have accepted myself and I'm beginning to accept other people the way they are each day. Now I have fewer resentments."
I know before program I did feel as if I had the right to impose my standards on others and judged them if they did not live up to my standards. It is interesting to note that Al-Anon suggested that I keep the focus on myself, to see if I too lived up to my standards, interestingly enough, I did not.
If I liked you I let go of my principles, if I did not like you I had very, very high principles. Placing principles above personalities, as the program asked me to do, I found that in all situations, acting with these principles enabled me to live with dignity, courage, serenity and wisdom,. It did not matter what anyone else did all that matters was what I did--- what a unique thought!
I learned in a psych or sociology class in college that the person that keeps another waiting is asserting their dominance and power in the relationship. This has always stuck with me and caused me no end of turmoil as I believed it to be true.
I often have to pick my AW up from work because we only have one vehicle. It's a short drive - only 3 minutes. She will text or call and I will immediately hop in the car and be there only to sit and wait. I would seethe in anger and I couldn't understand why she constantly requested I pick her up when she wasn't yet ready to leave.
Today's reading, at first glance, set up a conundrum for me. Why are we to sit idly by and let others assert their power over us to steal our precious time as if we are mere surfs who's duty it is to wait until they decide that we can continue with our plans? Aren't we supposed to be empowering ourselves? Isn't this being a doormat? And then I realized that in truth, it is not the time that is so precious, it is the serenity. And I have complete dominion over that. That is a power that only I have, and that they cannot take away unless I allow it.
I partially figured this lesson out for myself before al-anon. I realized that I was only making myself sick with anger and managed with moderate success to quell it to a degree. Mostly because after angrily complaining several times that she knew it was only 2 - 3 minutes, why couldn't she wait to call me when she was at the door so she would only have to wait that long instead of the 10 or 15 minutes I had to wait - complaints that only led to typical A logic and patterns that in turn spawned more anger and resentment on both sides - the behavior never changed.
Today's reading is very helpful for me. Why does she do this? It doesn't matter. Is she exerting her power and dominance over me? Is she adding another line in my resentment Wish Book? Only if I allow it. I have taken the power back. I will wait in peace.
I can relate to what you wrote, Betty, very much. I have had a lot of resentment for my alcoholic father for my whole life in regard to his behavior both when drinking and when sober. Intellectually, I know that I can't control my father, nor should I try to. It's just going to cause me frustration and anger. I do a lot better about having reasonable expectations and avoiding resentment with other people in my life. My father is different, perhaps because I've known him the longest.
The term "premeditated resentment" really struck me because I find myself doing that now, setting up how I'll feel in the future if my father does or does not do certain things in relation to his disease. It's silly and not at all good for my mental health.
I tell myself "one day at a time" with this, and its helpful to read on this board and hear in F2F meetings that I'm not the only one who struggles with expectations and resentments.
Great post Betty and I plead guilty.....I have a brother who is never on time and almost made us late for our Grandma's funeral.
I expected his behavior when that happened because he'd always been 'that way'. I did not expect my other brother to throw a complete hissy fit over it in the van on the way to the funeral.
My two boys were in the very back and have a love hate relationship.
My brothers were in the center set of seats, and I was driving in front. Needless to say, when my brother began raging at the other brother about the time we departed for the funeral, my boys were shocked beyond belief that two adult men could fight like them!!!
What shocked me most of all is I became my father, and yelled above everyone and threatened to pull the car over and either dump the both out or bop their heads together.
Needless to say, my reaction was out of left field, and unpredicted (even by me)....it did shut the whole car up though and we made it barely with a minute to spare...
For me, the lesson learned is even when I prepare for predictable behavior, I still don't know what the day may bring....I really need to keep my tools close at all times.
Thanks for the daily!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks everyone for sharing your powerful ESH on this topic . I can identify with each of you and appreciate your humor and candor. That is how this program works. Have a great day
Such a powerful page, thank you for sharing. I believe that last statement: "It did not matter what anyone else did, all that matters was what I did---" to hold the core concept of Alanon, a truth of the program and of life. We do, in fact, hold incredible power for change...all of the power, really; every moment of thought, meditation and practice of program principals leads us closer to it...
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
